What to do if you are smart, beautiful and not married

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

If you are a little over 30 (or so) and everyone around you managed to get you with questions about the "prince", and the "prince" still does not come, do not despair. We will tell you where he is "stuck", why you don't meet him and how to conquer him when the meeting does take place.

What do you think a smart and beautiful girl should achieve by the age of 30? You probably thought about education and some kind of success in your career, but believe me - in the opinion of others, this is all wrong. They are sure that by the age of 30, a girl should do the main thing - to marry successfully (or whatever). And if it didn’t come out, then “they don’t take it”. And here you are, not having time to go to the registry office by the time you are 30, or at least meet your "mate on the hike", you begin to feel like some kind of low-quality, inferior.

123RF / Antonio Guillem “What's wrong with me? Need to lose weight? Grow your hair? Or maybe I'm already old for them and give them 18-year-olds? And my character is crappy, I grumble, I demand a lot …"

Stop! With this approach, nothing will work. We offer you to look at the problem from a different angle and sort things out together with a professional.

On April 20, a webinar with a popular psychologist and writer Yulia Sviyash took place at the School of Life. The topic of the webinar is “Smart, beautiful, single? How to conquer a strong man? Yulia tactfully, interestingly and using real life examples explained to the participants why after 25 years it is so difficult to meet a “man of dreams”. It turns out that the difficulties in finding a partner at this age are understandable.

Why is it more difficult for a girl to get married after 25 years?

Remember your first novel: everything is candy, chocolate and floral. Butterflies in the stomach, love in the eyes, but in the head there is only "this is it!" Perhaps the second novel was the same, and the third … But sooner or later you get tired of making mistakes. Negative experience hurts too much self-esteem, the ability to trust.

And this first reasonwhy it is so difficult for girls to get married by the age of 30: we are unconsciously building our own security system, which now extremely tightly filters everyone who approaches us. We become more selective, we turn into detectives who investigate - fit or not, hurt, greedy, honest or liar, etc.

The second reason loneliness after 25 - the emergence of a "flight control center" in the place where hormones used to play. Simply put, we start thinking. An unconscious desire to protect yourself from failure is intertwined with the ability to sensibly assess who is in front of you - a man worthy of attention, or someone from whom it is better to stay away. We are no longer ready to "eat" anyway. And the position “let him be inferior, but his own” does not suit us.

Third reason - we begin to doubt ourselves. Society presses: “When will you get married?”, And we think: “Indeed - why am I not married yet? Is there something wrong with me? You know - just give a woman the freedom to delve into herself, and she will instantly find a ton of flaws. And the nose is not like that, and the waist is not wasp, and the hair is not thick, and she cooks poorly, and in general - how else does the Earth wear? If Baron Munchausen pulled himself out of the swamp by his hair, then we strenuously drown ourselves.

AND fourth reason - we begin to doubt men. Someone is sure that there are no normal ones left, others think that all normal people are married, and still others believe that men do not want to get married at all. In general, sheer despair, it remains only to go to the monastery!

What does all this lead to?

To the fact that under the pressure of society and, frankly, stupid stereotypes, we still set ourselves up for "getting married." As a rule, no one understands internal barriers. We are just sure that we need a registry office, period! As if this is a measure of a woman's success in life.

And then a struggle unfolds: the soul still remembers the negative experience, it is afraid of pain and does not want disappointment, and the head lives its own life. She needs to be like all "normal". And then a game called "I want you to please" begins.

Yulia Sviyash is sure that it is impossible to be yourself, trying to please someone. And this is exactly what a girl who desperately wants to get married does. She begins to adjust her image to the imposed standards, to demand too much of herself: “a drama club, a photo circle …” She wants to be an ideal hostess, a mistress, a beauty, and a clever girl.

But all this has nothing to do with true happiness. These are frames and boundaries that cannot be crossed, otherwise - "loneliness and 40 cats." And only a man can fall in love with a happy woman who sincerely loves herself and does not try to remake herself.

It turns out a vicious circle: we want to please, because we are sure that we are not needed by anyone - we try too hard - we don’t like us. In the end, we get disappointed and "marry" the job, the freedom to which we are so accustomed, and even our own problems. With the latter, by the way, it is very convenient - they are always there, it takes a lot of time to solve them. The illusion of employment is created, and loneliness is remembered less and less often.

How to get out of the vicious circle straight into the arms of the betrothed?

Of course, in words everything is easier than in deeds, but the first thing you should do is to establish a relationship with yourself. You can't forbid yourself to feel. Fearfully? Be afraid. Is it a shame? Cry. Good? Laugh and enjoy the moment. Need help? Ask!

Yulia Sviyash is sure: a woman's strength lies in her weakness. In the recognition that she needs male protection, male protection. "Chapaev with a sword bald" is unlikely to cause a desire to protect him from life's difficulties. You can be as sure as you like that you will cope with all the hardships on your own, but you just have to admit that it is much easier to cope with male help, and this help will appear. And with her and the man, of course.

And most importantly, allow yourself to be imperfect! Understand that your self-esteem and inner happiness do not depend on whether you are married or not. You can be an accomplished person, even if you fall asleep and wake up alone. The main thing is that you feel good with yourself.

Of course, these are not all the questions that were discussed at the webinar “Smart, beautiful, not married? Than to conquer a strong man. Yulia Sviyash, with her inherent ability to address the unconscious and remove deep anxiety, helped the girls understand what internal barriers prevent them from finding family happiness, and figure out what they really want from life at the moment.

You can also get to know Yulia in the framework of the Kleo project "Start a New Life". The psychologist helps the participant Natalia gain self-confidence and accept the changes in her life. Thanks to her support, Natalia is confidently moving towards her dreams.