Daughters vs. mothers: who owes whom? Real stories

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

One of my acquaintances (let's call her Emma), a creative and impulsive nature, has not spoken to her own mother for almost three years. The reason for this is the scandal that once Larisa Lvovna firmly defended her own position regarding her daughter's future profession and forced Emma to enter the Faculty of Economics of Moscow State University, and not to GITIS, as she planned. It would seem that a mere trifle, but the daughter still could not forget it, and the resentment only grew over the years.

The problem of fathers and children is as old as the world. It is interesting that the same conflict situations take place in completely different families, their plots are painfully familiar, and the result is usually the same - misunderstanding, tears, mutual alienation, pain, and sometimes a complete lack of desire to communicate in the future. So who is right and who is wrong? Who owes what and to whom? Should I? Let's try to figure it out.

"Immoral" widower

Everyone could envy the relations within the Olesya family - they were so reverent and tender. Everything changed when her mother died in a car accident. At first, the daughter was most worried about how dad would cope with loss and loneliness. Fortunately, over time, he began to establish relationships with the opposite sex. But Olesya suddenly sharply opposed this. She threw tantrums to her father, reproached him for not honoring the memory of his mother, in fact, accusing him of adultery. The dejected widower made several attempts to convey to his daughter her wrong, but soon gave up this venture, and the embittered "moralist" continues to visit him to this day to conduct educational conversations.

Who is guilty? It is extremely difficult to survive the death of a loved one. Especially if it is one of the parents, and the relationship between them was so close that the two were perceived as one. However, it is important to understand that the death of a spouse does not imply seclusion, taking vows and thinking that life is over. Those around them, and even more so their own children, have no right to demand this. It is more human and wiser to support a partner who is left alone, and do everything so that he can return to a full life in the shortest possible time and establish relationships with the opposite sex.

Read also

Psychology | 07.07.2014 Fathers and children: under the same roof with elderly relatives

Mom is the commander-in-chief

Let's go back to Emma's story. She nevertheless entered GITIS, having previously graduated from the Faculty of Economics of Moscow State University with honors, as Larisa Lvovna longed for. Last month I was drinking valerian and wringing my hands from despair, eventually resigned to the choice of my daughter. Mom, although she lost her position, apparently still expects to win back, continuing to make decisions without hesitation not only for Emma, but also for her husband. So, for example, at her suggestion, the couple went on a summer vacation to Turkey, and not to Italy, as originally planned, they bought an apartment 18 km from the Moscow Ring Road, and not in Moscow, as Emma's husband wanted. According to Larisa Lvovna, you need to have a budget vacation, and the proximity to the center should be exchanged for a larger area. Otherwise, where will the grandchildren frolic? After all, Emma's mother has already decided for everyone that there will be at least two of them and they will appear very soon.

Who is to blame? You can hardly argue with the fact that parents have much more life experience. With enviable constancy, we come across characters like Larisa Lvovna, who are firmly convinced of their own righteousness and consider their opinion to be the only correct one. Only they know for sure which university to enter, how to properly bathe a child and whom to marry. Sadly, parents do not always understand that their interference in the lives of children is permissible and natural only to a reasonable degree. The sooner both parties understand this, the sooner equal and respectful relations will develop between them.

"I'm not guilty!"

Have you ever known people who had an amazing ability to find reasons to blame everyone and everything around in their own uncomplicated life? Meet Irina - a bright representative of this type. Especially her mother got it - a woman of the Soviet era, honest and overly correct in many ways. One can only wonder how Irina managed to make dubious acquaintances with enviable constancy, to marry the wrong men, to turn the whole team against herself in the shortest possible time at each new place of work and safely quit. Amazingly, she was firmly convinced that she twice married absolute tyrants only because her mother was married to her father, being completely unloved by him, and thus unconsciously pushed Irina to a similar relationship. She also blamed her mother for the inability to establish contact with colleagues. After all, due to financial difficulties in the family at school, she was an outsider and often became the object of ridicule of her classmates. The mother's tears in no way bother her daughter, who year after year persistently continues her accusations in the same spirit.

Who is to blame? Unfortunately, the life of parents is not always the standard to be followed. But do children have the moral right to blame their parents for their own troubles? Of course not. Most parents in their actions are guided only by good intentions. They are strict and conservative in order to protect us from irreparable mistakes and bad influence, and sacrifice their own feelings and pride in order to save the family and not injure children by divorce. Few of them think that there is a downside to this behavior. However, a person is himself the blacksmith of his own happiness, maybe, before throwing accusations at his parents, it is worth taking a closer look at himself?

