The mythology of divorce: why after 30 it is difficult to decide

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Promising does not mean getting married, and wanting a divorce does not mean divorce. And despite the fact that two-thirds of partings nowadays take place on the initiative of a woman, not a man, this decision is given to us, oh, how difficult it is. The reason for everything is fears, pretty much flavored with modern divorce mythology. Here are just the most common divorce myths:

Myth: "I am already over 30, so the chances of remarriage are small, because the shift has already grown up - young girls from 18 and older, and I am not a competitor to them"

The roots of this myth are clear. 40-50 years ago, a woman who stepped over the bar at the age of 30 did not really look the best. She dressed in accordance with the then accepted fashion standards, emphasizing her "mature" age, and acted as if most of her life was left behind. Previously, almost all men after the age of 30 were married, and those who, for some reason, were not, aroused serious suspicion. A girl who did not marry before the age of 25 was considered an old maid, and if she did not give birth before that age, she was considered old-born. But today, the period from 30 to 40 years old is considered the second phase of youth. Men now generally choose not to tie the knot before this age. And women, if they do not start their appearance, at 30-40 look more spectacular and sexier than at 20. It has long been not uncommon for people to make a career after 30, get a second higher education in their 40s, and radically change their lives around forty. From 30 to 40 years old, they create families and give birth to their first children - now this is normal. And an unsuccessful marriage at the age of 20-30 is considered a mistake of hasty youth, but not at all a disaster, as it once was. So what's stopping a divorced woman from starting from scratch after 30? Only my own laziness, complexes, inability to present oneself well, love for desserts and … but more on that another time.

If you didn't make it to 35, then that's it?

I am 35, was in an official marriage (7 years), and in a civil marriage (3 years). After a civil marriage, all those complexes that were, increased significantly. I was recovering for almost two years. I worked with a psychologist, read literature, realized what is interesting for me to do in my life - I began to recover. Fans appeared. Somehow a new client appeared at work. We have never seen each other, but we often talked about work moments, then I began to notice that he calls more and more often and is already talking not only about work. I have immunity to clients, so I was calm and communication with him did not cause me a storm of fantasies and emotions. Once he casually asked how old I was, to which I calmly replied: 35. There was a pause for a few seconds, and then a disappointed exclamation that we were almost the same age. I said that this is a great age, he mumbled something in response and disappeared, then another employee called from his company. I was not upset by his disappearance, on the contrary, I was glad for myself, but his reaction to my age made me think. I suddenly felt scared: no family, no children, give men partners up to 30. I fell into a stupor and cannot get out of it. I understand everything in my mind, but in my soul it is bad. I was completely discouraged. Ugly thoughts: if at a young age she could not arrange her personal life, then after 35 and even more so. So how to start living with this "discovery"? (Irina, 35 years old)

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Myth: "Our family is going through a typical crisis, we need to be patient, and everything will work out."

This is only true if both spouses still feel that they will be better off together than apart. If the desire to remain a couple is strong for both, and the "crisis" in the relationship does not touch upon such slippery topics as marital fidelity and infidelity. The temporary absence of a common goal, common cause, common views on future life can be gradually compensated for, but the loss of trust caused by betrayal, betrayal - never. In the first case, even divorce will not become the final chord: repeated marriages between the same spouses are no longer exotic, and divorce in such families is one of the methods of shock therapy of relationships. But the opposite often happens: in an attempt to "wait out" the crisis, the husband and wife bring themselves to complete hatred for each other, and the divorce inevitably following this event becomes more like not a civilized separation of two adults, but more like military actions of inadequate adolescents.

Do I need to leave the family if love has passed?

They lived with my husband for 20 years. Have a son. This year I entered the university. For twenty years there has been a lot: both joy and problems. But lately there has been a feeling of alienation between us. I have a feeling that we both stopped loving each other. And, most importantly, I do not want to do anything to return the relationship. I want to leave and start a new life. What is this - gray hair in a beard, a devil in a rib? (Katerina, 45 years old)

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Myth: "I want to keep my family together for the sake of the children."

