Continuous misalliance: why it is so difficult to find a mate

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

A long time ago it was said by a classic: "You cannot harness a horse and a quivering doe in one cart." And the moral of this fable is such that in any joint business one must look for an equal. If the composition is of different sizes, then nothing will work, there is nothing to try. And marriage, whatever you say, is also a kind of team, and in order to cope with it, people who are in harmony with each other should drag it.

The problem of unequal marriage did not arise today. For example, in the first place in England in the Victorian era were class-group prejudices. The notion of misalliance (unequal marriage) was brought to the point of absurdity. Who is a pair and not a pair, equal and uneven - was solved at the level of a complex algebraic problem with many variables. For example, nothing prevented the marriage of the offspring of two equal aristocratic families … except for the conflict that arose between the ancestors of these families back in the 15th century and has not yet been exhausted. A successful rural shopkeeper could not marry his daughter to the son of a butler of a local landlord, for a butler - a representative of the category of "senior master's servants" - on the social ladder stood immeasurably higher than a shopkeeper, even if he, the butler, did not have a penny to his heart. The highest titled nobility remained a tightly closed corporation, it was almost impossible to penetrate it with the help of money or marriage.

Therefore, the meaning of this concept was quite definite: marriage between people with different social status. Of course, many other differences followed from this: differences in income, education, value system, habits, tastes, age, height, weight, ethnicity and confession, citizenship, position, speech (pronunciation and accent). The listing can be continued based on a specific situation. But whatever our list of criteria may be, the main question remains: how to find that community that makes a marriage happy, inexplicably whole, despite any formal signs of difference between spouses? And what is behind the saying, "Marriages should be made equal"? What are "equals"? In what ways must they be "equal" for the marriage to be happy?

In our time, it is customary to justify a lot with love. "Love will come unwittingly." And I think you shouldn't give in to a feeling that suddenly visited you and listen only to your heart, your mind should always work. The cloakroom attendant is not a match for the theater soloist, and the "golden girl" is no match for a bouncer in a nightclub.

One of my friends got married because she wanted to get out of the care of her parents as soon as possible and make, as they say, a “goat” for them. Her dad was a big boss and predicted the son of his business partner to be Natalya's husband. However, her daughter went her own way: having met a beautiful and pumped-up Andrey, Nata fell in love with him, and after a while the young people signed. She was not embarrassed by the fact that, at the age of 27, Andrei did not have a permanent job, interrupting here and there, but he could sit the money that appeared in a restaurant with friends. When the honeymoon was over, I had to turn to my dad so that he could find a place for the hubby, who had also received an education at a vocational school. The first child was born in the family, the second. Natalia didn't really have to go on maternity leave, since she worked as a legal adviser in a large company and had a good salary: she had to support her children for something, since her husband's money was not worth counting on. Andrei worked as a security guard three days later, he had a lot of free time to work somewhere else, but he had no desire. It infuriated him when his wife's parents paid for kindergartens for their children, hired a nanny, bought things, infuriated that his wife disappeared in the office. But he himself did not want to move to support his family. Once we, her friends, gathered at Natalya's birthday party. The birthday girl started the conversation, complaining that she was in a hurry to give birth to children, because she could not devote much time and attention to them. Andrey joined the conversation: “Yes, I don’t mind if my wife stays at home with the children, only then we will have to deny ourselves everything, since my salary will not be enough for anything” … The family lasted for five years, then broke up.

They say: "Love is evil, you will love the goat." And indeed, what kind of misalliance does not sprout on feverish love soil! Despite the fact that parents tell their children: marry on an equal footing! And years later, when a grown-up child still brings to the house of his betrothed twenty years older or "not from our circle", they shrug their shoulders and ask: "Why?"

One of the oldest Russian magazines "Health" once wrote: "Most likely because in childhood we all read fairy tales." Open any collection - and make sure that the basis of the plot is almost every other misalliance. And although most fairy tales end with a wedding, keeping silent about how the family life of the heroes developed, it is likely that Cinderella and the prince subsequently divorced and divided the property in court.

