Secret confession

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

The heavy, iron-lined door leaned forward with difficulty, and she stepped out of the frosty blizzard evening into another world that enveloped her in warmth and semi-darkness formed by the flickering flame of candles. An evening service was being held in the church. The bass voice of the priest, who was reading the prayer, accompanied by the singing of the church choir, enveloped her body and tried to get to the place where the soul lived. Because of her, who knows where located, but recently constantly whining and begging for help, she came here today after another scandal with her beloved. In this oasis of icons and burning candles lived her last hope for help.

Placing a burning candle in a candlestick in front of the icon, she raised her eyes and met the kind motherly eyes of the Human Mother. A lump rolled up in her throat, her eyes were moistened, and as a child she wanted to burrow into her mother's knees and eagerly lay out all her troubles, and her lips were already involuntarily whispering:

- Mother of God, save,…. save,…. tell me….. how to live,…. when there is no more strength to live.

"

She immediately decided not to approach one, white-faced, about thirty or less, with thin little hairs gathered in a pile at the back. What can he advise her if he himself is still at the beginning of this difficult road called "Life". The other was about forty years old, but seemed too harsh. And here is the third one. Kind soft eyes, full lips, fluffy beard, and the age is closer to forty-five. But when she approached the line lined up to him, she realized that many people reasoned like she did. Standing at the back of the line, she involuntarily caught herself thinking:

- Really, to open up to God, you have to stand in line? - but then she tried to chase away this sinful thought. - I got stuck in sins, and also there - to reason.

But some believers clearly did not distinguish between the line for confession and the line at the store. A plump woman in her fifties who just asked:

- Who is the last to see Father Alexander? - was already walking along the line of believers, trying to beg permission from them to go ahead, due to being late for the train. And I must say that she succeeded. Again a sinful thought in my head:

- But if it was a line where punishments for our sins were handed out, would this woman ask to go ahead of the line?

How would it sound then: "Let me get my punishment out of turn"? And no one would think to rush to the train at this time.

She smiled and immediately asked for forgiveness:

- Lord, forgive for sinful thoughts.

I had to wait in line for more than one hour. In addition to this woman, children went to the priest without a queue. The priest covered his small, bright head with an epitrachilus and whispered the words of the prayer. The kids clumsily poked their lips into his hand and quickly ran to the side. When her turn came to confess and only two steps separated her from the good-natured face of Father Alexander, she was somehow immediately confused, and thoughts like frightened birds all flew out of her head. She painfully searched: what to hold on to, where to start? What is her biggest sin?

That she lived for a long time under socialism, that she believed in a bright future, in communism, and did not believe in the power of the Almighty, did not believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. The fact is that if a grandmother on a big divine holiday scolded her for a mountain of linen washed that day, she replied: "The Lord, grandma, has a holiday every day, and we are working people, when we do things like not on a day off."

What is her sin? In the fact that after a divorce from her drunken husband, she met a man and passion swept over her. In her life, a relationship appeared in which she first began to understand what it means to be intimate between a man and a woman. Is it a sin to be with him, to love him, to desire him? But there was a sin, she knew it for sure, because if it were not for it, then there would not have been so many scandals in her relationship with this man, there would not have been so many evenings spent on finding out the relationship, there would not have been that sea of tears, what she spilled.

And she did not notice how her words for several minutes quietly and smoothly flow from her lips into the exposed ear, who bowed the father's head to her.

- Father, I love him very much, but I'm tired of his late returns home, of his constant lies, of these soul-tearing and endless clarifications "who is right and who is wrong," she said in a whisper.

And suddenly she froze at the words that rang out under the dome of the temple:

- Or maybe you still love not him, but yourself … … And you, not him, need your relationship?

And she suddenly wanted to hide from his eyes, looking into the very soul. An eye that understood everything: the languor of her body from the caresses of a man and all the fragility, built relationships, at the base of which lay a terrible fear of loneliness. And then his gaze went even deeper:

- Are you scheduled? ….. You got married?

And this is her monosyllabic answer:

- No.

And then her stupid question:

- What for? You can live like that. Now many people live like this.

Father Alexander's soft voice with a hint of instruction continued:

- But if you love each other, then what prevents you from getting married? To appear before the face of the Lord as husband and wife. Maybe then all conflicts will be resolved by themselves.

And as if ending the conversation, he admonished.

- Come to church more often.

He had already put the epitrachelion on her head and read the prayer of absolution, but the question did not leave her: "And what is this …. all ….?" And where are the answers to the questions that they raised among themselves in the endless dispute "who is right and who is wrong?" And why then was there this languor in such a long line. Maybe it would be better to go to a psychotherapist again?

She, annoyed, tired and completely exhausted, pushed the heavy door back into this mad, mad world, catching a glimpse at the door of the woman who was still late for the train. On the street, she gave vent to tears, from nowhere poured out in a stream. A harsh wind with snow whipped her in the face, but she even liked it, because it distracted her from the blizzard that circled inside and was stronger and more painful.

- Well, what is it. Unmarried, and there is nothing to talk to us about? - she continued to lament.

With a tear-stained face, I somehow did not want to go in transport. And although the road to the house was not close, she went on foot. Either from a quick walk, or new thoughts born in her head after confession, or from the fact that God really heard her, but the further she moved away from the church brick walls, the calmer and calmer she became. Continuing the conversation with the priest, she did not notice how she said aloud:

- But let's get married! - she said and thought about it herself.

A wedding is a vow, given before God and people, to be together all your life, both in joy and in sorrow. All my life … all my life … … Looking into this eternity, she was frightened. In that eternity, love was like Jesus crucified on the cross: bleeding hands, meekness and peace in the eyes. As in the Bible - true love endures for a long time, is merciful, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not rage, does not seek its own (but the benefit of another), does not get irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in untruth, but rejoices at the truth, covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything.

Yes, father is right, this is not about her. It's easy to get along with a person for one day and you don't need to think for a long time, because tomorrow you can disperse. And to choose a life partner on a long journey - there is something to think about.

- Think about it! - She said resolutely to herself, and already quite calmly looked at the dark windows of her apartment.