Life after divorce

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

My friends suddenly got divorced. It is always sudden for outsiders, even if you are on friendly terms. Observing scandals and quarrels, it is still difficult to imagine that people who have been together for 10 years, have two children, they took it like this overnight and ceased to exist as a single whole. But, looking around, you suddenly realize with horror that there are simply no ideal couples among your peers who would like to envy secretly and openly and who are insured against the same fate.

According to statistics, the number of divorces in Russia over the past year reached 800 per 1000 marriages, which is 200 more than 10 years ago. And this is characteristic not only of our country, but in general is a global trend. According to the Brussels newspaper"

"All happy families are equally happy, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" - this classic postulate remains relevant today. There can be many reasons for divorce. But they all have one main thing under them - the course of life has accelerated. In a constantly changing world, you manage to live and experience with one partner as much as you previously managed to do only in 25-30 years of marriage. And then suddenly someone from the pair goes forward, and he is no longer satisfied with the partner who was left behind, who could not grow up and change as quickly. And it becomes possible to correct the dissonance that has arisen only by radical measures.

Statistics do not indicate who is more likely to initiate a divorce, a man or a woman. But one thing is clear, women experience a change in their social status more emotionally and painfully. This is due both to the age-old traditions of the perception of a woman as the keeper of the hearth, and to the fact that we - the fairer sex - are more emotional in nature. Almost everyone, after a bad first experience, is trying to find a new spouse. But whether a second chance is given depends on how the woman was able to cope with the stress of the previous breakup.

It will be appropriate here to highlight several typical behavioral patterns.

Nadia and Roma have lived together for 13 years. They studied together, got married in the second year of the institute, gave birth to their first, and then almost immediately, their second child. When they remembered the "happy" student years, they usually talked about how Roma walked between lectures with a stroller in the park next to the institute, while Nadia tried to sleep. And then suddenly (again this word!) Roma announces that he is leaving for another. There were no scandals, no special clarifications of the relationship. Just suddenly. I will not say what shock his half experienced. For her, the inviolability of their union was not even discussed. It has been a year and a half since Roma has been building a new family, and Nadia is still asking the question: "How could he ?!" - and tragically distorts his face as soon as he hears his name. She is typical "victim" … The husband went to another, not younger and not prettier, but to the one that allows him to experience feelings and emotions, which he, unfortunately, was deprived of due to his early marriage. He has a second youth, not burdened with responsibility for young children and thoughts of where and how to get money for food. And Nadya cannot understand in any way that it was not her fault that he left, and he was not such a parasite that he left his family (and he sees his girls all the time and, of course, helps in every possible way), but life turned out so that he missed one stage, without which it can no longer exist. And if she does not understand this and does not forgive both him and herself, then her chances of building a new relationship are almost zero. Because in such a situation, of course, "all men are bastards."

Another typical heroine of a similar drama has not gone far from the image of the "victim". it complex individual. My friend Zhenya did not live in her first marriage for long, two years. And it was at the dawn of our foggy youth. But now she is already thirty, and she is still alone, in full confidence that she will never be able to build normal family relationships, just because her then young husband went to a girl two sizes thinner than her. It doesn't matter what will cause the complex to appear, that your rival is necessarily better - your own cockroaches or a rudely thrown parting phrase: "And in general, you absolutely don't know how to cook!" The main thing is that this further cultivated self-doubt does not allow you to be happy with a man who is there for you somewhere.

"The Avenger" - the type is just as recognizable and common. It is possible to avenge a destroyed family hearth in different ways, both by manipulating children (and I will allow you to meet with a child only once a month and only for a few hours), or in a completely exotic way. Some of my parents' buddies have always been considered an odd family. Outwardly completely prosperous and happy, on closer examination they were some kind of monstrously incongruous pair. After I learned their story, everything fell into place. When their former halves cheated on them with each other and began to live together, then, in revenge, these two deeply wounded people also decided to get married. Like, you are happy, and we can too, jealous of us as much as we are of you. History has shown who they hurt the most.

Madam "sane" - this is the ideal type and therefore, unfortunately, rarely found in real life. This is the woman who was able, without pain (without pain, but this does not mean that without sadness), to let go of her ex, draw conclusions from past experience, without forming a complex in herself “he left, because I’m not like that,” and with optimism to look at the possibility of a new permanent relationship. It is such a woman who has the chance to build a new happy family despite the fact that the previous experience was not successful.

Looking back, I understand that in the four years that have passed between my divorce and my second marriage, I have been in the shoes of all the types presented. But I really hope that I have reached the ideal "sane" state, which means that I can start all over again. What I wish for the rest of the divorced and divorced.