The unloved is waiting for him at the window

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

You consider yourself quite an adult and emancipated person who is difficult to knock the earth out from under her feet. And yet, at the words of the most beloved, gentle, talented, intelligent man:"

Personally, I never imagined that one day I would meet a man who would change all my ideas about morality. And now: head over heels in love with the father of three children and a caring husband, but not her own.

Sometimes one has only to flare up love, and marital status, moral considerations no longer stop. When I found out that the man of my dreams was already busy, the attraction turned out to be so strong that the ban on having a relationship with a married man did not work. The desire to be loved is sometimes stronger than a taboo, and this desire for love, like the prohibition of love, always goes alongside.

Ohio State University sociology professor Laurel Richardson writes that modern demographics, cultural trends and realities are pushing for illicit relationships. Statistics show that, for a number of reasons, the number of single men is decreasing, creating a striking shortage of men for single women over 27 years of age. At the same time, society demands that a woman, if she wants to be considered "normal", be part of a heterosexual couple: "For objective reasons, two groups of women in particular tend to seek" heterosexual relationships "in the arms of someone else's husband: older women," suitable "men for whom it is most likely that they are already employed (among single women over 55 who have retained sexual activity, about 45% have a relationship with a married man), and women who are busy with their careers, who have come to the conclusion that they have enough free time only for a connection of this kind, that is, "fish without fish and cancer."

Infidelity is rooted in human biology. “Four million years ago, primitive men who lived in the vast African pastures benefited from having children by many women,” explains anthropologist Fisher. “Having children from more than one woman, a man provided himself with more support for the future. one child a year (usually she gives birth to a child every three to four years, because during the feeding period ovulation often does not occur). Therefore, the adulterer could not give her more children, but gave her additional livelihood and protection. for the benefit of both men and women. Those who were prone to adultery were more likely to live longer."

Surveys of various groups of the population find that 40-50 percent of married men have extramarital affairs. What's more, another study shows that nearly 70 percent of married men under 40 who have not yet had one assume they will have an affair. According to experts, in the future, a rare woman will not have a relationship with a married man in her life. There is evidence that in the United States, 15 to 20 percent of all single women over 35 are associated with a married man. That's roughly 11 million American women. At the same time, purely sexual relations and female predators who specialize in "catching" other people's husbands are not the norm, but the exception.

I learned about the marital status of the desired man in the first minutes of meeting: the wedding ring glittered treacherously on my finger. For three years we hid our feelings, meeting in joint campaigns, talking about raising children, about husbands' wives, until one hot day the feeling hit us in the head, completely turning off our minds and involving us in a dangerous game. He was honest with me, and I knew what I was going for, succumbed to passion. I was his first beloved, but not his wife. Before that, there was the first beloved, but a wife.

But usually a married man who wants to get a "fish in the net" and does not have primary experience in this matter, hides his seal in his passport while there is an opportunity, and confessing if necessary, says that his marriage is no longer valid, that his wife does not understand him, she has "her own life", he can even declare that his wife will be glad if she finds out about his relationship on the side, since she herself is not up to him. But then ask him: "Why are you still together?" Most Don Juans will answer this like this: "We are bound by common property, children. I did not want to get involved in a divorce, because before I had no one … And now there is you! And I am ready to give up everything and start life with you again."

The hint is promising. But, as the practice of family relations shows, men rarely get divorced because of their mistresses. In 95 cases out of 100, the reason for divorce is a chronic conflict between spouses. A man who has an eternal military conflict at home often uses an affair with a single woman to distract himself from his troubles.

For many of the stronger sex, a love affair means breaking the monotony of an even well-established, but everyday life associated with work, home, wife and children. "A connection on the side is an opportunity to escape from everyday life, seductive relaxation and entertainment," says Dr. Slater. "And if family life does not go well, there are too many fights, for example, romance becomes an outlet where there are no conflicts and you can regain a sense of control." But not all men have romances for sex. "There are those for whom sex and emotional intimacy are equally important, so the romance can take deep roots. These men usually suffer from feelings of guilt - and it can be very intense." “There is also a kind of men who are convinced that outside relationships are perfectly acceptable,” notes Dr. Glase. “This is part of their value system, they have no guilt. It is a mistake to expect a Don Juan to change his habits. If your husband was one before marriage the chances of him becoming an exemplary husband are slim."

