Relationship with an ex-girlfriend: how to maintain both friendship and love?

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

They say that relationships with ex-girlfriends are taboo and breaking it means betraying your friendship. Of course, there is a rational grain in this: when she met with him, she told you about all the quarrels and problems, and then it was you who handed her handkerchiefs and listened to long stories about how it hurt after their separation. But what if the heart defeated the mind and you realized that you fell in love with this man, and he reciprocates you? How to preserve both friendship and love, and is it possible in principle?

“Well, I didn't beat him off! They broke up long before we started communicating,”you reassure yourself, yet you feel that you are doing something wrong. Your throwings are quite clear: you would hardly be happy if your friend started dating someone who was once dear to you. And it doesn't matter that nothing else binds you, the memories are still alive, and you so wanted to erase this person from life forever, and here on you - he again returns to it, and even in the role of a beloved close friend. It is not surprising that now, finding yourself in such a scrupulous position, you doubt whether to tell your loved one at all that you are now with her ex. However, keeping the relationship secret for a long time will not work: sooner or later she will notice that you have a gentleman, and, having learned who he is, not from you, but from mutual acquaintances, she will become furious. And I must say, this reaction will be justified: not only did you dare to contact the one with whom she once broke up, but also hid it from her - it is not good.

And what should I do now? I don't want to choose! Both he and she are dear to me,”you ask, completely not understanding how to behave.

Do not worry, at first, of course, it is unlikely that it will be possible to easily organize friendly gatherings for three, but over time everything can work out, you just need to be patient and clearly follow our advice.

Prepare the soil

If the romance has already begun, and your friend is still in the dark, you should undoubtedly tell her about it yourself, but this should be done very carefully, having prepared the ground in advance. In most cases, this conversation will not be simple and short, and therefore you should not choose half an hour at lunch for it, and even more so forget about social networks and the phone. Such things should be talked about face to face in an environment conducive to long conversations. First, find out how your friend treats her ex. Yes, they broke up, but parting does not always mean that the girl instantly forgets about the man. Perhaps it still hurts her to remember their breakup, maybe she even harbors feelings for him. In any case, you should know about this, as well as about the reasons for their separation.

Analyze it

If your friend was the initiator of the breakup, then it may well be that the offended gentleman decided with the help of you to make his ex-girlfriend jealous of him. Unfortunately, this also happens. As a rule, in such situations, girlfriends easily relate to your news, for them it is already a turned page, and they have absolutely no feelings for a man left. But the question is: does he have feelings for her? Pay attention to how the new lover behaves in the presence of your girlfriend: if he becomes more tender than gentle, every now and then he hugs and kisses you, but hardly touches when she is not around, then most likely you are just bait for more large fish. In this case, you shouldn't even try to maintain both friendship and love. The second is simply not there.

Pay attention to how the new lover behaves in the presence of your friend.

Stand your ground

But do it tactfully and diplomatically. If you are sure that his feelings for you are strong, then when communicating with a friend, forget about the position of the guilty one. No, you should not say to a loved one with aplomb and harshness in your voice: “That's it, he's mine. If something doesn’t suit you, your problems”, but it’s also not worth apologizing, repeating:“If you wish, I’ll leave him”is also not worth it. Show your friend with all your appearance that you value this relationship and want to be with your loved one, but agree not to start talking about him, and even more so not to arrange meetings until she is ready.

Share your feelings

But not about feelings for a man, but about what you feel in relation to her - your close friend. Tell me how much you value your friendship, explain that you understand it and are ready to wait a while, to give her the opportunity to think things over. The main thing is to convey the idea that the relationship with her is so important to you that you will do everything so that everything returns to normal again.

Probably, it all depends on the person, and if your friend is an adult and wise woman, then one day she will understand that, having fallen in love with her ex-man, you did not stop loving her and remained the same best friend. She also realizes how hard it was for you: you rushed between two fires, most of all afraid of losing one of them. A moment will come when a friend will be able to look at this situation from a different angle, and, perhaps, in a couple of years you will communicate with families, but for this it is worth being patient. Water wears away the stone.