As you know, a fairy tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it, a lesson for good fellows. And not even one, but several. If we analyze the most famous stories, the results will exactly coincide with the opinion of psychologists about which differences will only strengthen the union, and which ones can become a stone against which a love boat will break. Among the first, experts call the difference in age (Sleeping Beauty and the Prince - after all, more than 100 years difference!), In social status (Cinderella and the Prince) and intellectual giftedness (Vasilisa the Wise and Ivan the Fool is a textbook example of how one partner allows others to lead themselves, more discerning and intelligent). More dangerous situations are those when there are differences in physiology (no wonder that the Little Mermaid and the prince did not succeed), in temperaments (Snow Maiden and Misgir do not get along not only in fairy tales) or in upbringing and spiritual and ethical attitudes (Bluebeard's wives are one after another, they rudely invaded the holy of holies of their husbands - as a result, everything ended in tears both for them and for him). At least start teaching fairy tales in the lessons of ethics and psychology of family life at school!

Now I do not want to impose my opinion on anyone and urge to look for an equal: everyone must make a decision for himself and be responsible for it. Moreover, ANY marriage can be considered unequal. Old-young, rich-poor - only extremes, and therefore gossip about them. There is no equality in marriage, and there cannot be, because we are all different, with our own cockroaches, principles and views. Every person has his own character. Hobbies, wealth, knowledge, the manner of arguing, drinking tea, eating from a frying pan and snoring are all individual.

By the way, here's another misalliance for you: on the basis of the difference in the professions of a husband and wife. The number of professions is now so great that it cannot be compared with past eras. And the occupation leaves its mark on a person, forms a professional style of thinking, habits, in a word - psychology. Therefore, people are now often divided not by class and not even into men and women, but by occupation. And in this sense, most marriages today are unequal marriages.

Please note: student weddings between classmates (plus or minus the course) began to be played rarely. Girls consider classmates as suitors, if only they have a separate apartment, a car and a parent's oversized wallet. The dream of many is to lasso a businessman. At the same time, they themselves are not very much. But we are sure that such a misalliance will make them happy. Nonsense …

I somehow managed to fall in love with a banker. We met at one presentation. Anton looked after me beautifully, took me to restaurants, gave me flowers and diamonds. Then he moved to me, saying that he could not leave his son and wife (albeit unloved) without an apartment. The usual everyday life began - he was at work from morning until late at night. That in business negotiations. Then with business partners somewhere else. I will not wash dirty linen in public now, I will simply say - we ran away in three months.

Then I had a deplorable experience of a civil marriage with a musician. It seems that the two of us are creative people, but … He constantly waited for the muse, wrote songs at night or played in clubs, lost his diaries, did not remember where he put the slippers … In the morning, with a broom in my hands, I scooped up the pieces of music he had torn from everywhere in the morning, trying not to wake up the "genius", as the real secretary answered "call back later, Dan can't answer the phone right now." I suddenly found out that sex is not very interesting for him … And to raise his creative tone he needs a bottle of cognac.

In a word, how many years have been given to people who were not originally intended for you!.. It's a pity for years: some strength, dreams, some part of youth and beauty have gone with them … But why? Because the mesalliance is good only in a fairy tale. And in ordinary life, it is better to look for an equal.

Male opinion: If the woman is older. About the pros. Paired with a more mature woman, it is easier for a man to realize himself in life, since his chosen one has more life experience, she is more serious and in many issues more perspicacious than him. The female sex begins to mature psychologically before the male sex, because in order to continue the human race, nature has endowed women with mental invulnerability and moral stability. Only next to a strong woman does a young man become truly courageous. Read more…

He is 19 years older than me. He is 43, and I am 24. He was married. There is an adult daughter. We have a great relationship with him. Amazing sex. But … He has been dating a woman for eleven years. They have never lived together, never married, and have no children. But for some reason he doesn't want to leave her for me. She is 46 years old. She is divorced. Adult daughter. This situation is very annoying to me. He really wants me to give birth to his child, but he does not intend to marry me. Read more…