Life after divorce: complexes of a divorced woman

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

So, here it is - the first day in the life of a divorced woman. You get out of bed and realize that you no longer need to cook breakfast for two, you do not need to stand in line at the toilet and argue which of the morning channels you will watch over a cup of aromatic morning coffee. Because "you" is no longer there.

At one point, everything that was usual for the long (or not so) years of family life ceased to exist. Now you look like an ant, lost from the path along which you carried twigs to the anthill all your "ant" life. Life has remained, but where is the road on which to go now? And most importantly - where? Stupor…

If parting is a small death, then a divorce for a certain category of ladies can become a deep lingering coma. Why do so many women recover for a long time after a failed marriage? This is due to the complexes that they receive as a bonus to the divorce certificate.

Of course, we all, even the best of us, are walking sets of various complexes, most of which were acquired in distant childhood, from moms and dads, grandparents, bystanders, first teachers and childhood best friends. It is they who prevent us from living, becoming a source of difficulties in everyday life, and in our careers, and in our personal lives. But there is also a special category of complexes - we earn them by living with each other. More precisely divorcing. They are worth dwelling on in more detail.

Victim complex

"How could he do this to me?" - a logical question, but completely unproductive. If your husband cheated, went to another, to another, or just left, saying that he was tired of everything and he wants to live only for himself, - to ask him a question about how he, a scoundrel, generally dared to treat you this way, is a bad idea …

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First, there is no answer. The incomprehensible "it happens in life" will not suit you, and no one else will suggest. For … "so" really happens. You are not the first, you are not the last. It is important to understand that life did not end there. You and the "homeless woman" do not live on a desert island, and your husband is not the only man on this godforsaken penny of the Universe.

Secondly, the question "why did he betray me?" itself is viral. Having asked it, it is already difficult to stop. You literally "freeze", remembering "all the good things" that you did for your ex, accusing him of ingratitude, you lose, you lose, you lose invaluable time that could be spent with benefit for yourself. But instead, you flawlessly play the victim of male selfishness, infidelity, carelessness. Do you have a chance to be happy again? Of course. But only after you finish this game of poor and unhappy sheep. Sheep, you know, don't fly.

Why did my husband not need me?

She has been married for 5 years and has a son. And then one day my husband said: boring, uninteresting, I don’t want to live like this anymore, I don’t want to be with you, and in general I love another. Well, of course, I haven't lived for half a year now, he is dating another, we are strangers, he wants to divorce. I changed my mind a lot, what was wrong, and I listen to a lot of advice, and talked to a psychologist, and all these thoughts terribly torment me and eat from the inside. I devoted all of myself to the family, took care, all the best, all the strength, if only he was good, and the problem is that he did not complain, he was silent to himself in a rag, he is not a very talkative person at all. If he said that he was not satisfied with something, we would be able to change, and once said “I don’t want” - and everything, and our family “I don’t want”, bombarded with accusations, they say, did not feel loved, there was no sex, well, as usual, although we had everything. Of course, everyone advises to let go, forgive, forget, live on, enjoy the child. Intellectually, I understand that it is necessary. But not yet. I am tormented by thoughts, why did it all turn out like this? Why did you stop loving? Why did I wait five years to once express everything that had accumulated? Why did he allow himself to have another and does not value our family? Why, when you care, smooth out conflicts, behave softly, in the end you turn out to be of no use to anyone? (Irena, 29 years old)

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Loser complex

Your husband went to another, not stingy with unflattering "compliments" in your address in the end. You are offended, humiliated and crushed by the realization of your imperfection. You don't know how to cook, weigh 5-10 kilos more than his ideal of beauty, do you have too snub nose or small breasts? Are you not into scuba diving or can you hardly speak the only foreign language you learned in high school? Yes, it's hard to compete with "fairies" who have everything in place, three foreign ones on their resume and a show jumping diploma on the toilet door. But, in fairness, it should be said that there are far fewer "fairies" in wildlife than it seems. And you, too, could have become this fabulous creature for someone, if you had not put an end to yourself. "Who needs me like this?" - typical thoughts of a divorced woman with a loser complex. Even if the ex-husband at the same time turned out to be tactful enough so as not to blame the other half for imperfections and not to blame her fragile shoulders for a ruined marriage, a woman with a loser complex will always find a worthy cause for sadness. "Who needs me with a baby in her arms?" Or: "Only losers / villains / married men peck at me." There are so many options, and the fantasy of a notorious "divorce" knows no boundaries at all. Do you really believe that it's all about your "bad karma"? Then what prevents to correct it a little? Until you understand that your life is governed not by some abstract "lucky or unlucky", but yourself, - you will not have a chance of rebirth. Inaction, as well as a sluggish imitation of activity with a failure mindset, is a weight tied to your feet and preventing you from taking off.

