Out of mind: how to let go of the past

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

When one stage of our life comes to its logical conclusion and is replaced by a new one, most of us never move to the next level, continuing to be in the past with our soul and heart.

We torment ourselves with memories, cry for a departed love, or revise photos of a happy youth, only brushing off what lies ahead. Desperately clinging to the deeds of years gone by, we do not allow ourselves to either live in the present or move into the future.

Still from the film "Memoirs of a Geisha" Photo: pinterest.com

Even if now it seems to you that something in your life ended at the wrong time, ended in half, accept one thought - in fact, it is not so. If something comes to an end, then it comes just when it is needed. Yes, perhaps, years later, the past will remind of itself and even become a part of your life again, but at the moment there is no better outcome for you than to say goodbye to it temporarily or permanently.

Psychologists say that people, depending on the degree of emotionality, sensitivity and attachment to the past, can cling to it for several years.

Of course, two weeks are enough for someone to recover from the loss, but, as a rule, full recovery in this case is out of the question. People simply block negative emotions, memories, plunging headlong into work, other activity or new love, but then this blockage will subside, and everything that they so carefully hid will surely come back to haunt them triple.

Still, if the loss of someone or something really hurts you, it is better to give yourself time to suffer in order to then enter a new life as an emotionally healthy person.

Why don't we let go of the past

1. We do not want or cannot change. We understand that life requires from us constant changes, the ability to adapt to circumstances, to work on ourselves. Sometimes we just don’t want to do this, and sometimes we get so tired that we don’t feel the strength to make an effort and at least slightly transform. That is why we indulge in memories of a happy past, which, as we think, was perfect for us. Or, on the contrary, we blame the past for our current impotence, repeating: "I have gone through so much that now I am completely broken."

123RF / citalliance

2. The past is clear and understandable. Past love lies in front of us as if in the palm of our hand: we see all the mistakes we have made, remember all the hurtful words and at the same time enjoy the thoughts of happy moments. But the new feeling scares us - this is a completely different person, he needs to be recognized again, to go through all the stages of "grinding" that have already been passed with the former. In addition, thinking about the past, we forget about our fears for a while, because everything that could have frightened us yesterday has already frightened us.

3. We take offense at people from the past. Going through the moments of an unpleasant event in your head, when someone close to you hurt, you deliberately maintain an emotional connection with the offender. A woman rejected by a man may even think that she still loves him, but in fact she is guided only by resentment. No wonder the offended ladies often ask not "why did he leave?", But "how could he do this to me?"

4. We feel guilty. And you don't have to blame yourself for hurting someone or saying hurtful words. Often, people feel guilty directly in front of themselves, believing that they broke a bunch of firewood, did not say what was needed in time, did not defend their own point of view, and because of this, their life went headlong. However, this self-blame game does not benefit anyone - neither you, nor someone you may have offended.

How to say goodbye to the past

1. Don't hold back the pain. If you want to scream - scream, cry - cry, beat the sofa with a pillow - beat. Do whatever will help you relieve emotional stress without breaking the law, of course. Don't try to suppress negative emotions.

As we have already said, you will not be able to simply silence your pain, sooner or later it will appear before you in all its glory, and then it will be several times more difficult to cope with it.

2. Talk about your concerns. A friend, mom, a psychologist, a piece of paper, a blog on the Internet - whoever and whatever, you just need to speak out. Let the flow of speech be incoherent, let you jump from one to the other and then cry, then laugh - you just need now to find someone who can support you.

123RF / Katarzyna Białasiewicz

3. Try to forgive. If you just can't let go of the thoughts of the person who offended you, then try to forgive him. Of course, in words everything sounds much simpler than in practice, but trying to let go of old grievances is worth it - with such a load it will be very difficult for you to move forward.

4. Correct any errors. If there is no way to ask forgiveness from those whom you hurt, do otherwise: shift your attention to other people who need your support.

If you are sure that you spent little time with an elderly relative who is no longer alive, take care of those who are now with you.

5. Switch your attention. Self-pity is selfishness. When you cry with your nose in your pillow and ignore everyone and everything, you are being very selfish. You have to admit that half of the experiences you put on yourself are invented. Imagination is a very scary thing, because it has no boundaries, and you are now a living confirmation of this. Maybe instead of reveling in self-pity and tormented by non-existent problems, it is better to call your mother and find out how she is doing?

6. Break the connection. Various little things evoke millions of associations in our minds. It is not surprising that after breaking up with a man, for some time you cannot walk to the places where you used to be together, or listen to the music that was once “yours”.

123RF / akz

You can’t - and don’t. At first, try to avoid traumatic memories, but when the pain subsides a little, sort out his gifts and throw away those that are not practical, but only make it more painful. When it comes to music, try to give it a new meaning. Heard "your" song to the cafe? Connect her not with her ex-lover, but with this beautiful evening when you are surrounded by close friends.