How to tell if your marriage is about to fall apart

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Anyone who has gone through the divorce procedure is strong in hindsight and can perfectly explain why the love boat went downhill. But for some reason none of us knows in advance how the relationship will end. I am one of them. My husband and I seemed to be made for each other: we rarely argued, we had common interests. Of course, not everything was perfect, but against the background of many people around us, our marriage looked exemplary. We ourselves were surprised the most when, after 15 years of marriage, we decided to separate.

Analyzing the situation later, I was convinced that if I had known before what to pay attention to, I would have long ago discovered many signs of trouble in our relationship and, perhaps, would not have wasted a lot of time. Here's how to tell if a relationship is headed for divorce.

1. Describe vivid memories together

For example, let's imagine that on one of their first dates, a couple decided to take a walk in nature. Later, already being married, they tell their friends about it. If the marriage is happy, then the wife describes everything like this: “We are lost! They were looking for a way back, wandered for several hours in some forest jungle! But it was fun, we made fun of each other about the fact that none of us know how to navigate by the sun. In the end, we got to know the area better than if we had a map and a compass with us!"

If the marriage is problematic, then this is how it would sound: “He forgot the map of the area, and had to spend a lot of time to get out of this hole. After that, I never wanted to go for a walk in the forest again."

The same story is described, but instead of positive assessments and unity, which was expressed using the pronouns "we", "us", there is a dry negative, an attempt to distance oneself from what happened, disunity and opposition "he" - "I".

The researchers argue that the analysis of such family narratives, when spouses recall the significant events of the first years they lived together - no matter whether joyful or sad, is 90 percent accurate in predicting whether the marriage will be successful in the future or will fail.

Having learned about this, I remembered how I repeatedly told our new acquaintances about my first meeting with my future husband. We had a magical romantic evening, at the end of which we walked slowly along the embankment for a long time. I often remembered with a laugh that I was very limp then, because before that I had pulled the ligaments in training. Over time, when the marriage first cracked, remembering this, I changed the story a little and began to add: "Of course, he did not even notice my limp …"

2. Do you quarrel?

When we first got married, I considered myself lucky, because we almost never had fights. But research by psychologists shows that you don't need to draw conclusions about the quality of a relationship based on how often you fight.

Researchers from the United States, having interviewed many couples of newlyweds, came to a seemingly banal conclusion: those who had fewer quarrels considered themselves happier than constantly quarreling.

Paradoxically, three years later, it turned out that stronger relationships are just for those who initially had intense conflicts! In disputes, the spouses seemed to "rub in" to each other, finding compromises and defending their principled positions. At the same time, a young strong feeling did not allow them to completely scatter. Their marriage in the future turned out to be much more stable than those of those couples who at an early stage tried in every possible way to avoid conflicts. The latter by this time either divorced, or passed into the category of "problem spouses".

Of course, here we are not talking about physical violence or insults, which are unacceptable a priori. But in disputes and quarrels, apparently, not only truth is born, but also future family harmony. Therefore, according to psychologists, we must learn to admit conflict in family relationships.

3. And he rolled his eyes

As strange as it may sound, but one of the surest signs that a marriage is breaking up is a demonstrative eye roll! Scientists at the University of Washington have found that even if this facial expression is accompanied by a smile or laughter, it is nothing more than an inept disguise for the main thing: contempt. Contempt means that a partner is neglected and no longer considered valuable. In addition, such wordless expressions of sarcasm are almost always very difficult to respond to.

In any case, signs of disrespect - no matter how simple or sophisticated they may appear - indicate that the marriage needs help. Psychologists advise, first of all, to try to understand the reasons for the disrespect that has arisen towards a partner.

4. Make sure everyone's interests are met

When I was married, I relied on my husband for almost everything: I didn’t mind when he decided where and how we would spend the weekend, where we would go on vacation or who we would meet. Only when we parted company, I realized that in our former life together, perhaps because of my inertia, my opinion was not taken into account at all and there was no place for my favorite activities! As a result, I lost interest in life, which later became another argument in favor of divorce.

Psychologists insist that a “balance of interests” is required for a strong marriage: both spouses must participate in the “social” life of the family. It is not enough that one of the spouses will do something pleasant for the other; it is necessary that what was done was meaningful for the other.

That is, when making plans, first you need to find out from your partner how he prefers to spend time, and only after, taking this into account, build joint leisure activities so that everyone can get their share of the “pleasure cake”.