Is mom friend or foe?

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

"Here I will take and dye my hair green!" - this is my challenge, resentment, cry from the heart, desire to independently decide everything that concerns me and only me. “Do what you want … But only when you live separately,” is my mother's answer.

"Fathers and Sons" is a topic with the past, relevant in the present and moving into the future.

“When you have children of your own, then you will understand me…” - this is already my mother’s resentment…

And I do not want then, I want now, I want to understand and change the situation, I want to be understood and accepted as an independent person in me, I want to have less mutual grudges.

I think that something similar happened or is in your life, which is why I share the results of my search for an answer to the question: "Is mom friend or foe?"

The enemy … It seems so at the first moment, when the insult and annoyance speaks inside. Well, how can she not understand that now the earring in the navel is fashionable, stylish … This is my navel … I don't force her to make such a decoration for myself. Why does she forbid me to do what I want with my navel ??? As if she was not young herself …

But the offense passes, and then I think about the fact that my mother cannot be an enemy … She always wished me well, always cared about me. And her opposition, perhaps, is also a concern that I did not understand. For her, an earring in a navel is indecent, defiant. She wants to shield me from the reaction of others to this challenge. She wishes me well as always. But what can be done? How to find a solution, a compromise?

There are two leaves in front of me.

One says: “ I am in my place .

I am writing my claims, grievances, discontent.

Then I take the second sheet " I'm in my mother's place ".

For each item in my piece of paper, I write an item in my mother's, and I try not to forget that my mother "pushes off" from her care, guardianship, responsibility for me. It does not matter to her how old I am, what my salary is, it is difficult for her to understand that I myself am already a good mother. I will always be a daughter for her, as she is for her mother. I put myself in my mom's shoes. I am trying to understand why she is against one or another of my wishes, why she limits me in certain actions.

For example, she wants me to show up at home no later than 12. It turns out that I do not get to the disco or to the cinema for the last session. Yes, and just from a party with a friend or in my own team, I should break off about 11, because … But it's even funny to tell anyone why … No one will believe and understand that I am so adult and independent, and that I am not only for myself, but also for friends, colleagues, my mother is waiting no later than 12 … All this I write in "my" sheet …

I take the "mother's" sheet. Every day they broadcast about robberies, rapes, murders. You can still safely get to 12 by the metro, there are still people who return home at this time and the streets are not as deserted and dangerous as, say, it will be in an hour or an hour and a half. At this time, you can still do without a guide and there is no need to catch a passing car, which is completely unsafe in our time …

It turns out that not only me, but also my mother is right. But what about such different correctness?

If to be in my opinion, then my innocence excludes my mother. And if I obey, then my righteousness will come to an immediate end. Again I was deprived of my independence and subordinated to myself. Conflict…

To avoid conflict, I decide to look for a compromise: I go with my leaves to my mother. First I give her a piece of paper "I'm in my mother's place." She reads and realizes that I understand her care and guardianship, that I agree with her - this is the main thing. Then I slip my sheet of paper. I'm right too. It is obvious. But where is the exit?

This is where the third sheet comes in handy, which also needs to be prepared in advance. In it, I write the solution that, in my opinion, is the most optimal in this situation.

For example: I myself decide when I return home, but I promise to definitely warn my mother about what time I will be, and if I am late, I will definitely inform you additionally. I also promise to let you know where and with whom I will be, so that she does not worry about me. Scientific and technological progress contributes to the solution of the problem in the form of my mobile phone. Mom knows that she can always call me and make sure that I am alive and well. She, in turn, can add to this piece of paper what she considers necessary to reach an agreement.

Everything is possible and solvable, the issue is open and is being discussed on the agenda. Each defends his position, gives arguments. Difficult, but this path will lead not to conflict, but to a reasonable compromise. If she says no, I ask why? If I resist, then I must look for arguments in my favor. I ask her to take my place, but I myself do not forget about her position.

Further, in my opinion, the most interesting thing. When a solution has been found and we have reached a compromise, I announce that this is a bilateral agreement, i.e. within such a framework, we act mutually. I am also worried and worried about my mom, so I must be informed about her location and arrival time. As you know, you can ask and demand from another person only what you correspond to yourself. Both me and her are quite satisfied with such an agreement - a mutually beneficial agreement.

I am sure that a similar scheme can be applied in solving other conflict issues. There are no hopeless situations; he who seeks will always find.

Not all problems can be solved in this way, the main thing is to look for solutions. It can be difficult to understand the position of another person, to assess the motives that drive certain actions. But in our time, it is easy to get knowledge of the basics of psychology from public literature and the Internet. Even an expensive consultation with a family psychologist can now be obtained free of charge using the on-line consultation system.

So why bend sticks and break spears, challenge and harbor grievances, when a reasonable person has the opportunity to use his mind for good, and not for the sake of destroying family relationships? People are different, and a scheme that suits my self-reliance in my family may not work for you. But I am sure that by answering the main question "Friend or foe?", You will find a way to solve the problem - war or compromise.