Alas, this occupation is meaningless and even harmful. Sociologists from different countries have long and irrefutably proven that the most important thing for a child is attention from the parents. It doesn't matter where exactly mom and dad live, it is important - do they remember about the child, how much time they really spend with him ("real" means exactly the time spent on the child, and not on staying in the same room with him), do they like him and whether they talk to him about love. As a rule, parents who live together only for the sake of their children are more fixated on their own complex relationships, it is difficult for them to cooperate with each other in matters concerning children, and manifestations of love for each other are completely reduced to zero. Do not underestimate your child: the intuition developed at a young age will unmistakably tell him that mom and dad have “something wrong”, not as it should be normal. This will not make your child happier, and even instill the wrong model of behavior in the future family life.

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How to get away from a good husband?

I am married with two high school children. For more than a year now I have loved another man (this is not a whim: a time-tested feeling!), With whom I would like to live the rest of my life. He is waiting for my decision, he is ready to support my children in every possible way … But his conscience torments: how to leave her husband, in general, a good man who loves his father? How can you explain your behavior to children? I understand that my departure will be a shock to my loved ones, but I really want to be happy, love and be loved, and I am sure (I will not describe all the events that confirm my confidence in my beloved - it will take a lot of space and time) that I can do it better with another person than with my husband … What if I love another? Sacrifice your personal life and stay in the family for the peace of your children and husband? But the children will grow up, they will live their own lives, and I will no longer have the opportunity to live with my loved one if I do not go to him now … (Galina, 39 years old)

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Myth: "Such husbands do not roll on the road" (you will not find another like that)

The first person from whom a woman who almost decided to divorce hears this phrase is mom. Or another, necessarily "wise with life experience" lady, in her words, wishing well. Evaluating your partner from their bell tower, people forget that no matter how wonderful a person is, all his dignities are reduced to zero in the face of one gross, homely truth: you do not love him. Imagine being offered, for example, a piece of chocolate cake, praising its taste, and you do not like chocolate, you are so strange - well, you don’t like chocolate or you are allergic to it. So what joy do you have that this cake is a masterpiece of culinary art? Others are delighted with him, and to you he is like a bone in your throat. So it is with her husband. Just because he's amazingly good doesn't mean he and you are made for each other. On the contrary, the sooner you give each other freedom, the more chances that you will meet your mate on time. There are so many people on earth - do you really still believe that it is for you that out of the billions of different men the right one is not "lying around"?

I'm afraid to be alone for the rest of my life …

She got married because of a very big love. Two years later, the intensity of emotions subsided, and I realized that I had made a mistake: there was a very good person next to me, but absolutely not my person. We absolutely did not coincide in anything. I decided to divorce, but my husband thought that I was bored and began to insist on the child. My family supported him. I convinced myself that they were all right, and made a deliberate effort to get pregnant. When I was already at the goal, an accident happened to me, which forever deprived me of the opportunity to have children. My husband, mine and his family were very upset with me and very supportive of me. And then my husband began to treat me like an insensitive multifunctional robot. I understand that his hopes for a happy family life were not justified with me. Nevertheless, he does not want to divorce me. We exist together on the same living space, like in a communal apartment, in which there is a fierce emotional cold and psychological discomfort (at least for me). I decided to file for divorce myself. And then my entourage - family and friends - screamed in one voice: “You will divorce him and you will remain alone for life. Now you will not find good men with fire during the day. And even more free. And yours is good and decent. And now, on the one hand, I am suffocated by the fear of being alone for the rest of my life, and on the other hand, by the fear of living my whole life in emotional and psychological discomfort. And I don't know what to do … (Lyalya, 37 years old)

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Myth: "A woman with a child has few chances to arrange a personal life."

Perhaps this myth is the biggest evil for insecure and unhappy women in marriage. It is because of him that women, wiping away their tears, endure tyrant husbands, drunken husbands, loser husbands and traitorous husbands. The fear of being left alone forever, with a child who “needs a father”, makes such women maintain the appearance of marriage. The main harm of this myth is the loss of time, or, figuratively speaking, the “loss of youth” around an unworthy man. For the most part, sooner or later, divorce still occurs, but the bitter residue of regret "for the years spent aimlessly" remains forever. Meanwhile, this myth is a devilish invention designed to make a woman fear divorce. In fact, there are no statistics that would indicate that divorced women with children are less likely than childless women to arrange their personal lives again. For your information, sociological studies show that a step-child is an obstacle in creating a family with a beloved woman only for 7% of previously unmarried and 5% of divorced men. And the rest agree to marry their beloved "complete" with children. Moreover, it is much easier for a man to become a loving father to a step-child than for a woman to fall in love with someone else's child. This is due to the fact that the roots of maternal and paternal love grow on different soil. The mother loves the child on a biological, subconscious level. For a man to develop fatherly feelings, he must be given the opportunity to take care of the child, communicate with him, and take care of him. This love is conditional, therefore it is easily "trained" in everyday life, in contrast to the mother's. A fairy tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it: remember how many evil stepmothers are in old fairy tales, and at the same time there are practically no evil stepfathers.