50 percent of all women live with cheated or cheated husbands, although some experts believe this figure could be even higher. Sometimes the wife decides not to pay attention to the infidelity, especially if the husband suits her in other respects. This happens quite often. A woman may not want to ruin a marriage because of her children. And let's not forget that usually a divorce has a heavy effect on her financial situation, while a man's financial situation worsens due to divorce much less often. Often, women prefer to share their husbands, but not to lose them. They do not want to lose their status as the wife of a rich or famous person. Often women are afraid of being alone. Unfortunately for wives, sometimes men do not end their marriage for the same reasons. Therefore, when the children grow up and the man is no longer obliged to support them, the husband often leaves the family ship, leaving the wife alone, aged, frustrated and embittered.

There are times when marriage is especially vulnerable., says clinical psychologist Judith Slater:

When you are just starting a life together. As the honeymoon goes on, some couples find that the demands of living together are very high. "They thought the romance would go on forever, and they weren't ready for real life, where you have to share concerns and make compromises," says Dr. Slater.

When you become a parent. “After the birth of a child, women usually have little interest in sex for a year, because they get very tired. All thoughts of the wife are often focused on the child to the point that the husband feels abandoned. Often he tries to restore balance by finding someone who will pay attention exclusively to him."

When you're over thirty. Usually after the age of thirty, the burden of day-to-day responsibilities, parenting concerns, and also in connection with promotion increases. A love story can be fun.

In the face of impending aging. "The middle years of life are associated with withering and summing up. You may feel like you are frozen in place, and you begin to reassess the values, determine what you have achieved and, more importantly, what you did not manage to achieve. A love story, how are you? seems to be the beginning of a new phase in your life."

When you've been through tragedy. After the death of a parent or a dangerous illness of a child, a person may have an affair to try to forget. It’s like a vacation from despair.

Although the mystery surrounding a relationship with a married man can be exciting at first, sex can be great, the romance of the relationship is exciting, love is the most tender, after a few months a woman begins to notice that she is losing respect for herself. That which was sweet becomes bitter, that which was fascinating, infringes upon the feeling of pride.

Living a secret life, a woman runs the risk of being isolated by being tied to a telephone that "should" ring. She does not have the right to call her lover home herself - her wife may be near the phone and overhear the conversation. She will also have to spend New Year's, other holidays, and vacations alone - after all, these days her beloved belongs to the family. He controls their relationship, not her, which can be hard on the psyche. Giving up the right to control your own time - your own life - evokes feelings of anger, resentment, and depression. Intimacy is carried out hastily in the apartments of friends, where everything is alien and alien, in empty dachas and in other places that have little or no desire for love. Before leaving, the girl has to "cover her tracks" or watch with disgust as a man does, to check if she left a comb or other "evidence" in her lover's car. She can't even kiss him goodbye so that his wife doesn't throw him a scene because of the lipstick on his face. And for all that, she should always be cheerful, full of delight and liveliness, since his own wife provides her lover with frustration and troubles. Needless to say, the unenviable position of a girl - the mistress of a married man!

As a rule, a relationship with a married man is rarely long-term. Only 25 percent of relationships end in marriage. "Most romance lasts about two years," says family psychologist Bitner. "You go through a series of stages. First, attraction, then a period of hope, when you think that something will come out of all this, and then the realization that nothing will work out, he is not going to leave his wife. You ask yourself, "Can I live like this?" Most women cannot, and the romance is over."

Summarizing the above, I will write about one old truth that should never be forgotten: if a man deceives his wife, he can deceive you too. And it is not a fact that if your wife does not understand him, you will succeed. Very often such men do not understand themselves.

The ancient Chinese, by the way, have a wise saying about this: "A married lover is like a shell. One in a million has pearls inside, the rest are just slugs."

Continuation