I live with the unloved

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

What drives women to marry an unloved man? If we talk about external reasons, then the answer is obvious: first, the instinctive need to create a family and have a child. No matter how highly organized creatures we are, instincts have power over us, and therefore nature sometimes "requires" procreation. Not every woman manages to "agree" with this requirement. And love still didn’t happen or didn’t work out, but another didn’t come for it.

And if a woman is already under 30 or over 30, then she often begins to think that maybe nothing is worth waiting for at all. The role of a candidate for husband is usually the one who is in love with a woman and achieves her, or the one who considers her just suitable, and strong feelings are optional. It happens that a woman is not sure that she now needs marriage at all, but relatives and friends, seeing the courtship of a "decent guy", literally put pressure on her, instilling fears: look, what a good man, they may not invite you to get married again! Often social factors are also included here: for example, the girl's parental family lives poorly and crowded, getting married is a way to somehow improve the financial situation. Very often they go into unions with the unloved after experiencing unhappy love, disappointed and losing faith in their feelings, they try to simply “arrange life” - to make it comfortable, calm, pleasant. The latter reason, by the way, pushes men into similar unions.

And now let's talk about what deep reasons lead to such a life scenario, because the fact that love "did not come" or "failed" is not accidental.

Fear. Often the scenario of life with the unloved is unconsciously chosen by those who are afraid to love. The reasons for this fear can be different: emotional coldness in the parental family, the negative reaction of parents to the manifestations of the child's feelings, one-sided relationship in the family, when the child is constantly not given affection and love, while something is constantly being demanded from him. As a result, growing up, a person develops the habit of not even suppressing his feelings, but simply not noticing them. By blocking his feelings at a very early stage of their occurrence, he actually prevents any mutual love from happening. And then the reason already turns on, which says that you should not wait for love.

In this scenario, a person tries to get more from a partner at the level of interpersonal relations than to give himself. "I want to be loved, but I won't!" - revenge of a disliked child to the world.

All this, of course, in most cases happens unconsciously.

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Uncertainty. Such a person can be as sensitive as he wants, but at the same time he is deeply unsure of his own significance and the right to life's blessings. Uncertainty can be formed from similar factors: criticism, lack of warmth or refusal to caress, ignoring the interests of the child. But, as a rule, feelings are not suppressed, and it is not fear that arises, but a persistent feeling of one's own insignificance. It is such a woman who can marry "out of despair", being convinced that nothing better "shines" for her, and she herself will not achieve anything without a husband. Or, at first, unhappy love, disappointment happens in her life, and then such a "compensatory" marriage, where, perhaps, she is loved, but not at all the way she would like herself. And most often, in marriages with such women, there is also overt use by a man.

If emotionally cold, "unapproachable" women, as in the first case, sometimes excite the passions of a certain type of men, then insecure women often push men to use it.

A woman is cold - she takes revenge and is not afraid to be left alone, it is more terrible for her to feel than to be alone, for an insecure woman it is more terrible to remain alone, because she perceives herself as “zero without a stick”.

The outcome of such marriages varies. It all depends on what will prevail in a person over the years: the need to love or, nevertheless, a feeling of fear and insecurity. This struggle still has an ending: either fears go away over the years, feelings wake up, confidence comes, or vice versa - fears take root, and uncertainty deepens. If development follows the second scenario, the marriage will be strong, but most likely unhappy: both partners will experience a lack of warmth to one degree or another. If it follows the first path, then the divorce of such spouses is a matter of time.

And if you are going to marry an unloved one, first of all, think about it: for what reasons could you be so “unlucky” that mutual love did not happen? And aren't you in a hurry? After all, your fears and insecurities may disappear, but remaking your life with the unloved, in which there are already children, is more difficult than starting from scratch yourself.