What parents and children argue about: Stages of the problem

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

It was not invented by us, and it is not in our power to resolve it. She was, is and will be - big and well-fed, breaking, crippling and forcing one to make so many mistakes and stupid things, the problem of mutual understanding between parents and children. 14-year-old Katya, perhaps, would not have taken a cigarette in her mouth, if not for the words of her mother: "If I see you with a cigarette, I'll beat you like a mangy dog!" And 25-year-old Daniel, for sure, would have had a different career if he knew how to boldly and decisively say "no" (alas, the ability to do this was discouraged at the age of 4). The problem of "fathers and children", like a child, goes through several qualitatively different stages in its development. Although, its main core remains the same thing: the desire for freedom.

Toddlers Small children crave"

Younger schoolchildren Psychologists call this time the "school age crisis." At this age, for the first time, the opposite situation arises: now we, adults, are trying to force children to be responsible, giving them a certain degree of freedom so that they … stop interfering with us. Lessons, preparation for various school activities - all this is now mainly children's concern. Parents, on the other hand, try to take on the role of a strict judge who evaluates the final result (a deuce, a reprimand in a diary, a call to school, or, conversely, an A, a letter). While the child was in kindergarten, we tried to control his every step. Now it’s like a program has been changed in the computer: “You’re big now. You’ll do the dishes, go to the store for bread, do your homework on your own, etc., etc.” The only problem is that this is not the best moment for a child to be baptized independently. The first few years of school are times when parents need to be extra careful, understanding and patient in order to help their child build new relationships with teachers and classmates. Moreover, you need to try to be not a guardian (this will make the child an infantile), but responsible and able to stand up to protect the rights and personality of your child in front of strangers. Analytical psychologist Karine Gyulazizova talks about this in more detail.

Teenagers The age when the desire for freedom exceeds all permitted "standards". At this age, children are still guided by adults. But now they need not so much protection as recognition of themselves as an independent person, with their desires, position, opinion. In families where there is a trusting relationship between family members, this period passes relatively calmly. Of course, there are non-standard situations, but the relationship between parents and children allows them to jointly "discuss the problem" and find the right solution to it. Another thing is authoritarian families and families, in which most attention is paid to the outer side of the child's life (neat appearance, well-fed, obedient, etc.). In such systems of relations, the desire for freedom becomes an end in itself for the child, i.e. - freedom for the sake of the opportunity to demonstrate their freedom. So a kind of "Riot on the Ship" arises in the family - read about it in the material of Yulia Alexandrova.

Adults Researchers of the problems of family relationships have found that the greatest alienation between parents and children occurs in the period from 17-18 to 27-28 years old. For young people, this is the time of "schwaboda", when practically all "adult joys" become officially permitted: cigarettes, booze, sex, money. And during this period, having jumped out of the parental nest, barely fledged "chicks" try to completely isolate themselves from their elders. They practically do not take the advice of their parents (or imitate external consent), shun and avoid their company. It is during these 10 years that children "learn from their mistakes", ignoring other people's experience. For parents, on the contrary, this is the time when they feel the need to communicate with grown-up children as equals (which their 12-15-year-old sons and daughters sought from them a few years ago). And only closer to the age of 30, children, battered by life and taught by bitter experience, begin to find a common language with their no longer young parents.