Generous daddy

Marina was lucky to be born in a fairly wealthy family - the girl was never denied anything. When the time came for marriage, her choice fell on her work colleague, Oleg. Marina's parents also liked him, because he combined the qualities that his predecessors lacked so much: tall and stately, young and promising, loving crested Mexican dogs and professing Christianity. Being wealthy people, Marina's parents considered it their duty to help the newlyweds in everything: they bought them an apartment and a car, paid for the wedding celebration, and then sent them on a trip. When Oleg and Marina began to have financial difficulties, they were not at all opposed to material support from their parents. One can imagine the surprise of the spouses when, after a year of generous sponsorship, they were told that Oleg would still have to go to work and provide for his family himself. Marina quarreled with her parents to smithereens, considering them greedy and insensitive. Parents made several attempts at reconciliation, but so far things are still there.

Who is guilty? In attempts to protect children from solving problems that naturally arise in their life path, which, in the opinion of parents, may turn out to be unbearable for those who do not yet have the proper life experience, parental care sometimes goes beyond all boundaries. No wonder there is a saying - "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." In Marina's story, her husband actually refused to fulfill his obligations to provide for his wife and child, and her parents, without realizing it, only exacerbated the situation, financially helping the family, whose breadwinner did not hesitate to relieve himself of any responsibility.

Read also

Psychology | 2017-24-03 Likes and jealousy: stories from life

From heaven - to earth

Svetlana left her father's house early, following her husband to a foreign land, where he stubbornly amassed family capital, working without days off and holidays. Left to herself, she was completely mired in caring for home and children. A real outlet for Svetlana was trips home, where her parents were happy to look after their grandchildren. Going to them again, Svetlana could not imagine what a surprise awaited her. Mom said from the doorway that in a couple of days she and dad were leaving for the dacha, the happy owners of which had recently become. A real scandal erupted between parents and daughter, because Svetlana's dreams of how she would go to restaurants with her friends and tighten her figure in the gym were not destined to come true. The daughter especially noted how worthless grandparents turned out to be. In anger, she completely forgot that for two years she constantly came to them, and only the lost figure reminded that she had children - she was so unencumbered by them. Nevertheless, already on this visit, Svetlana had to come to terms with the fact that her parents also have their own interests and needs.

Who is to blame? Loving your own children does not mean sacrificing your life to them. It should always be remembered that there may come a time when parents finally think that the child has grown up, and rightfully allow themselves to enjoy life. Was it worth Svetlana to take offense at loved ones just because they once again did not consider her interests paramount? Of course not. Should grandparents unquestioningly look after their grandchildren, perceiving this as their direct responsibility? And again, no. No matter how hard it is, tired mothers and fathers can only count on voluntary help from their parents, but not demand it.

Who are the judges?

Of course, conflicts with close relatives should be avoided in every possible way. If it so happens that your relationship with your parents still deteriorates, think carefully about whose fault it is. You have to honestly answer yourself some questions, and no one can guarantee that the answers will satisfy you. Are all claims made to parents really justified? Have you gone too far in your accusations? Are you, in turn, the very “dream daughter” that you can only admire? Alas, at times we are not too smart and quick-tempered, overly proud and sharp-tongued, and in stubbornness we can give a hundred points ahead to the oldest ram. Nevertheless, only we are responsible for our decisions, words and actions, and it is worth more balanced approach to the issue of relationships with loved ones, being aware of what we say and do. Whether we like it or not, in 90% of cases, children adopt both the best and worst traits of their parents. Therefore, the next time you accuse the Pope of being hot, while waving your arms and foaming at your mouth, you do not need to convince yourself with all your might that you are calm, like a Tibetan monk at morning prayer.

PARENTS AND CHILDREN NEED:

• Respect each other's personal time, interests and views.
• Understand that besides you, in the life of children / parents there are a lot of things and people, just as important as you, that require attention and time.
• It is unobtrusive to be aware of what is happening in each other's life.
• Regardless of how strong the conflict has gone, being aware that parents / children are one of the closest people to you, and resentment for many years is the worst way out.
• Support each other in difficult life situations (and not so much), as far as possible and within the framework of common sense.

Parents / children are some of the closest people to you, and resentment for many years is the worst way out.

PARENTS AND CHILDREN SHOULD NOT:

• Blame each other for their own failures, uncomplicated personal life and career.
• Believing that you have some special obligations towards each other (love and respect do not count).
• Criticize or question the choice of children / parents and their interests (this also applies to the choice of a partner).
• Forget about the important role you play in each other's lives.
• It is a mistake to believe that everything around should be done to please your desires.
• Insult each other and put pressure on forbidden "pain points" under no circumstances (hot temperament and quick temper are not an excuse for this).