By the way, keep in mind that having a child is an excellent "filter" that filters out the majority of frivolous suitors. This saves a lot of time and emotions.

Are children an insurmountable obstacle?

I have been divorced for several years. From my first marriage, I have two wonderful and beloved children. For more than three years after the divorce, I did not meet with anyone, lived without thinking about it at all, studied, worked, raised children. Time passed, and I began to get out of my own shell. But something doesn't work out at all on my personal front. Started meeting with a work colleague. But he is married. And I do not want to get married, but I would like a normal relationship with a free man, I do not want to be a mistress. We broke up. I met at a flirting party (they are held in Moscow, for those who are over …) with an attractive man. First, he said that he was divorced and had two children. We started dating, a month passed, and he confessed to me that he was married. He says that everything is almost over there, but I know how it happens. I tried to get to know each other on the site, began to correspond, agreed to meet in a cafe with one man. He also wrote that he did not live with his wife. So at an introductory dinner, he admitted that he was also married. “With you,” he told me, “none of the free men will date. Who needs you with two children ?! But I don’t want to just hang around a man’s neck. I am financially independent, I have many friends and different interests, I have a favorite job and, most importantly, I have favorite children. But I want to find a loved one. Are my children really an insurmountable obstacle ?! (Maria, 33 years old)

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Myth: "All men are the same, there is no point in changing an awl for soap"

A common generalization error. We owe this myth to television, and then to the Internet. Reading numerous stories on women's forums, one can really come to the following conclusion: all men cheat, lie, hide income from their families, find “younger” … communities and comes to participate in questionable talk shows? That's right - those who have problems. It is not customary to share happiness with us. You won't go to a forum for hepatitis patients if you don't have one? And even if you go, you will not open the topic “And everything is fine with me. I am healthy! That's right, it would look like a mockery of the rest. But reading the messages of other people, you can easily make the false conclusion that there are much fewer healthy people than sick people. Does this correspond to reality? No. You just got into the social circle of people suffering from hepatitis, others do not communicate there, and this is the whole secret. On women's forums, the same effect is present: the longer you read other people's sad stories, the more you become convinced that “all men are cool …” And completely undeservedly equal millions of adult men about whom you know nothing.

Why, then, do so many women step on the same rake twice? Because they themselves choose these: over and over again from a variety of explicit and implicit options, modeling their own behavior according to the same scenario, they attract the same type of "bad guy". If a woman likes bastard men, that doesn't mean they are all like that. This means that she CHOOS those. And this is a topic for a completely different conversation, preferably one-on-one with a psychologist.

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Got pregnant from another rag guy

I am 38, I have a sixteen-year-old son who was raised alone (my father ran away when the child was not yet born), now I am pregnant with a man with whom I had a relationship, as they say, “without obligations,” he loves me very much, but I am not, but I can’t decide to have an abortion, now it’s 10 weeks, it’s still possible to make it, but my gut is against it, I want this child, but I don’t imagine my father in our common life, lovers are one thing, parents, family is another … me just hormonal changes make themselves felt, but even before pregnancy, I did not consider him as a spouse, generally did not consider a serious relationship with him. In addition, he does nothing so that I can be at least a little confident in him - no, he is not against the child, he will have this firstborn. He just doesn't work now, doesn't really think about where we will live, how and for what, he rents an apartment, but I don’t agree to live with me, I live in the same room with my son, and there is no way to turn around, in another - my mother … Perhaps my independence affects - I occupy a high position, all my life I rely only on myself, the men that I had were all rags, I could only rely on myself, and the father of my second child is no exception. I got confused. Maybe from the outside the situation does not look so terrifying, but now I don’t know what to do … (Valeria, 38 years old)

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Myth: "Divorce is a very difficult and painful process, which is difficult to decide on."

