Women's happiness: attempt # 2

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

According to statistics, 8 out of 10 married couples break up on the initiative of the weaker half. Cause? It is banal: over the past century women have become much more critical of the quality of marriage. They need more from family relationships, and they are no longer ready to put up with male vices. No wonder the first three places in the charts of reasons for divorce are occupied by "character mismatch", male alcoholism and adultery. “I endured, and you endure” - this motto, passed down from generation to generation from mother to daughter, is no longer in vogue. It's easier for a woman to divorce and try to rebuild her life. Moreover, if you believe all the same statistics, the younger the age of the divorced, the easier it is for her to marry again. Women themselves understand this intuitively, which is why they are increasingly choosing divorce as a form of clarifying family relations. Marriage has ceased to be a fortress. It has become a sports competition with multiple approaches to the "shell". The first attempt was unsuccessful - nothing, there is at least one more in stock …

Yes, any or almost any woman who has experienced a divorce, regardless of its reasons, wants to believe that she can become happy again in her personal life. “But for some reason, not everyone succeeds,” you say. It is true that becoming a real "phoenix" is not easy. Too often women set mental traps, which they themselves fall into.

Trap # 1: "No one is going to be as good as my ex."

There are no perfect people. Your wonderful husband left you for another - isn't that sufficient proof of his imperfection? You could not find a common language with him, and you broke up - isn't this evidence that he does not suit you? What is the use of an intellectual who speaks a lot and beautifully, but cannot sincerely express his feelings? What is the use of a wonderful sexual partner if he is so passionate about the process that he does not even notice in whose bed he is performing miracles? Or have you already forgotten that in addition to his "ideal" qualities, he also had those because of which you parted?

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The idealization of the ex-husband is a typical trap of a divorced woman, if the divorce did not take place on her initiative or she was “guilty” of breaking up the relationship. The bad is leveled, and the memory helpfully drives only pleasant memories of a happy family life. This is reminiscent of the groaning of immigrants in their distant homeland, from which they fled in search of a better life. To listen to them, there is no better place in the world than Motherland. But invite them to go there on an excursion, and after a day of staying there they will remember why, in fact, they became immigrants.

What should you do? If you have a tendency to idealize your ex, remind yourself that you divorced not because of a couple of his wonderful qualities, but because of everyone else. To move on, you need to let go of your past. Ideality is not something to strive for in a partner. Each person is beautiful with their individuality. Let your new partner be different and don't try to look for someone like the man you divorced.

I can't forget my ex-husband for three years

Three years ago I divorced my husband. He was from an oriental family. As a rule, in such families, the wife stays at home after the wedding, and the husband provides for her. I stayed at home for over three years and my lifestyle changed dramatically. Always being a bright, independent and self-confident girl, I used to lead an active lifestyle (work, friends, parties), and after marriage I turned into an overweight, fat, notorious and insecure woman. I want to start my life from a new leaf and again find a person with whom I will be happy. But the whole problem is that I constantly think about him, about my husband. About a person from my past. I generally cannot forget my past in any way. I felt very good with him, I really loved him, and, as it seemed to me, he also loved me, but then something went wrong, and he offered to leave. For me it was like a bolt from the blue. And now I don't know: should I continue to love him (I tried to start relationships with other guys, but as it turned out, in bed he was much better than others) or does it just seem to me that I love him? Or is there an option that we will be together again someday? (Elena, 29 years old)

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Trap # 2: "I don't want to adjust to anyone else."

Oh yeah. You are no longer a young girl for whom the main goal in life is to get married, and everything else does not seem so essential. You already understand how utopian the idea of re-educating a man after a wedding is. You know that you need to take it as it is, and not hope that you can remake it as a legal wife. You know perfectly well how such attempts to break your partner end: quarrels, spoiled nerves, wasted time and divorce. But the experience of a failed marriage has taught you more than that. You yourself have grown up, have decided on your preferences and are no longer very sure that you can tolerate another adult with his own "cockroaches" next to you. And to bend under it is not too great an honor, given the fact that the husband is not a constant value? “To adapt to everyone - to lose yourself” - you think and deprive yourself of a chance for a new serious relationship.

If two adults feel the desire to be together, they have to learn the art of coexistence.

What to do? Understand that a couple's life is about compromise. You cannot demand from another to compromise his principles and habits, if you are not ready to yield in yours. If two adults feel the desire to be together, they have to learn the art of coexistence. It is trite, but true: marriage is a job, daily and hard. In youth, few people understand that in a loving family you need to work not to force a partner to change their habits, but to learn to accept him for who he is. When the desire for understanding and acceptance is mutual, synergy arises in a couple. If this is not the case, the man and woman become antagonists, which inevitably leads to a break.

Is a strong woman doomed to be alone?

I am 26 years old, it would seem that everything is fine: work, car, complete independence, everything works out. But with personal life … emptiness. Yes, there was love, was married (more than three years ago), lived a year, separated after I lost my child (it turned out that I was no longer needed). After the divorce, she worked a lot, was worried for a long time and could not come to terms with the loss of the baby, she began to feel sorry for herself, love and tried to prove to herself that I can do everything. As a result, she received complete freedom and independence, a strong tempered character. Today I have everything that I once wanted to achieve, the only problem is that on my way there are weak men who want to solve their problems at the expense of me, or just a relationship without commitment. Don't know what to do? I met a man - quite worthy, but he is not ready to accept me like that, because, according to him, I already live well, I do not need a man, because I can do everything myself, that I am used to living for myself and I can hardly start a family, in which there are so many problems and worries. I had thoughts to go to a psychologist, because I made myself this way when I was going through my troubles, when I realized that the world is cruel and unfair, and now I want to understand whether it is worth changing myself or, maybe, still meeting a person who will love me like that? True, it's hard to believe that there are still men who need strong, intelligent and independent women. But I really want to be weak in the arms of a real man who will take at least part of my worries upon himself. I'm so tired of doing everything myself. (Inna, 26 years old)

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Trap # 3: “Why should I get married? I'm fine with you anyway»

Do you sincerely think that you do not want more formal relationships, because you have already been “there” and you know that there is nothing interesting in them? But, most likely, it is not for you "comfortable and without another stamp", but for your inner "I" it is scary to hear again one day "We need to get a divorce." And you instinctively defend yourself against the possible consequences of marriage: what does not exist cannot be destroyed.

