When the present becomes the former

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Do you remember the movie Runaway Bride? The same story happened with one of my acquaintances. His bride fled right from under the aisle and, while the amazed audience came to their senses, trying to understand what had happened and what to do, she managed to get to the apartment where she had lived with her fiancé for a long time, hurriedly leaving her things in a suitcase and, not explaining the reasons, forever disappear from his life.

After that, the failed groom was tormented by the only question, which he, in turn, tormented all his friends and acquaintances with: "Why did she do everything exactly like that?" He could understand everything. The fact that she stopped loving, that she had someone else, that she found some good reason not to get married. He even, which happens very rarely, was sure that this reason lies in himself. He could not understand only why she hadn’t talked to him on the eve of the celebration, why hadn’t left at least a small note? Why did she run away exactly as if she hadn't spent three years together …

In life, really, anything can happen. After all, we often wishful thinking. More precisely, on the contrary - the real for the desired. Therefore, one fine moment you can wake up and realize that you are not living with the person you dreamed of since childhood, or understand that your life has come to a standstill and urgently, before it is too late, until you are completely drawn into hateful everyday life, you need to start all over again. In a word, you decide to tell your loved one that everything is over between you.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery said that "we are responsible for those we have tamed." Giving hope to someone, stretching out your hand, you really have no right to take it away at the last second, when this "someone" has almost reached your trembling fingers.

And sacrificing your whole life, dreams and aspirations for the sake of a person with whom fate accidentally pushed you, but who in your soul practically does not evoke any feelings, of course, a broad and beautiful gesture, but not the most correct one. After all, sooner or later, this person realizes the reality, and he will be much worse than if you told him everything at once. And two, or even more, destinies may already be broken.

But, when parting, we are simply obliged to soften the blow as much as possible, to dot the "i's" so that this person, albeit with pain in his soul, but with a calm heart, can step into a new life.

I spoke with many people, asking them to remember and analyze their most painful separation from their loved one.

This is what Marina told me, a prominent and confident girl. The story, of course, is banal, but the girl had enough experiences for three years. When Marina was seventeen, she fell dizzy in love. The chosen one seemed to reciprocate her, and they already had a very close relationship, Marina even began to think that her lover was about to propose to her when he suddenly disappeared. He did not answer calls, the windows of his apartment were dark in the evenings … She could not find him for a day, two, three … A week later she met him by chance - their conversation was "about nothing", and the next day she learned from a close friend, that her beloved abandoned her. He did not even bother to personally talk to Marina, and she was forced to look for the reasons for what had happened on her own, as a result of which she received even more injuries and scars, but she did not understand anything. As a result, for three long years she limited her relationships with men to official friendship, fearing to make this mysterious mistake again and to be unexpectedly abandoned.

“Olya and I had a wonderful relationship: a lot of common interests, from the very first day of our acquaintance we easily came to an understanding in any situation. But suddenly, for no reason at all, she decided to part with me,” says thirty-year-old Yuri. “Never I will not forget how she stood in front of me with a guilty look and mumbled about how good, smart, ideal I am in all respects, the dream of any woman, that the whole reason is in herself, worthless and ungrateful, that a wonderful fate awaits me, and she will remain at a broken trough and will cry at night, remembering me … I never felt so scolded. She again and again asked for forgiveness and insisted that only she was to blame, but I understood that everything was quite the opposite. the woman begins to make claims to herself (even regarding the fact that the color of the lipstick does not suit her), Yuri instantly begins to delve into herself. Self-criticism is, of course, wonderful. But what if there is nothing to fix?

There is one more polar case.

Anechka, a mischievous laughter, recalls with a shudder the departure of her first husband: "For the four years that we spent together, I have not heard a single reproach or complaint from Andrey. To all my questions he answered that he was satisfied with everything, and I "The most wonderful wife. As he left, he poured such a tub of reproaches on me! I wash the dishes poorly, and there is always grease on the back of the plates. I do not know how to iron shirts and iron the folds. And my soups are empty … This is the most harmless, what he told me. Whether he wanted me to feel worthless and worthless loser, I don't know, but he succeeded just fine! " Anya got rid of the kits for a year. Any, the most harmless remark, poured out for her in a psychoanalysis session.

Just sit down and discuss everything that is happening in a calm atmosphere. Without accusations and attempts to justify oneself and remain "all in white." If you didn't complain about anything all the time you were together, now accuse him of not taking you on a cruise in Italy, as promised, or never washing the dishes, even when he was not busy with anything., and you plowed like a draft horse, it will be, to put it mildly, not fair. Explanations like "life together is not for me" or "something is happening to me …" will look silly to say the least. In addition, your friend may also have complaints against you, and he has every right to express them at once, and not carry years in himself, over and over again reliving the moment of your separation and mentally dotting all the "i" s.

Finally, there is one more common problem.

Katya recalls her last boyfriend with indignation. "In general, we parted normally. It was unpleasant for me to feel abandoned, and I really liked Dimka, but we often argued and swore, so I made his decision to part. We had a lot of mutual friends, and we decided to behave in a civilized manner. Imagine my state of mind when, the very next day after the conversation, he called me and demanded to return all his gifts: a gold ring presented for six months of our acquaintance, a mobile phone that he gave me for my birthday, other little things. Dima loved to give me gifts, both small and large. I asked if I should return the underwear he had bought. To which he, having hesitated for a short time, apparently thinking, generously allowed him to keep it …"

Dima did not understand Katya's indignation, considering all these things to be his own. Katya, three months later, never returned them. Every time they see each other, they swear to the point of hoarseness, defending their rights to these things.

It is difficult to make out which of them is right and who is wrong.

In our society, it has historically developed that no matter who is the initiator of the rupture, all property, with the exception, perhaps, of little things, remains for a woman. Think about it in advance, especially if you lived together and you have accumulated a heap of things bought with common funds: a food processor, a computer, an expensive vase made of Chinese porcelain …

It is possible that your friend, with a sad sigh, will throw a change of linen and a toothbrush into his suitcase and leave into the night. But perhaps, feeling like an injured party, he will begin to scrupulously count the pennies. Just remember that he fully deserves, in legal terms, compensation for moral damages. For the fact that you, led by some of your goals, decided, against his wishes, to change his life.