I was left alone with a bunch of complexes

I am 29, he is 33. Was the best friend. Then he confessed his love. She has been married for 1.5 years, before that they lived together for 8 years. I felt that I had found a kindred spirit, he said that too. During this time, we never quarreled, however, our relationship was similar to the relationship between a very close brother and sister. When I raised this topic, it turned out that on closer examination I was not in his taste - full (164 cm, weight 60 kg). I must say that I have always been like this, I take care of myself: food, sports, but this only helps not to gain weight - heredity. Then he said that, most likely, it was in him (he is depressed in life). And off we go. Either everything is fine, then again he will say that, they say, he is overweight, he dreamed not of such a thing. I want to say that she is not deprived of the attention of men: pretty, always well-groomed, educated, optimistic. Once I told him this, to which I replied that I just know how to hide the flaws of my figure with clothes. Then again an apology. I realized that there was no end to this, and offered to live separately. And she left, fortunately, she was always financially independent. Now filed for divorce. He said that he loved me very much, but as a woman I was not interested in him. I understand that I should have stopped everything a long time ago, but I loved it very much and even began to think that he was right and I had nothing to claim, since I did not have an ideal appearance. Now I am left alone with a bunch of complexes. All the time I think about what I will not like without cosmetics and well-chosen clothes. That good human qualities mean nothing without beautiful packaging and any man should cry into a pillow at night if his girlfriend is not a fashion model. How to live? (Alexandra, 29 years old)

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The avenger complex

Revenge is like a drug, with all the trappings of drug addiction. It is easy to get hooked on and difficult to jump off.

He bitterly offended you, trampled on your love, hope for "together, happily ever after" or simply ruined the girl's dream for a life "no worse than others?" You may have never even loved him, but who cares ?! You are furious: how dare he leave you? Well, nothing, you will find a way to make him suffer as you suffer yourself. And here the most "interesting" begins. Your whole life, your existence is now subordinated to a higher goal: to make the former understand how wrong he was, and to regret what he did. It's good if you don't have children yet. With children, the situation becomes completely dramatic. A woman with an avenger complex rarely has the mind not to involve common children in her showdown with her husband. On the contrary, more often it is they who become the main tool of blackmail. Revenge is like a drug, with all the trappings of drug addiction. It is easy to get hooked on and difficult to jump off. Successful acts of revenge are almost euphoric, failed acts of aggression and withdrawal. Surely you will poison your ex's life, but by the time you decide you can stop, what will be left of your own life?

I want him to hurt

Please help with advice. Otherwise I'll go crazy. I was betrayed by my beloved man. When he needed, I ran to save him. The wife left, taking the children, to another man. And my beloved came running to me, crying. He took my son and me from a rented apartment and took us to his place. For half a year I lived like in a fairy tale. Was the happiest. I finally have a full-fledged family. I just flew with happiness. I took care of them. I became attached to his youngest son, who came to us. And here is a bolt from the blue: "Go away, my wife is returning to me." We, of course, assumed this, but he always said that if she returned, he would leave with me. It hurts, it hurts. I was ready for anything for him. Some kind of emptiness inside. I live like a robot. While in their house, there is nowhere to go. I am looking for an apartment. They are waiting for us to leave. I really want him to feel bad. To cry and bite your elbows. To think and remember me every minute. After all, he said he loved. Loves very much. And now I am in such a state that I am even ready to do something bad. Go to a fortune teller and do something to make him suffer and go crazy. This is, of course, wrong, probably. Anger and resentment are now speaking in me. But I really want him to be hurt. (Maria, 32 years old)

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Integrity crisis

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Every girl from a certain age knows for sure that closer to puberty she has to look for and find her “soul mate”, with whom she will create something whole, that is, ideally, a family. And in this seemingly harmless attitude, a sophisticated evil is hidden: becoming an adult, a woman ceases to feel like a whole person. Instead of looking for harmony and balance within herself, she embarks on a search for her "half", which means another, a man. In order to feel complete, she needs a husband, a family. Having married, she continues to behave like "half" of a single organism - the family. Therefore, when her marriage collapses, she perceives it extremely painfully, as the amputation of an important part of the body. Not being self-sufficient, she acutely experiences the loss of her "half". "Emptiness", "emptiness", "lost" - these are the words that can describe what such a woman feels after a divorce. It is very important for her to restore her integrity, and the only way she knows to do this is to find a new husband. She simply does not know other options. The longer her loneliness lasts, the harder it is for her. She can go all out in the hope that at least one of the many men will appreciate her and want to continue the relationship. Or she gets married for convenience, in the hope that "he will endure - he will fall in love." They often say about such a woman: "It is written on her forehead:" I want to get married. "Unfortunately, by her behavior, she programs herself for failure. You don't need a new man to give yourself a second chance. You need to start rebirth by restoring the integrity of your personality, learning to live in harmony with yourself and filling the void without the help of other people.

Gone on the eve of the silver wedding

A few days before the anniversary of the silver wedding, the husband announced his departure. The crisis in the relationship has matured for a long time: his coldness, indifference, absence of any presence simply killed, but he did not stop repeating that he loved. I had the most sincere feelings for him, I loved him very much, and therefore I tried to justify his alienation by problems in business. I will note that for many years the financial well-being of the family was practically ensured by me alone, since his money was allegedly invested in the business. And then 3 months ago he left, saying that the feelings were gone, and just a few days ago I found out that he already had a new relationship, or maybe there were even before he left. How to live on? I feel betrayed, used and very unhappy. I trusted this man so much, but he neglected everything: my love, my trust, my devotion. I don’t know where to get my strength so as not to go crazy, and yet there is still a divorce. Friends say that my husband has always loved only himself and lived only for himself and that it is a great blessing that he freed me from his presence. And when enlightenment comes in my mind, I understand this myself, but I still continue to love him and torment myself with the thoughts that I will never be with him again, and after all, once we dreamed of dying with him on the same day. How to find meaning in life again, how to get rid of mental loneliness? (Svetlana, 44 years old)

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