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However, your partner may have a different opinion on this matter. Especially if for him, unlike you, this is the first serious relationship and he does not even admit that it may not be forever. Yes, imagine, not only girls want to get married at least once in their lives. Will you deny this to your loved one on the basis of the fact that you are already comfortable with him? Then try to put yourself in his place and hear from your loved one, whom you would like to marry, the words: “I don’t want to marry you, it’s fine for me.” Pleasantly? There is no feeling that you are perceived as something temporary, some kind of backup or staging post, while there are no better options? How long would you stay with a man who stubbornly does not want to marry you if you had a need for a family and common children? How would you feel if you received another refusal to your question about the wedding?

Sometimes it is difficult for a divorced woman to decide on remarriage for fear that this will complicate a new relationship, or maybe even become the first step towards divorce. In fact, according to statistics, second marriages often turn out to be an order of magnitude stronger and quieter than the first, since people make the "second attempt" already in adulthood, having behind them experience of family relations and having drawn certain conclusions. Those who decide to remarry are morally ready for compromises and know well what awaits them “on the other side of the registry office”.

So if you love this man and believe that he is right for you - do not complicate your relationship by unfairly rejecting his sincere offer to start a family with you.

How to keep everything as it is?

I have been married for 8 years. While studying at the university, we lived with my parents. My husband worked. After graduation, I found a good job, and we moved out of our parents. After some time, the husband began to behave like an unfinished feudal lord: he did absolutely nothing around the house (except that he brought food from the market). At the same time, I was charged with the obligation to work full time, completely pull the house on myself, to fulfill all his male whims. And, worst of all, all his emotional negativity and irritation constantly poured into me, regardless of whether it was somehow connected with me or with his work, car, friends, etc. I was to blame for all his failures or bad moods. With great difficulty she divorced him. He really didn't want that. A year and a half later she met a man. Began to meet. For a long time (about eight months) we had no sex. And when this happened, he offered to marry him. But the very thought that I can again become a servant in the house, a "drain hole" for negative emotions, terrifies me. We have been together for three years now, but we each live under our own roof. I feel comfortable and good living separately and meet with him several times a week. For us, every meeting is a celebration of body and soul. We share our joys and sorrows. He really wants to turn our union into a family, and the very thought of common everyday life plunges me into despondency. But how to keep everything as it is, without prejudice to both? (Marina, 37 years old)

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Trap # 4: “Love doesn't exist. You need to be content with what you have"

Having experienced the bitterness of divorce, you stop hoping that one day you will meet a person who will prove to you that your conclusions are wrong.

After the divorce, you look like a child to whom the terrible truth was revealed: Santa Claus does not exist. He does not receive letters from children and does not fulfill their New Year's wishes. He does not give gifts. And the gifts are not always exactly the ones they hoped for. Youthful faith in love is akin to childhood faith in Santa Claus. And in the same way it hurts to be disappointed in what, according to the plan, should have lasted forever. And so you say to yourself: there is no love, there is only sexual desire, mutual respect, affection, habit and much more that helps men and women to endure the presence of each other for a rather long time. Therefore, having experienced the bitterness of divorce, having understood the true value of an oath of eternal love, you cease to hope that one day you will meet a person who will prove to you the erroneousness of your conclusions. Now you no longer believe that you can fall in love and become loved by someone. And you no longer catch a crane, agreeing to the first more or less decent-looking tit …

21 years old with an unloved husband …

What if my husband loves, but I don’t? We have lived with my husband for 21 years. True, the marriage was registered twice, i.e. we have already divorced once. Probably, she originally married not for love, but because of pregnancy. But then my husband became jealous, once he raised his hand against me. She immediately filed for divorce. They divorced immediately, but we parted 5 years later. I went to my mother, but survived for three months. It seemed that I was so lonely that no one needed me. I called my husband, he returned, a daughter was born, the difference between the children is 13 years old. Registered marriage again. 8 years have passed. Every day is a torment. He annoys me with everyone. Doesn't eat like that, doesn't talk to a child like that. Everyone around us says that we are very different people, and it is not clear how we are together. He's very rude. During this time, I made a career for myself, I work as a chief accountant, I communicate with many, but even at general parties, everyone looks at me with pitying eyes. I tried to come up with a fairy tale for him that I was very sick, that as a woman I was not interested in men, I did not want any close relationship, but he agreed to everything, even that he would sleep with me once a month. I scream, he calms. But there is no more patience. I'm afraid of divorce, because they said that according to the law, everything would be divided in half. But the main income is mine. I bought apartments for children, a garage, a car, etc. If they give him half, what will be left for the children? How to be? What to do? I tried to find it on the side, but it's so exhausting. Fear of being recognized. If I were free, and so … In general, a dead end. Tell me what to do? (Nikolina, 43 years old)

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