Child development psychology

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Marina, a successful businesswoman, came to the psychologist Tatiana Shishova's appointment with two problems: her loser husband and an uncontrollable teenage son. "My Gena works in a design bureau with a small salary, loves to play organola and read smart books. She is uninitiative, lacking, not pressured - a mattress is a mattress. Even a nail cannot be hammered in without swinging," said Marina. It was evident that only Kiryusha's son, who often witnessed parental squabbles, kept her from divorce. And I heard many unflattering statements about the Pope. Marina was not embarrassed by this: "Let him know the truth and not repeat the fate of his father!"

But instead of learning from the father's mistakes, the child copied his behavior. From the outside, he gave the impression of a squeezed, downtrodden child, and with his mother he was rude, did everything in spite of everything, and even stood up for his father in parental battles. Marina wrote off everything that happened to the transitional age and really realized the seriousness of the problem only when she found her son in the company of drug addicts. But she blamed Gena for that too.

And psychologist Tatyana opened the other side of the coin to Marina, the psychology of child development, and it turned out that the reason for the boy's internal conflict was in the mother, who herself imposed a loser complex on her son.

How did this happen? A child cannot develop without imitation and, first of all, takes an example of behavior from his parents. This is the basis of the fundamentals programmed into the human mind. It is stupid and humiliating to look up to a loser, so Kiryusha had no choice but to choose between two evils: to reject his father or to protect him from humiliation. The boy preferred the second option - a war with his mother, not wanting to come to terms with the belittling of his father and restoring his image.

Still, the result was disastrous. And this is no accident. The choice was one of two evils. And when evil gives you two options to choose from, it is better not to choose, because you choose evil anyway, and nothing good will come of it.

Tatyana explained that there is a way out of this situation: Marina needs to give up the role of an Amazon, an independent self-asserting woman, and more to be in the role of mother and wife. You should not give up your work altogether, but you should forget about superiority over your husband.

Marina considered herself an accomplished person, and her husband was worthless, but, overestimating her "achievements", she realized that Gena is patient, caring, he has time for games, walks, and interesting conversations, while mother's son sees in fits and starts, always annoyed and with a set of all sorts of claims.

What advice does psychologist Tatyana Shishova give to Marina?

Firstly, a lot of energy will be spent, and you will not achieve anything good.

Second, what can he do well and what can he give to the child? Having dealt with this, you need to help him unobtrusively, without advertising or reproaching. Encourage your husband more often, highlight successes in the presence of your son. But it is also not worth getting into the affairs of her husband headlong.

In this story, Marina managed to overpower herself and follow the saving advice of a psychologist. After some time, Gena got a job at a publishing house and thanks to his erudition (he read smart books for a reason) quickly won the respect of his superiors. Now he is the chief editor of two publishing programs and is quite successfully working in a new field. But Marina had to wash off in Kiryusha's mind the abused image of her father for a very long time.

How can you create a positive image of a father in your child, worthy of imitation?

First of all, draw the child's attention to the husband's profession. After all, "just dads" does not exist. It is now children who believe that dad is a material sponsor, who is needed only in order to bring money into the house from somewhere, and earlier the concepts of father, head of the family and profession were inseparable. Take an interest in your husband's work with a child, specify it. A dad should not be engaged in the understanding of a son or daughter, who knows what. He has a difficult and responsible job that is useful for society: he grinds out parts without which planes do not fly, or designs school buildings. Children can find any work interesting and important. The main thing is how colorful and fun it is to teach. In any case, whatever the father does, it should inspire respect and pride in the child.

“One of the main feelings necessary for a child to develop a healthy psyche is a feeling of security. In infancy, it is created mainly by the mother. Then, when the child begins to master the world around him and realizes that there are many dangers in the world that a woman cannot cope with, the father begins to play the role of the main protector ", writes Tatyana Shishova in her famous book" So that the child is not difficult ".

It is very important to strengthen the child's confidence that dad is the support and protection of the family (even if this is far from the case). Pay the attention of your son or daughter to the moments of the manifestation of paternal strength: moving a sofa or closet, lifting all kinds of weights (packed bags, heavy boxes, especially the baby himself), as well as during sports training and any physical activity.

More often discuss with the child the cases in which the father really manifests himself in the role of a defender: he blocked from a gust of wind, drove away a terrible dog, separated the fighting boys on the playground, stood up for the baby, but you never know in life such, it would seem, trivial moments. But it is from this that a son or daughter develops a sense of security: drop by drop and - the ocean.

The father is the head of the family. This should sound like an irrefutable axiom for a child. The psychology of child development is such that even if all decisions in the house are made by the mother, the baby must hear the last decisive word of the father (and it does not matter that it will be pronounced under your dictation). As dad said, so be it. But here, too, the main thing is not to overdo it, you should not turn your father into an instrument of punishment: "Daddy will come and show you where the crayfish spend the winter!" or "I'll tell my dad everything and he'll whip you up properly!" If the baby is afraid of his father until his knees tremble, this is not good. Relationships with dad should be trusting, warm, very respectful, with a tinge of fear of the father's just anger.

Parental authority develops throughout life, and sometimes there are times when only he can keep a teenager from a rash step. For this, the father must appear to the child as an interesting personality worthy of imitation. You don't have to play with your baby for hours to be a friend. Many men find these games very difficult. They would rather have been hauling bags of cement for half a day than rolling tiny cars on the floor for ten minutes. It is much more important that the father teaches the children what the mother cannot teach. And most importantly, he talked with children, acted as a wise mentor, to whom you can always turn to with a variety of and even intimate questions, who knows a lot and is ready to share his experience.

Do you think this is already too much for your husband? You're wrong! Any adult has life experience and has at least some practical knowledge. How to fish, chop wood, work with tools, handle the ball properly, climb trees. To instill an interest in technology, play sports together, and much, much more a father can give to his son or even daughter.

For example, my father worked as a state traffic inspector and, naturally, by virtue of his profession, he knew a lot about cars. On our walks, we often discussed the external differences between the brands of cars passing by. And at the age of six I could already compete in terms of knowledge in this matter with adults, not to mention the boys I know. Thanks to this, she earned respect in the yard.

As for heart-to-heart conversations, my brother Ivan never told my mother anything. Mom didn't know how to just listen to him calmly. Any of his stories about her life, she parsed in detail, laid out on the shelves, painted all his actions in black and white stripes, clearly distinguishing between good and evil. And instead of a funny story about boyish antics, it turned out to be Shakespeare's tragedy. On all matters, the brother always talked to his father. Yes, and I also followed his example. Dad sat and listened, occasionally inserting a couple of questions when he didn't understand something. And if you ask for advice, he will voice several options and turn the whole situation so that I myself could think of the right decision. It was easy with dad. Sometimes it seems to me that he carefully substituted steps under my feet as soon as I was ready to take the next step, unlike my mother, who tried to climb in front of my stairs and drag me up by the hand.

Psychology of child development: well, here, perhaps, and all the wisdom. Take action! Create the image of a father in the mind of your baby! And don't be late with it. You will have time to earn money for the dacha, buy an extra rag and do a general cleaning, but no one has yet been able to return time back and make your child's ruined childhood happier.