Relationships: we bring certainty

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

It so happens that people understand their feelings for a long time, and then they are determined and live together happily ever after. And what to do if it is still far from certainty, and it is not clear whether you have a relationship with him? Do I need to rush a man to make a decision, seduce, provoke jealousy and run for sexy underwear? And are there any more efficient ways?

Kolya and Marina have been dating for six months. That is, Marina thinks that they are dating. The fact is that all these six months they periodically see each other, go to the movies or eat ice cream and talk about trifles. Marina is struggling to see interest in Kolya's eyes, diligently reads advice in women's magazines on how to charm him and … Nothing. Sometimes it seems to her that he is about to propose to her, and sometimes - that they are just friends. Most of all, she would like to forget Kolya and build a real relationship with someone, but so far nothing has come of it. The question arises: "How to improve relations?" Unfortunately, it occurs in most couples.

Alina lives for one year. All this time she meets with Paul, for whom she left her husband. Pavel is an exemplary lover: he fills her with flowers, gifts, always answers calls and does not skimp on compliments. He happily spends the weekend with Alina and never comes on weekdays: he works. Does this mean that he does not see in Alina a person with whom he is always ready to be close, or is she just looking for problems where they are not?

And Nastya and Slava have known each other for only two weeks. But Nastya and this was enough to start to get nervous. Because before, all her friends boys tried to put her to bed on the first date, but Slava did not.

He does not like me? Is he gay? Or … impotent? Nastya has already worn out her friends with these questions, although their next date with Slava is literally tomorrow.

Where does it actually hurt?

The hardest part when a relationship isn't developing the way you want it to is to stop and listen to yourself. Do not cry, do not beat the dishes. Do not buy new underwear. Stop exactly. And listen to your own feelings. Sit in a chair with a piece of paper (laptop) and write: now I feel … And then a list of everything that happens inside. It turns out, by the way, most modern people, when it comes to feelings, even find it difficult to find words and know offhand a maximum of ten feelings (and even then negative ones). Although in reality, of course, there are many more.

I am angry, I am jealous, I am offended, I feel that I am being played, or I feel abandoned. Can you at least admit to yourself what you feel? Can you really speak out what is silently going on inside all the time?

Here he did not call back, and I am angry. Angry? Or am I scared that I was abandoned? Or do I suspect treason? Or do I feel lonely? And how long should it take from his call to turn on one of these feelings? A week? Day? Half an hour?

Yes, timing is also important. The fact is that we often try to fall into a salutary symbiosis with a partner, blurring our own boundaries almost to the point of insensitivity. And then any attempts by a partner to separate and take a breath of air are perceived as his unpreparedness for a relationship. While this may be unpreparedness for symbiosis, and nothing more. Do you remember the anecdote? “Darling, did you miss me? Why were you not calling me? "Honey, I just went to the toilet."

talk to him

When we deal with our own feelings, it is easier for us to formulate our claims to a partner. And in fact, this is probably the most effective way to clarify the situation. Do not guess what a person is thinking, do not finish building a picture for him, but ask what is really going on.

In general, probably, no idea has done so much harm to the relationship between men and women as the idea that a woman should be mysterious. What should I do? This is the question that most often interests a man. They are waiting for a specific answer, almost step-by-step instructions. And very rarely we can formulate it.

Why? There may be several reasons. First, we ourselves do not know what we really want. A simple example: I believe that our relationship is serious only if we live together. Am I ready to live together myself? Watching his favorite shows on TV? Collect his socks around the apartment, lower the toilet seat? Pulling the curtain in the bathroom, emptying the drawer in the closet, putting up with his friends? It is clear that without answering these questions, we cannot formulate our true desire either. And sometimes we are simply afraid to formulate it. Well, for example, because good girls can't want that.

In addition, talking can be scary, because a man may perceive it as an obsession. Yes, and my mother from childhood instilled that one should not take the initiative …

“I have come across situations when girls for a year or five were in a“relationship”while the young man had absolutely no idea about it,” says psychologist and psychotherapist Adriana Imzh. - And you can designate your boundaries "I am with you, while it is convenient for me" or ask the question "who we are with you to each other." Very often girls do not do this, because they are afraid to "frighten off" and completely upset the relationship. However, it is important to remember that while the young man is playing in the fog, there is no relationship - these are only the girl's illusions. Therefore, in fact, there is nothing to risk.

Few gimmicks

If there is no readiness for dialogue yet, but there is still a desire to get a man, then you will have to use “female tricks”.

The "undecided" men I met …

	They just wanted sex without obligation.
	They kept me as an "alternate airfield".
	Were my friends. Yes, and they remain.
	They looked closely at me for a while before starting to court.

- To begin with, however, you yourself have to believe that you are a gift, both for everyone, and for this particular man. After all, they treat us the same way we treat ourselves, - psychologist Maria Razbash shares women's secrets, - Therefore, it makes sense to start treating yourself very, very well. Probably even with delight.

And don't be afraid to lose it. After all, the greater your fear, the more the man feels it and intuitively moves away. Play in your head, what will happen if he leaves? Live with this thought for twenty minutes and forget it forever. Do not forget about your own friends and your own hobbies. After all, the more interesting your life will be without him, the more he will want to become a part of it. And you will not be so lonely when he still does not call (he sometimes has to work).

And finally get away from the phone and close the mail. It will manifest itself, it will not go anywhere. In any case, you did everything for this.