Pseudo-friendship: how to determine who is not really your friend

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

It happens that you are friends with a person for many years, devote a lot of time to him, share secrets, let him into your house, but you constantly experience some kind of discomfort that you cannot even explain to yourself. Everything seems to be fine: he (or she) calls you his friend and is even ready to help at the first call, but sometimes you want to run away from him, not call, not meet, and generally pretend that you do not know each other. These are all signals that, perhaps, the person you used to think of as a friend is just a pseudo friend. Simply put, not real.

It would seem, what kind of person in a sober mind and sound memory would communicate with another for years if he does not feel at least the slightest affection for him? That's right, none. But attachment can be different: friendship in an ideal representation implies that neither one nor the other is looking for benefits from communicating with a friend, have no selfish motives, and for pseudo-friendship it is enough to "settle down comfortably", receive from a person what you need, and proudly call yourself his friend. Also a kind of affection.

People like parasites literally merge with us, pull certain emotions out of us, assert themselves at our expense, spend time with us when they are bored, but are not real friends.

And we still do not want to admit this to ourselves, even if we feel that something is wrong. We find justification for certain actions, we console ourselves that “no one is without sin,” we are afraid of offending a person and tolerate, while the so-called friend takes advantage of our inability to separate the wheat from the chaff, namely, friendship from pseudo-friendship. Plus, we are afraid of loneliness, and therefore we suppress the discomfort that arises when communicating with this or that person, so as not to push him away from ourselves and not be left alone.

Take a look, perhaps, there is someone in your environment whom you mistakenly believe to be a close person, sincerely treating you. There are a number of signs that will help you determine which of your friends is not real.

IN JOY, but NOT IN THE MOUNTAIN

A true friend or girlfriend is almost a spouse who, ideally, should be next to you in sorrow and in joy, support and help in difficult situations. However, if the one whom you consider to be a close person is such only when you feel good, and in difficult situations disappears somewhere, then you should think about whether this is a friend? It turns out such a kind of "weekend dad": how to have fun and have fun - he is right there, but how to support and help - there are a lot of things to do, problems and in general: "I would be glad to be around now, but you understand, I have a hamster got sick."

Demonstration of your own superiority

A pseudo-friend who only needs constant confirmation from you that he is much better in all respects will curl around, day after day lowering your self-esteem.

Someone who is truly a friend, not only showing his superiority, he will not even compete with you. And a pseudo-friend who only needs constant confirmation from you that he is much better in all respects will continue to curl around, day after day lowering your self-esteem. Perhaps you yourself have not noticed how you let such a person into your soul, how you allow yourself to be criticized, how you wait for his approval, when you say or do something, how you try to equal him and feel yourself against his background, to put it mildly, unprepossessing … Be that as it may, but such communication does not make you happy, so either work on your self-esteem, or break the unnecessary connection. Although the latter does not make sense without the first one: it is highly likely that with your next “friend” you will repeat the same scenario.

Their desire is the law, yours is a whim

Some pseudo-friends completely disregard your opinion and only do as they want, even if it concerns both of you.

Some pseudo-friends completely disregard your opinion and only do as they want, even if it concerns both of you. "Friend" for going to a coffee shop, and you dream of having a normal meal? It doesn't matter if you go to the coffee shop, because he will still find the words that will convince you to have a cup of coffee. As for a full dinner … Well, nothing, then somehow. Your desires are seen solely as a whim, which means they can be moved, making room for what is "really important." If you notice how every now and then you act on your own “want” and “must” in the name of another person’s “want”, and he, in turn, does not even think at least sometimes to yield to you, then most likely this person is a pseudo-friend.

Keep promises? No, I have not heard

You asked a friend to meet you at the station, because you are carrying a lot of things with you, and there is no one else to turn to. The friend promised on oath that he would certainly be on the platform at the right time, but … he forgot and did not come. Is this the norm for your relationship? Then take your time to call this person a friend. Perhaps, of course, he has problems with memory, but in this case, he should also forget everything that you promise him. Otherwise, he simply uses you, not wanting to give anything in return. The danger of communicating with such an unnecessary person is that you will assume that there are no people around at all to rely on. But this is not at all the case. So is it worth taking offense at the whole world because of one pseudo-friend?

Natalya Crayer, an expert and consultant psychologist, comments:

In each of us lives a small child who is waiting for the big Other to come into his life and satisfy all his desires, visible and invisible. And then a meeting really happens, and you, filled with expectations, enter into a relationship. And if that Other fulfilled our desire, thereby testifying to his definite attitude towards us, we experience pleasure. And if I didn’t guess, if at that time I was busy with myself, I didn’t know, I didn’t hear, then we begin to experience unpleasant feelings. So it is in friendship: it is important to be able to maintain balance in relationships, you must be able to both take and give.