Table of contents:

How to become perfectionist
How to become perfectionist

Video: How to become perfectionist

Video: How to become perfectionist
Video: Perfectionism in 3 Minutes 2024, March
Anonim

At the consultation, a woman talks about her 20-year-old daughter:

- She broke off the chain! Left home. Lives with one guy, then with another. I got tattoos in indecent places, doesn’t work and doesn’t want to work. And how she talks to me! She just revels in her rudeness! But we raised her well. She went to school with an English bias, went to a music school, studied in a dance studio. She never messed around, did not wander around the yards. She didn't have a minute of free time!

And then I asked a question that baffled her: "Everything that your daughter did, did she choose herself?" Silence. Me: “Did you know what your daughter loved and wanted? What did she want to do herself? " The woman was silent, then said: “She was then a child, and my husband and I knew better what was good for her. Besides, she never objected! " Me: “Could she argue with you? How would you react to her disagreement? " There was a deep silence in response.

Image
Image

What's wrong with perfectionism?

There is “right” perfectionism, which helps to achieve better and better results. Unhealthy perfectionism is when a person tries to gain the love and respect of others with the only method available to him: he strives with all his might for a certain social ideal, which often has nothing to do with his own desires and goals.

It's a familiar motive, isn't it? Do our parents want to do us badly? Of course not. They have already gone through the bitter school of life and are convinced that they know better than their children what they should be. Children, however, try by any means to justify the hopes placed on them. And then either a riot happens, or a person comes to me and my colleagues with deep depression and indifference to everything that surrounds him. I very often hear from women aged 28-38 that they are deadly tired. From what? From the life and functions assigned to them. Why? Because they must be good wives, good mothers, good professionals at work, as well as wonderful housewives, stunning mistresses, while they must remain good daughters, sisters, look great, and so on. Believe me, the situation with men is no better. This list of must be so huge that it involuntarily pushes a person to the idea that life is just a punishment for something. Who inspired this to them? Society and own parents. People become perfectionists for one reason: social ideology and parental ambitions deprive a person of the right to imperfection.

And what about the moms and dads themselves? Do we not know to what extent their life was far from perfect! But they do not seem to remember this and stubbornly repeat to us about living standards, which they themselves rarely met. It is interesting that the guardians of the rules and moralists are, as a rule, those who themselves have lived most of their lives spitting on the Ten Commandments.

Another excerpt from the consultation.

Really - why? The answer is obvious. It is difficult to manipulate and control a self-sufficient person. Self-sufficient is by no means a narcissist, but a self-respecting person. He understands that he is not perfect. But he also accepts his shortcomings as a given, inalienable from him. And a person who is constantly dissatisfied with himself is surprisingly easy to manage. As soon as he explains how far he is from this or that ideal, he will go to hack and remake himself, to storm the peaks that, perhaps, he does not need at all. But in the process of marching for the ideal, he will also solve someone's problems, skillfully slipped into him along the way. Here, says the authorities to Sidorov, look at Ivanov, how many things he manages to do in a working day! And the perfectionist Sidorov begins to fuss with renewed vigor. It would never even occur to him that in the course of this fuss he is doing a bunch of things that are not related to his direct duties …

People who are dependent on other people's assessments are easy to manage. Especially children, because they are dependent on their parents. But sooner or later, children grow up. And they themselves are ready to figure out what they want and what they are really capable of. But for a parent, it means losing control of the child. Few people think that girls and boys at the age of 14-16 are no longer children. They have adult needs, and if there was a material basis for their implementation, they would not ask permission from adults. But they are addicted, and therefore they pretend to play by the rules of adults. And some adults do not even think to ask the opinion of their child. And then the children start a riot or even leave the house. Such conflicts end either with a “creaky” reconciliation, or with a final break, and in this situation it is difficult to say who has lost more. Over time, abandoned parents begin to need their children much more than children need them.

In order not to become a perfectionist and not to raise such children, you need to learn a few important things. Life is not written first in draft, then whitewashed. It is worth thinking about your happiness now, admitting that you have weaknesses, stupidity and your own desires.

And you, like everyone else, have the right to implement them. It is also worth revising the hierarchy of values: what is really important and dear to you? And what is considered expensive? There may be a lot that you can "throw away" forever. And the last thing: no matter how you strive for the result, it does not last long, it is just a point along the way. And the path itself is a process. And is it good for you in this process - that's what you should pay attention to first of all. Now you know, how to become perfectionists … We hope you don’t become one.

Recommended: