Why we seek the approval of others

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Have you noticed how, while doing something, you look around in search of an approving glance from others? It is not enough for you just to know that you are right, it is necessary that relatives, friends, colleagues and even complete strangers confirm this.

Don't think that something is wrong with you. Almost all of us need social stroking (psychological support): this is how we briefly increase our own self-esteem, which is underestimated by most people.

123RF / George Mayer

Psychologists explain that the need for constant approval of others speaks, first of all, that a person does not know how to adequately assess himself, his weaknesses and strengths. Such people need someone from the outside to say: "Yes, you are doing everything right, you are great."

If, after certain actions or words, such a reaction does not follow, then people begin to doubt not only their own abilities, but also the correctness of their own opinion.

A person who lives with an eye on others is always in tension, experiences a feeling of anxiety, since the main purpose of his existence is the desire to please others, to correspond to their idea of what is bad and what is good.

You are probably familiar with the situation when you see that someone is doing something wrong, dishonest or mean, but at the same time you are silent, do not enter into an open conflict, because you are afraid to seem like a brawler. In addition, people who need someone else's approval, as a rule, go along with others and agree to what they do not want, for example, going to a sushi bar, even if they hate Japanese cuisine.

123RF / racorn

In pursuit of a positive assessment of our actions, we completely forget about ourselves: if the majority are against, we change our position, even if a second ago it seemed to us the only correct one; we compromise our own interests; we are afraid to be frank with family and friends, fearing to lose their location; and, most importantly, we keep running the same thought in our heads: “Did they see how good I am? Did they notice that I did the right thing now? I’ll do it, and everyone will say that I’m great.”

Instead of just enjoying life and freedom of choice, we voluntarily agree to let others decide how we live and what to choose.

In addition to the inability to adequately assess our weaknesses and strengths, psychologists identify several more reasons why we are constantly looking for someone else's approval. Understanding why you are adjusting your own value system to fit other people's perceptions can help you deal with this problem.

Shifting responsibility

As strange as it may sound, it is much easier for us to live if other people evaluate us. It seems that outsiders see all our advantages and disadvantages better, hence the familiar "from the outside knows better." Since we are afraid that we will not be able to adequately assess the correctness of our own actions, we voluntarily transfer the right to “judge” those around us. As a result, all our ideas about what is good and what is bad are based not on inner convictions, but on the opinions of others.

123RF / stasia04

Parental approval

If in childhood we saw the manifestation of parental love exclusively in those cases when we did something that mothers and fathers liked, then, as adults, we continue to empower those around us with the powers of our "parent-censors." When we did not meet parental expectations, we received anger, anger, irritation in response. And they saw love, affection and care only by doing something that corresponded to parental ideas about the right life. Of course, this was not the case for everyone, but those who in childhood realized that a kind attitude towards oneself can be earned only by pleasing someone, today behave in the same way with other people.

Perfectionism

Another reason why we need the approval of strangers is the desire to achieve perfection in everything and to become perfect ourselves. However, in this case, it is no longer a matter of a simple need to be "stroked on the head," but of the need to evoke admiration, hear a storm of applause, and see envy in the eyes of others. It is such people - those who want not only to make sure that they are right, but also to become an ideal for others - are more often disappointed in life.

Depending on the opinions of others, in fact, there is nothing terrible, but only up to certain limits. We all seek approval to one degree or another when expressing our point of view or doing something. However, it is worth sounding the alarm if you began to notice that, listening to the reaction of friends and colleagues, you do not at all correlate it with your own system of values and try at all costs to correspond to other people's ideas. A person with an inner core should ask himself: “What do I think about this? Do I want to do what others expect of me?"

To live, focusing only on the opinions of others, while forgetting about your own, means never to be happy. Indeed, in this case, someone's disapproving look will be able to ruin even the best mood and make you doubt yourself.