Grandma: to trust or not to trust?

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Having a baby is not a reason to forget about professional growth? Who will take care of the baby while you are at work? When you remember kindergarten, it distorts you, you have to pay three quarters of your salary to the nanny. There is only one option left: grandmother.

Unlike a nanny, grandmothers do not have to pay, they have irregular working hours and they do not love “children in general,” but your baby. But what should you do if your views on education do not coincide?

Too caring

The grandmother does not dress her grandchildren for the weather, feeds them “through I can’t,” and cleans up the scattered toys herself. “My sister and I were obviously fed by my grandmother. As a result, in my first year, I had to declare a merciless war on overweight, - says Victoria. “That is why I don’t trust my son’s mother-in-law - she is a great lover of feeding the child with abundant and fatty food”.

Such grandmothers claim that they wish their grandchildren only the best. In fact, they are driven by a subconscious fear of overlooking the child. The fear of not justifying your hopes leads to absurd actions: “Once my mother decided that it was too cold to go for a walk in socks, and too hot in tights. We didn't have golf shoes, my daughter spent the whole day at home,”says Ira.

What to do? Just leave her no choice: every day, lay out the appropriate clothing for the child in a prominent place, distribute the food in portions and store it in separate containers. This method will sober up a too caring grandmother: in fact, you take responsibility for her actions. Victoria advises to arm yourself with the opinion of professionals: for her son, the therapist has made an optimal diet.

Be sure to explain to your grandmother that you do not want your baby to grow up dependent and lazy inept. Offer her to do everything not instead of her grandchildren, but together with them.

Grandmother - "controller"

Katya, the happy mother of five-year-old Petya, has a very “active” mother-in-law: “Victoria Makarovna will always find something to do: either move the furniture in the nursery, or trim her son. And she always has an explanation: the bed is in a draft, with an old haircut, her vision deteriorated. Petya is also not happy with her upbringing methods: the grandmother forbids watching cartoons and selects "non-pedagogical" toys. My son is offended when I leave him with his grandmother. The main thing is that she herself is absolutely sure that she is right and constantly hints that we will be lost without her."

The “controller” grandmother is haunted by the same fear all her life: she is afraid of becoming unnecessary. The motto of such women is: "I live not for myself, but for others." Psychologists believe that behind such statements hides the need for approval of their actions from others.

What to do? Explain that you will not allow certain boundaries of your family space to be violated. Act tactfully but decisively. Try to limit the zone of influence of the Controller: determine what is equally fascinating to both the grandmother and the child, and in this area give her complete freedom.

Make your grandma feel needed. Katya entrusts her mother-in-law with important matters, for the implementation of which an assertive and disruptive character is needed: get tickets for a popular children's play, enroll the child in a free section, undergo medical examination with him. "Do not skimp on compliments and words of gratitude!" - she advises.

If you cannot cool the Controller's excessive ardor, switch part of her attention to another “object”: find a suitable hobby, introduce you to your lonely neighbor of the appropriate age.

Two grandmothers in conflict

If both grandmothers want to actively participate in the upbringing of their grandchildren, but cannot get along with each other, the child will constantly be between two fires: “The mother-in-law kept asking my son whom he loves more, her or her other grandmother, my mother. My husband and I had to intervene. My mother also did not behave in the best way: she constantly bought expensive toys for her son and claimed that the other grandmother did nothing for him,”Svetlana recalls.

Grandmothers are fighting for the attention of their long-awaited grandchildren, regardless of anything, not thinking about the means and methods. As a result, the child grows up in a tense atmosphere, becomes spoiled, and quickly learns to manipulate adults.

What to do? The main thing is to protect the child from the manifestations of the personal conflict of the grandmothers. In a calm manner, explain your position to your mother and mother-in-law, set the rules of the game, and make sure they stick to them. If the conflicting grandmothers do not understand in a good way, gather a family council and, with the support of your husband, give them an ultimatum: either they declare a truce, or you hire a nanny.

Be objective and try to establish which grandmother your child is more comfortable with. Based on the preferences of the baby, distribute their responsibilities and the time they spend with their grandson. Does your daughter love her mother-in-law more? Trust your husband's mom to take care of your granddaughter on weekdays, and yours to walk with her on weekends. “I draw up a“communication schedule”so that smaller grandmothers meet in our apartment, - he offers his own way of solving the problem of Light. "You just need to make sure that he doesn't catch their own eyes."

Selfish Granny

You were sure that your mother or mother-in-law would help you raise your child. They gladly taught you the basics of baby care, presented you with a classic Spock book and … that was all. “You can't lure our grandmother to us! I feel sorry for the child - all grandmothers are like grandmothers: they take away from the kindergarten, bake buns, and ours …”- Olga worries.

Women who become grandmothers early usually continue to work and actively communicate. Many do not give up hope to arrange their personal life. It is much easier to help them financially than to establish close emotional relationships with grandchildren. For them, the birth of grandchildren is both a great joy and a great stress.

What to do? Learn to respect your grandmother's decision. So that your baby does not suffer from a lack of communication, send your child with her to special events: for example, to a Christmas tree, to a birthday. If the option with a nanny is unacceptable for you, when solving everyday problems, ask your grandfathers for help. “Our grandfather is happy to take care of his granddaughter. He worries that he did not devote enough time to his children and tries to catch up,”says Olga.

If at first things don't go very smoothly, don't despair. For the sake of the child, mother and grandmother should try to find a common language. A simple psychological technique will help you not to lose self-control. If you feel that an open conflict cannot be avoided, remember what warm relations between you and your own grandmother. And smile!