The choice is made by the man

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

It was once believed that the first step in a relationship must be taken by a man. It was he who offered the woman to enter into an alliance with him, and it does not matter which one - marriage, love affair, or just an affair. The woman was free to agree or refuse. Quite often the woman had several offers from interested men “in the asset”. I chose from them. The luxury of making a choice herself belonged only to high-ranking persons who could not be afraid of refusal: those on whom these ladies decided to bet in a love game, well understood the benefits of being a favorite, or at least feared the consequences of their intransigence. Of course, there were special cases in the ranks of "decent" ladies (it is worth remembering Pushkinskaya Tatiana - "I am writing to you, what more?"). But letting a man know that he is interesting is not quite the same as seeking him.

Now morals have changed. It so happens that a woman takes care of a man, opens a "hunt" for him, and, having overcome all obstacles, solemnly demonstrates her "victory". How happy are such unions? And does it really matter which of the two will take the first step?

To begin with, male hunters and those who prefer to be "prey" are two completely different psychotypes. Each of them has its own strengths and weaknesses, pros and cons.

A man-hunter will always have a fair amount of strength of character, will, determination and the ability to take responsibility for a lot. This type of man is a leader who will not give up his right to make decisions to anyone, even the most difficult. They are very reliable, stubborn personalities who will protect the interests of the family, the interests of your relationship and your honor "to victory", and you will never be ashamed of them. At the same time, it is they who can become dictators, house tyrants and control any of your steps, languishing with jealousy and fear, burning with passions and being suspicious of any of your manifestations of freedom.

Prey men are docile, comfortable as house slippers, and will gladly give you complete freedom, without encroaching on any of your decisions and needs. They are always happy to let you decide where to go on vacation, how to raise children and what to cook for lunch. They will not argue with you, they know how to brilliantly bring your ideas to life. And at the same time, they can hide their heads in the sand at a difficult moment, get away from problems by simply closing their eyes on them, and will not lift a finger to protect you.

The difficulty is in recognizing who is in front of you. Almost all men consider themselves to be hunters simply because this image corresponds to the traditional idea of masculinity. It happens that a man, internally not at all inclined to active actions, stubbornly tries to portray active courtship, violent passions and inhuman stubbornness. But as soon as he puts a dot on the "i" in a relationship with a woman (and where did that go?) - he immediately curls up all his "masculinity" and dumps all the responsibility on you.

On the other hand, the role of prey can be played by a male hunter, who at this moment simply does not know what he wants. Or he is tired and expects that, maybe, life will offer him something by itself. Or maybe a man-hunter is just still young and not experienced enough, therefore he allows himself to be chosen. But only for the time being.

Julia and Victor met at the institute. To Yulia, he seemed gentle, courteous and tolerant, at the same time he possessed intelligence and good practical ingenuity. Thinking that he hesitated to take the first step towards her, she "went on the attack" herself. Six months later, they were already married. Everything seemed to be fine, she found the perfect life partner. In everyday matters, Victor insisted on his own much more often than she had expected before the wedding, but it was almost always possible to agree with him. Two years passed in this way. Once at work, Victor met a woman who literally struck him at first sight, and despite the fact that she was married, he began to persistently seek her. Trying to find out the relationship with her husband, Julia suddenly heard: “Even if she is not mine, we still part with you. I understood what own choice means in a man's life”. By the way, in the end he achieved his goal.

If you do not know who is in front of you, at least take your time, moderate your impatience and let the man show himself. There are many everyday situations that can serve as an indicator for you. One has only to be more attentive. Recognizing the hidden leader in potential prey is not that difficult. He will agree with you only for the time being. Sometimes it is not harmful to provoke a situation in which your interests will diverge greatly - how will he behave then? Will argue? Prove your case? Or will he quickly back down, deciding that it is easier to agree?

And once again: to make it clear that you are interested in a person is not the same as "going on the attack." "I am writing to you - what more?" Do not cross this line with such a man - otherwise he will never forgive you later that he did not make this choice and he is not responsible for it.

However, it also happens otherwise. Once I was approached by a woman who had long been in love with her colleague. He was free, looked at her favorably, but did not take a step. She was brought up traditionally and did not even think to openly confess her feelings and take a step towards intimacy. After questioning her better and drawing conclusions about his character, I advised her to take the decisive first step. Subsequently, he was grateful to her for this. And they are still together.

And yet, analyzing many couples, I come to the conclusion that the behavior of a hunter is not so much a stereotype inherent in the level of upbringing and traditions, but rather a natural need for a man. There are those in whom she almost died, but deep down, every man is a hunter and wants to make a choice on his own. Life does not always provide a man for this with a worthy object, but subconsciously, almost everyone waits and hopes that there will appear one for which one wants to go "into fire and water." The fact that now it has become customary among women to start the "hunt" themselves does no honor to either men or women. The first - because they have forgotten how to truly feel, fall in love, have become cynical, mercantile and simply lazy. The second - because they took on an unusual role for them and thereby lost some of their charm.

I am far from moralizing and instilling in readers the idea that there are no exceptions to this rule and that the ancient stereotype is the only acceptable model of behavior. But practice shows that the ability to independently make a choice and be responsible for it is of great importance for a man. And sometimes you should not run in front of the locomotive and drag a man into a relationship on a lasso - why do you need an alliance to which he simply agreed for one reason or another? Or do you rate yourself so low?

Anton Nesvitsky, psychologist