Make up, make up, make up, or conflict by the rules

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

No one will argue with the assertion that even in the most harmonious families it is impossible to bypass conflict situations: a forgotten date, budget overruns or an unwashed cup can serve as an irritant, spark for an outbreak of a quarrel. They say: "darlings scold - only amuse themselves." Psychologists confirm that a marital quarrel is sometimes even useful - it helps to let off steam and normalize the family atmosphere. But one must be able to quarrel correctly.

I discovered the science of conflict management quite late, by my standards, at about twenty. That is, it was by this age that I had already received a solid share of bruises and bumps from those who turned out to be stronger than me in disputes, and managed to spoil relations with wonderful people who turned out to be weaker in a conflict situation. When the matter was limited to a little red scoop, a written off algebra test or unwashed dishes, the consequences of the quarrels were insignificant, and the quarrels themselves were soon forgotten. But when a family and work appeared, and as a result - new relatives, bosses and colleagues, whom I did not choose, but with whom I had to communicate quite closely, the problem of prevention, localization, and getting out of the conflict became quite acute. It was then that I had to analyze my behavior, thoughts, draw conclusions, read articles and books by psychologists explaining these very conclusions, and look for a line of behavior. I cannot say that I have found the absolutely correct method "how to survive in a quarrel yourself and not spoil the relationship", but I would like to offer you various ways that, perhaps, will help you "save face" and nerves.

So, family conflicts. How often they arise, what forms they take and how they are resolved is a question of the temperament and compatibility of the spouses.

Suppressing aggressiveness is a hopeless thing. Either he will go into depression, or one day he will break free completely uncontrollably.

There are several rules for the "competent" resolution of family conflicts. Better, of course, if they do not take place in the presence of children. If this is not possible due to various circumstances, remember that no quarrel should affect the integrity of the family. The phrases, statements concerning the status of the father or mother in the house are categorically excluded. If the child happened to witness your quarrel, then it is necessary that he also witnesses your reconciliation.

Try to hear exactly what they tell you, do not write too much. This is especially true for women. We know how to quickly transform a small fly into a huge elephant!

Don't just think about yourself and your feelings. Use "we" more often than "me" and try to understand your partner's feelings.

Let your spouse talk to the end: often this alone is enough to calm down.

A conflict is usually provoked by a specific reason, around which it should develop. One should not generalize a small oversight, elevating it to the rank of a mortal sin. Broke a cup - does not mean that the muddler or "hands do not grow from there." I confess that I often find myself wanting to dump all the accumulated grievances on the head of the "guilty" spouse at once. If I manage to bite the stinging tongue and speak only to the point, removing sarcasm away, the conflict is resolved quickly and constructively and does not develop into an offense or into a dimensionless and meaningless scandal.

Even being hurt to the depths of your soul, remember that the person next to you is not an enemy, but a beloved husband, your support, joy and happiness.

The "external" conflict

It is impossible to bypass conflict situations at work, scandals in house management, public transport, etc. If you feel that a conflict is brewing, the first and last thing to do is to leave. If the old woman-squabbler, sitting on the next seat in the tram, in a completely unambiguous way appreciated your conscience, legs, blouse and moral character, then it is better not to notice her statement if possible. Leave the battle without waiting for losses. Is it worth wasting nerve cells?

To make it easier to retreat, you should adhere to a simple rule: "Keep your distance!"

Psychologists say that around each of us there are several circles of personal space intended for contact with the rest of the world. The first circle - with a radius of fifty centimeters or less - is a space for our parents, children and lovers. Sometimes we allow especially close friends in it. We place all other friends and relatives at a distance of fifty to one hundred and twenty centimeters. For the bosses, we keep the free space away, with a radius of up to four meters. Observe the observance or violation of the distance in various situations, and you can choose the best option for yourself in communication with this or that person.

In the event of an industrial conflict (I mean the divergence of opinions about work, not squabbles in the ladies' terrarium), the rules for getting out of the situation are similar to the rules for extinguishing family conflicts: do not get personal, listen to your opponent, and one more thing - try to find an arbiter - formal or informal a group leader, a person whose opinion is authoritative for both parties. In general, with a good manager who cares about the climate within the team, the conflict situation tries to be resolved even before it arises. The head of the company forms departments and appoints bosses, trying to avoid incompatibility or a rigidly authoritarian style fraught with conflict. For this, in many large companies, testing is carried out already at the stage of selecting candidates for a vacant position.

Unfortunately, in life it is impossible to avoid disputes, quarrels, conflicts, the consequences of which are bad mood, wasted nerve cells, deterioration of health.

An unpleasant situation is a reality. But when the unpleasant little thing is over, it's good to take a few deep breaths and carve out ten calm minutes to make your body happy.

There is a simple exercise - an inner smile. There is a connection between the cerebral cortex and organs, so such exercises cause nerve impulses that lead energy. You have to lie down or sit down and switch to the thought "my body is me". And then close your eyes and walk with your inner gaze from head to toe: ears, eyes, mouth, neck, chest, stomach, arms, legs. Imagine that every part of the body smiles, and the world smiles back at it, and smiling and quarreling at the same time is an empty exercise!