Do not take offense, loving

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

S. Dovlatov

"

She didn’t know, but something whirled in her soul, whirled and rustled. I wanted to be offended. First at him. Then to the whole world …

But the reason to be offended was too insignificant. Well, he didn't. And he was not happy. You never know. Maybe a bad moment, a bad mood …

She decided to try again. I called. In the middle of the night. Said: "Read it to me aloud. I like your voice so much …". “No,” He said. - "You want to be the Center of the Universe, around which the worlds revolve. You want to be special. You want all my attention. This will not happen …". “Why?” She asked. "Because my attention is all I have. You want to rob me of my peace, take my soul. If I don't stop now, I will have you, but I will not have myself."

She thought it was even romantic to be so afraid of her feelings for her. I remembered how He spoke about love with tears in his voice. About understanding. About how scary it is to pass by your fate. She had never seen such a sensitive man before … She was ready to forget about everything superficial, superficial and unimportant. The soul was filled with a warm, enveloping, eternal feeling …

But then He added: "And you also have three shortcomings that - in aggregate - prevent us from being together: Insight, adventurism and some bodily curves."

Everything, She understood. You need to delete this person from your life. At any cost. Self-centered madmen are no longer her profile. Short beeps in the receiver - a memorial service for your own feelings. And the insult that rises before the eyes now in full growth.

The whole next day, I felt a nasty ache somewhere inside. Where, from the point of view of specialists of all stripes and directions, there is a soul. The head understood: everything is in order, everything is fine. What, in essence, nonsense, against the background of world problems. And on any other background. But the soul refused to understand anything. The soul was offended and did not listen to any arguments. The soul paid for openness …

And then She decided that she would get to the bottom of it. Get rid of resentment. I realized that together - in one body - they cannot live. Some of them must be stronger. Or She. Or resentment …

The creative search for a way out has spawned several conversations:

Self talk

In Dahl's dictionary it was written: "Insult is every untruth; everything that offends, dishonor and censures, hurts; ridicule, bad opinion about someone …".

What is offensive here? Directly spoken words? Maybe some subtext? Or context?

Or - all together?..

She tried to analyze point by point.

Insight?

Yes, She, as an experienced chess player, knows how to calculate several moves ahead. She connects to His feelings, knows what He is thinking. More precisely, he feels His thoughts. She sees Him in integrity, but this vision does not prevent Her from taking care of her own interests more than of Him. She believes that you can come to harmony only through your own completeness. She grows her own personality, not letting even close people into her. Her mind seemed to Him unnecessary and unnecessary. Because he worked for Her interests.

Adventurism?

Yes, She can fall asleep in one place and wake up in another. Can go to sleep in the sauna, and wash - for birthdays. Can live in the forest for months, visiting home only to visit. He can spontaneously leave for distant lands, if he suddenly decides that it is there that the most beautiful sunsets. Can accidentally meet the same person every two years, spending time with him and forgetting about him. Can write a song instead of crying. And then give it to another man. Together with a bouquet of roses. She reacted anew each time. You can tell her the same thing several times - it is not known what you will get in return. And will you get it. Probably, it was difficult for Him to put up with unpredictability.

Body curves?

Yes, She does not resemble either Claudia Schiffer or Cindy Crawford. She is smaller in stature and slightly exceeds the standard 90-60-90. But it goes beyond the standard so that it takes your breath away. And He twice told her that with a beautiful face she had an imperfect figure. The first time She laughed: as always, at nonsense. This time She looked at her favorite photos. A naked girl holding a dark hat with her hands, from under which red curls are peeking out. Holding a ripe apple in her hand. Embracing a man. Staring at the rustling surf She is a part of world harmony …

His attention?

Yes, His attention is all He has. But She knew that she wanted to be the Center of the Universe not in general, but precisely for Him. Otherwise, they will miss the opportunity to create a miracle. And this opportunity will slip away into parallel worlds, where it will no longer be found. And He fled from his own feelings. Built walls. Life with Her meant a long and difficult journey. The path of trust and the ability to give joy …

Yes, She consists of this body, of this discernment and of this adventurism. Of its many features. But this is She. These are not disadvantages or advantages, but Her very essence. What was there to fight here? With her? Or, perhaps, He was struggling with what brought Him to Her, and not to thousands of others?.. The offense began to dissolve. So it’s not about what He said. It's about attitude. In His troubles. In Her insignificance. Resentment began to turn into annoyance. Then - in sadness …

Conversation with a book

A favorite book that saved in any situation, said: "We both see that something wonderful awaits us, but we will not get there from here. I faced a solid wall of protection, and you need to build more and more. We are both broken. And all the limited time that you have given us, we are in a state of constant struggle, we are surrounded by continuous shadows and dark clouds. I feel like a living being who cries a lot, a being who even has to cry, because it seems like happiness needs to be endured And I know that it is too early for me to turn life into continuous suffering."

That sounded like the right answer.

Conversation with a psychologist

The psychologist was cheerful and smiling. He dimmed the light, turned on pleasant music:

- Ask your resentment or sadness, do they want to talk to you?

“Of course,” She replied. - Lately, I only talk to them.

- Ask them how they take care of you?

- Do they care? Hmm … Probably not at all. They just create experiences. Replaces a fulfilling emotional life …

- Can you find the creative part in yourself?

“I can,” She said. - Choose …

- What way out of the situation does your creative part suggest?

- Lots of options. Marry. Run away from the city. Write talented poetry. Convince Him to start over. Clearly send Him to hell. Let Him and Yourself go …

Conversation with Him

She heard His distant "hello …":

- I love you…

… My soul became calm. The insult flared up like fireworks and disappeared. Sadness became light and settled to the bottom - "and there, at the bottom of the soul, it thickens, like buried wine in a cellar." Love has gone beyond the banks of the source. Now She loves Him and anyone else, and the meditation of rain outside the window, and the warm purring of a cat.

She overstepped the shores of emotion.

And entered into LOVE …