The union of a man and a woman is a work for which you need to be ready

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

They did not agree with the characters - a common formulation of the reasons for the collapse of the union of a man and a woman. What is behind it? Is an absolute coincidence of two individuals, characters possible? After all, a man and a woman, by the fact of belonging to their own family, are in different camps. Another question is whether they become adversaries or allies? Competitive or Equal?

- It all starts with what a man and a woman come into contact for, - believes psychologist Irina Vladimirovna Tolstosheina, with which our correspondent Alexander Samyshkin is talking.

- If a man and a woman come into contact for the sake of satisfying curiosity, then it is quite natural that each of the partners will not worry about the inner world and feelings of the other. Indeed, in such a situation, everyone is engaged in satisfying the needs of their own "I". If a person enters into marriage for the sake of continuing relationships and strengthening them, sees in another not only an object of satisfying his desires, he is interested in a partner as a person, there will be a completely different atmosphere.

"Dissimilarity of characters"

- I would not say that a man and a woman differ greatly in the perception of the same subject. Differences, perhaps, are in the speed of some reactions. Outbursts of emotions in women are practically not controlled; they prefer to speak openly about their emotions. This does not mean that men are not emotional. On the contrary, sometimes no less. But men prefer to keep these emotions inside themselves, since it has traditionally developed that "it is not a man's business to express emotions." Of course, emotional outbursts happen, but the cultural layer is already embedded in the male consciousness and the task before him is that, having experienced emotions in himself, he will give out a ready-made solution to the problem.

So, the task of both partners is to overcome these social norms and move to a situation of constructive discussion. Standing on one step, say to each other: "I am ready to solve this problem!" But more often something like the following happens: there was a conflict, maybe insignificant. The woman immediately throws out her emotions and takes on the role of the offended one. The man is thus given the role of the abuser. According to the logic of this game, he must ask for forgiveness. But when a person apologizes, his inner self begins to rebel. “Why should I apologize? - the man thinks, - I, too, was not to blame for everything! " And he will feel slighted after that. Next time, he will definitely remind you of this. That is, we accumulate in this state of affairs negative attitude towards each other. From omissions, from not voiced questions and claims to a partner.

Often people leave heart-to-heart conversations during the period of pre-family communication. We are accustomed to perceive at this moment everything from one side, for the love euphoria not to pay attention to any details. This is partly why there is a very high percentage of the breakdown of alliances in the first two years of marriage.

So, the first problem is the unwillingness to voice, talk about any questions that arise to the partner. In the future, it gives rise to another problem - the unwillingness to RIGHTLY evaluate the behavior of the partner. If the question was correctly asked in time - why did you do this and not otherwise? - there was no offense, no humiliation, no accumulated negative emotions. And when the negative emotional background has accumulated sufficiently, it looks like a snowball that suppresses us. At this moment, we remember all the grievances and claims to the partner, which were a year, two, three years ago. The very solution of the problem is thus postponed until the moment when it is no longer possible to solve it. And it all comes down to expressing your own emotions. At such moments, we no longer hear each other and just pour out the dirt. As a result, the collapse of the union and colossal stress …

- From the point of view of a professional psychologist, I would agree with that. A woman has a high intuitive psychologism in resolving acute problems. A woman is more active on a communicative level, she can start a discussion and compromise, she is more patient. The man, on the other hand, is impatient and, as a result, categorical.

In women, objectification is better: I discussed my problems with this friend, called my mother, told a colleague at work. And now she has a big picture. Additional “outside opinion” on this issue. And the woman chooses. Therefore, it may be easier for her.

- This applies only to those people who are very comfortable, that is, they adapt to someone else's opinion. Usually we listen to someone else's recommendation, but in the end we do as we see fit. However, the opinion of other people helps us to look at the problem from a different angle. Those who adapt to other people's opinions, I believe, are people who have big personality problems. They can't do anything with themselves. They are slaves to the opinions of others. Most people are not like that. Personal experience is still the leading one. Conversations with other people can also help relieve purely emotional stress. That is why it is necessary to talk, to tell, not to accumulate in oneself. Otherwise, aggression will begin to accumulate inside, which will require a purposeful exit to the outside. And if at such a moment there is another person nearby, a conflict situation may arise again. Aggression will begin to accumulate again and will require implementation. If the emotional heat is not released in time, aggression will accumulate endlessly.

- Irina Vladimirovna, it is often advised, in case of some reticence in relations with a partner, to sit down and calmly ask: “Has something happened? Am I doing something wrong? Let's talk!" But often in response you can hear: “Everything is fine. Nothing happens. Everything suits me! " But the feeling "that something is wrong" does not go away. How to be?

- Conflict itself is not necessarily a direct clash. The conflict has two phases. A conflict situation that can last for a very long time. When partners develop either a feeling of misunderstanding or a feeling of dissatisfaction with the partner or themselves in the relationship. This can be an appallingly long period, lasting months or even years. But an incident - a direct collision - in some cases there is a resolution of the conflict. People are afraid of this, but it is not right. Scientists of all countries of the world have long proved that conflict is a natural state of the evolutionary development of society. And in this case, one of the partners may simply not notice the looming conflict. From his point of view, really, nothing is happening yet. While the other is already in the mode of psychological discomfort. Or you need to look for reasons why the partner does not want to take part in the discussion. Maybe he is afraid of condemnation, or stripes of an even deeper conflict situation. And in this case, you need to show your partner that you are ready to understand him in any situation …

- Understanding plays an important role. Let's take an example. The man has lost his job. Feels uncomfortable in the family. The wife, as they say, begins to "saw". Like, why should I feed and support you? What happened? Was it really only this factor that united them in one territory? So, if the other understands that the partner cannot step over himself and go to work as a janitor from among the engineers, he feels himself a specialist who can be useful in this particular area, he will provide support.

- In other words, acceptance occurs through understanding …

- A person is a value, a personality. And it is from this position that you need to perceive the one with whom you are entering into an alliance. Understanding the other's world is, first of all, work for which you need to be ready.