Yes, divorce is never easy. Whoever initiated it, at first it is difficult for both parties. You need to prepare yourself for this morally and treat what is happening philosophically: after all, in fact, this is just a short life stage, so short that a little time will pass, and it will become a small point on the map of your history. It's like a nasty cure for a protracted illness: you can refuse it, saying that you cannot swallow it, and thereby dooming yourself to many years of illness, or you can pinch your nose and take a sip. Perhaps at this moment it will become disgusting to nausea, but in a few days you will be healthy. A failed marriage is a disease that ruins the lives of both partners. Divorce is a cure. You can give it up for fear of experiencing the inevitable unpleasant moments, or you can “swallow” it and give yourself a chance for a new, healthy life.

How can you gain confidence in your decision to leave?

My problem is trivial. I grew up in a family with an alcoholic parent. My father, when sober, very kind, caring person. He never punished me, never beat me. But when he drinks, he becomes disgusting, gets tired of talking, yells, swears, morally terrorizes … I married a man who drinks a little, and if he drinks, he behaves calmly and goes to bed. That was fine with me. He is caring, provides us with everything, me and the child. Loves us. We have been married for 1 year, before that we had known each other for two years. The child is 6 months old. Recently I started to notice that he smokes marijuana. There was a shock. Stoned, he is non-aggressive. On the contrary, in a good mood. But he cannot maintain a good mood without grass. Scandals began, he breaks down because of little things. He says, if I get divorced, he will take the child. I am very afraid of this. I love the child and I can't give him up. We decided to encode it, but I'm afraid it won't solve anything. The thought has ripened in my head to leave, I think how to get a job and find an apartment. The question is: how not to go back. My relatives will begin to say that I have ruined my family, he earns very well, loves the child, others live worse … Secondly, I am afraid to be left alone, who needs someone else's child. Thirdly, it is very easy for me to impose a sense of guilt, responsibility, duty. And fourthly, what if I alone cannot organize my life from scratch. How can you gain confidence in your decision to divorce? (Anna, 28 years old)

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Myth: "Loneliness is terrible, and a divorced woman is an outcast."

Do you remember the story about half a glass of water? For some it is half empty, for others it is half full. For one woman, divorce is followed by loneliness. For the other, freedom. One woman becomes isolated on her problems, everyday life, children, continues to "run in circles", adjusted for the absence of her husband. Another begins to realize something for which she had neither the strength nor the time in marriage. One regrets herself and her past, looking for support and consolation in the conversations of her friends (who once get bored with all this and they begin to tactfully, but purposefully move away from the unfortunate divorced girlfriend). The other puts the past in the archive, makes new acquaintances, a new hobby, prettier, which surprises others and even girlfriends a lot. What is the secret of such a different approach to life after divorce? The answer is simple: the secret is hidden in love.

A modern woman is quite capable of living without the love of a man. But without self-love, she is doomed. And it is this love that is most difficult to give. But only she can start the process of "regeneration", the revival of a woman from the ashes on the ruins of an unsuccessful marriage.

Poverty, hopelessness and loneliness await me …

We have been married for 12 years. When I got married, I was already graduating from university, and my husband had an ordinary working profession. For a long time he worked in a boring, uninteresting job and was constantly unhappy with this. But he also did nothing to change something. I sometimes persuaded, then scandals, but forced him to learn. And, apparently, she paved her way to hell. For a year now he has been working in his chosen specialty and continues to study. He likes everything very much, he literally "flies". He is almost never at home. And when he is at home, his mobile practically never stops. A few months ago, it was like a wall rose between us. I tried to find out what was the matter, but my husband was silent for a long time. And more recently he admitted that he loved another, that he had only trust and affection for me. And now he wants to rent an apartment and leave. I'm shocked! And I was overwhelmed by fear. Lately, I have not had much luck with work and income. My husband is doing well with this, thank God. I understand that if he leaves, then I will be left all alone. We have no children (my health does not allow me to give birth, and there is simply no money for adoption: we have it very expensive), there are no normal incomes now (and it is not known when they will be). Life is brightened by a hobby and a cat. I understand that I need to let my husband go. My question is this: how to cope with feelings of hopelessness, fear of loneliness and fear of poverty? (Alena, 35 years old)

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