And the eternal battle - we only dream about peace

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Someone wise - for sure, he was from the East, where they know a lot about Love and Family - said that in the house you need to hang many mirrors in order to be able to observe yourself in various situations. In fact, it is sometimes helpful to see yourself from the outside, especially if your face is contorted with anger …

Once all the spouses ask themselves the question: how did it happen that the feeling of flying over the world was replaced by routine, why an innocent dispute ends not with assurances of eternal love, but with heavy silence? After all, most of us are sure that it is they who will find the solution to all problems, that it is with them that what happens in all familiar families will never happen - there will be no quarrels, misunderstanding, alienation, resentment.

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There are conflicts …

Household. Getting married, people already have certain everyday habits, and in many respects these habits are associated with the way of life of their family. Needless to say, family lifestyles are different! For example, in your family it was customary to keep order on a daily basis, avoiding the need for emergency measures, and your husband sincerely believes that you can do a good job twice a month, since his parents have been traveling on business trips all their lives, and they did not succeed in cleaning more often. … Everyone knows about the classic cases of "who takes out the trash" and "how to squeeze out toothpaste" - but there is some truth in every joke.

It happens that the rules of the parental home are so inconsistent with your character that you say to yourself: "It will be different in my family!" One girl, let's call her Lena, hated her father's order of washing dishes right after a meal so much that she said to herself: "When I get married, I will wash the dishes only when I want - even if she stands in the sink for a night!" Only Lenin's husband reacted very disapprovingly to this state of affairs. Having looked sideways several times at the pile of plates in the sink, he issued: "You know, dear, I am terribly annoyed by unwashed dishes!" It is good that this family had enough sense of humor to assess the situation and find a compromise solution - the dishes can be washed in the evening by those who come home from work earlier, and later buy a dishwasher.

Situations are not uncommon when spouses are not ready to deviate from the classic stereotype of family roles: the wife should be a good housewife, and the husband should have "golden hands". After the first incident in the form of burnt eggs or a hopelessly spoiled water tap, the stereotype is called into question. Meanwhile, the husband wants to eat tasty food, and his wife is ashamed to call the housing office for any reason … And both sincerely do not understand what is difficult in learning how to cook borscht (to hang a shelf).

Financial. Family budgeting is, of course, more difficult in the case of low income. However, practice shows that financial conflicts exist in any family. Both the purchase of a car and a vacuum cleaner can become the subject of a dispute. The controversy is the question of how to buy groceries: once a week, twice, or a little every day. Finally, should spouses have only a common budget, or do they each have personal funds, of which a certain amount is contributed "to the household"?

Financial disputes are dangerous because if you do not want to understand your partner's position, you may get a deceptive impression about his stinginess, greed, or, conversely, extravagance (however, like he has about you). While your disagreements are again nothing more than a consequence of different initial patterns of behavior.

A reasonable solution to the problem would be to try (at least for some time) to keep track of the money spent. Naturally, this should not become another reason for reproaches (I spent half as much), but only a subject for discussion and the choice of the optimal housekeeping scheme.

In most cases, conflicts that relate to the time of the beginning of family life, to the period of "grinding" spouses to each other, are "open" in nature - these are disputes, certain reproaches, but also the solution of the problem. It is more difficult when "hidden" conflicts already exist in your family - there are no obvious quarrels, but there is no solution either. The question hangs in the air, the topic remains open, and such mutual grievances tend to accumulate. And sooner or later they become weapons in a new conflict. "Who will remember the old …" - and this is exactly what we do in our family life!

“How it hurt,” Irina recalls, “when one day, tired of endless quarrels and offenses, in the heat of anger I announced my decision to divorce, backing it up with a fair list of my claims! And my husband looked at me very carefully and asked sadly: “And you really don’t remember anything good at all?” I then broke off and thought - and indeed, in his eyes I look exactly like that!

Psychologists advise not to dwell on the problem that has arisen, not to try to immediately start a showdown, but to take at least a little time-out, first think about what you are going to say, what words you will choose, what you ultimately want to achieve: a solution to the problem or an affirmation in their own right? But victory in any conflict at the same time means the defeat of your loved one …

Conflicts tend to occur in families where there is no clear leadership of one of the spouses.

I asked several of my acquaintances about this, and I got the following list:

Well, doesn't this also apply to you? Aren't these the same sharp corners that more than one family boat crashed against? Forewarned means armed, and when you sort things out the next time, do not forget that you can hurt a person very much.

Exclude from your vocabulary the expressions "All people … and you!", "I told you a thousand times", "You are the same as your parents" and other similar phrases. Remember - you have the right to demand the same from your partner. And if you have tenderness and respect for each other in your family, all problems will be solvable.

Probably, it will not be a discovery for anyone that conflicts within the family traumatize the psyche of each partner. But such quarrels often excite both children and parents and relatives who are worried about the family. And those around them often turn out to be dependent on such relationships - after all, the thoughts of the quarreling partners now and then return to what happened. And the work falls out of hand, and you don't want to keep the conversation going … No wonder the first question that arises when you see a person in a bad mood is the same for most people: "Have you quarreled with your wife (husband)?"

So what if conflicts are inevitable? Just in no case try to look like a cynic and indulge in hackneyed arguments about the meaninglessness of the institution of marriage! You need to learn to find compromises. Ultimately, you communicate with many completely different people every day, but you hardly allow yourself the luxury of quarreling with at least a third of them. So why doesn't the thought of the insult of the person closest to you stop you? Learn to forgive, learn to be restrained in language (no matter how difficult it may sometimes seem), learn not only to talk, but also to listen to another. And if there is Love in your heart, it will turn out to be quite simple!

… And it is also good to hang a lot of mirrors in the house.