I'm a bad mother ?

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

“Before you have a child, think about whether you will have time for it,” say the wise Japanese. Alas, millions of parents are deprived of the wisdom of the inhabitants of the Land of the Rising Sun and do not think about it - they simply do not have time for it. A child is undoubtedly an important constant, but … Today is important negotiations, tomorrow is a business meeting that cannot be rescheduled. The day after tomorrow, the working day stretched out for 20 hours, and after that you need to give your body time to sleep and come to its senses - there is no time for games, entertainment and walks. In everyday running, rush and time trouble, no-no, and a crazy thought will come to mind: “A child grows up without parents! I'm a bad mother!"

It's easier not to think and not give yourself an account of what we are doing - we have no time! After all, in the end, the child is at home, fed and watered, he is looked after and looked after by grandmothers and nannies, on whom we earn money. The baby has the best toys, and every whim is fulfilled instantly. So is our conscience clear? If! The complex of parental guilt has not been canceled. The solution comes simple and obvious: no time for a child? Buy him another expensive toy. As a result, the conscience, together with the child, receives a bribe and becomes silent for a while. And again you ask yourself the question: I'm a bad mother?"

Toy as a measure of love

“Working parents, feeling guilty about the lack of time for a child, simply pay off from him,” says psychotherapist Artem Tolokonin. - I had a client who bought an expensive toy for her daughter with every salary. The daughter has long begun to take gifts for granted, without any signs of gratitude, and her "thank you" sounds like "leave me alone." In addition, my mother, tormented by the same feeling of guilt, forgave her any pranks: "The child does not see me anyway, well, I will also scold her." By the age of seven, the girl turned into a completely spoiled and uncontrollable child who sits on the neck of the whole family. It took about a year of work with a psychotherapist to improve family relationships and save my mother from manic workaholism."

“Of course, it’s easier to buy off gifts or to indulge children than to really share your warmth with them,” says psychotherapist Artem Tolokonin. - But to achieve spiritual intimacy with the child in this way still will not succeed.

You need to build relationships with a small person, but you need to consult with a specialist, or even better, directly in the psychotherapist's office."

The Importance of Listening and Hearing

It is impossible to decompose into its components such a complex concept as instinct. For many mothers, the main thing in raising a child is often to be full, shod, dressed and study well. Other nonsense, like inner feelings, is not taken into account. A few years ago, I asked my work colleague a naive question: What kind of music does her fifth-grader son like to listen to? Her answer was short and simple: “How do I know? I have nothing else to do but listen to music with him? " Katya really has a lot of things to do: home, work, husband. With her son Andrey, she only had time to discuss the grades received and check the lessons learned. Chatting or playing with a child in her mind is just a waste of time. Alas, time has put everything in its place. Today Andrey is one of those who are called a difficult teenager. A long time ago, the first cigarette was smoked (now Katya herself gives out money for smoking), beer in the alley with friends alternates with stronger drinks. To all Katya's tears and requests to take up her mind, he harshly replies: "What right do you have to demand something from me?"

Psychotherapist Artem Tolokonin is sure: “This critical situation could have been avoided by correctly building the scheme of your relationship with the child. Nobody obliges you to quit your job and spend all your time with your child. This will only do harm, because the postulate that the child should be proud of you has not been canceled. 15-20 minutes spent playing and talking with the precious child has a truly magical power and can tie you to your best child in the world with a strong knot! If you don’t find those 15 minutes for games, then blame yourself”.

Recipe for dissatisfaction with yourself

According to medical statistics, “bad mother syndrome” is experienced by every second working mother. Fathers, on the other hand, see their role in raising a child in a purely utilitarian way: they are the earners of the “monetary mammoth” and the “golden calf”, and they have no time for “usi-pusi”. They earn money for good clothes, good toys and a good education, and give the tenderness of the calf to the women. And in vain: the father's participation in upbringing is also necessary! Then the "negligent" fathers are tormented by conscience no less, which leads to depression, conflict situations in the family, etc.

“It is easier for parents to spend crazy money on a child than to spend quite a bit of their precious time on him. The fashionable fad, when children and parents rest separately (children, as a rule, go to foreign resorts with their grandmothers or nannies), has come to the Russian expanses. Now parents and children do not meet even on vacation and on vacation. Even the traditional "parenting days" - weekends - are in jeopardy. Working parents put off so many things on Saturdays and Sundays that a walk with a child becomes a pipe dream. And this is a disaster for a child. He really wants to attract the attention of his parents, and he often begins to pretend to be sick at first, and then he really gets sick,”says psychotherapist Artem Tolokonin.

All complaints of parents that they do not have enough time for a child are no more than excuses. Psychotherapist Artem Tolokonin argues that the problem is not time trouble, but the inability to set priorities.

Most often, parents explain to their children that they are busy at work by the need to earn money. The welcome is certainly worthwhile. Even a very young child should know that everything in this world is earned by labor, that buying a new doll or car is possible precisely because the parents earned money for it. But it is also important for the baby to know that mom and dad care about him, think about him, love him and communicate with him. Even though during this communication they … tell him about their work, what they do there and even why the money that is earned with such difficulty. All this, as well as the fact that parents at least once a day are interested in the success of their child, gently hug and kiss, shows the offspring that he is a full member of this family, and not a toy thrown at a nanny or grandmother.