Caring and obsession: how not to cross the line

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Your relative is sick. An ordinary cold, it's okay, but you want to alleviate his poor health as much as possible, and therefore try to surround your loved one with your care. Every now and then you ask if he has a headache, if he needs something to bring, maybe go to the pharmacy or cook chicken broth.

You do everything with the best of intentions, but at some point you see that the relative begins to get irritated, and then completely breaks down: "Will you leave me alone today or not?" You are offended, you wanted to help, but he did not appreciate it. Wait, don't be in a hurry to be indignant. Perhaps you are really wrong. Chances are, you just crossed the fine line between concern and obsession.

Dreamstime.com/Mykola Kravchenko

At first glance, it seems that it is almost impossible to discern this line. She is actually barely distinguishable: there is nothing easier than stumbling and turning from a caring wife, mother, daughter or friend into an obsessive fly that you want to shrug off. But if you really want to be sympathetic and benevolent to others, you will have to learn to understand when your attentiveness is alarming and only alienates family and friends from you. This should be done at least in order to avoid unnecessary quarrels and empty grievances. You do not want to be known as a bore and scare away everyone who is dear to you, do you? If not, then let's figure out why we now and then cross the fine line between caring and obsession and how to behave so that those around us are always happy with our society and are not afraid to ask for advice.

Increased anxiety

There are those among us who are constantly afraid for loved ones and do not want to fight this fear. The imagination paints the most terrible pictures for such alarmists: here the husband left the house for work, forgetting to close the door, and the thieves have already taken out a brand new TV, not forgetting about the jewelry box. Or a daughter, who did not answer one phone call, is not really sitting in class, but drinking beer in a bad company, because of which in a few years she will not go to university and miss the chance to realize herself in life. They are afraid for everyone, and therefore every now and then they control whether everything is good with relatives. “Have you turned off the iron? Do you remember that ophthalmologist's appointment today? Have you had lunch? " It is not surprising that such an obsession annoys others and they ask themselves the question: "Does she take me for an idiot?"

What to do? Understand and accept the fact that the people around you are not children who need eye and eye. They are able to make their own decisions, write a plan for the day in a diary, and cope with difficulties. It's one thing if you sincerely want to help another person in order to benefit him, and quite another if in this way you only calm yourself. This is selfish to say the least.

Dreamstime.com/Antonio Guillem

Desire to be needed

Another reason why we climb into someone else's life without soap is the desire to be needed by someone. We want to feel our own importance, we want to be reckoned with, but by our actions we scare away the closest and dearest people. If you are sure that you know better what to wear, which guys to date and what films to watch your daughter, then be prepared that one day she will slam the door, throwing something like: “I myself know how to live, I already not little.

What to do? Pay attention to your life: to the problems that exist in it, as well as to what feelings the thoughts of loneliness evoke in you. It is quite possible that behind such overprotection lies a reluctance to open one's eyes to personal difficulties, as well as to a panic fear of ever being alone.

Desire to control

To subordinate everything that happens around, to total control - this is the dream of those who every now and then call their relatives and friends, are interested in their affairs, advise how best to act (even when they are not asked about it), says who it is worth communicating with, and who to stay away from, how to raise children (and often not their own, but strangers'), how to spend money correctly, and what to buy in no case. Thus, they create the illusion that everything is subject to them and the further development of events depends only on them, there are no accidents, everything is decided by them. Needless to say, this behavior is pretty annoying to those around them, and they want to escape from under the imaginary power even more. Every action gives rise to opposition.

What to do? If you are drawn to command other people, then it is better to find a job where your skill will serve a good cause, and with your family and friends, choose a different tactic of behavior: respect their choice, as they respect yours. Understand that living with a tyrant is very difficult, and the patience of loved ones is not unlimited.

Dreamstime.com/Yauheni Hastsiukhin

The desire to please others

Sometimes caring for your neighbor is just a cover for the desire to please your own ego. We so want to be good for those around us that we are ready to help them at any time, take an interest in our state of health fifty times a day, become a better listener, literally pulling out a story about why a colleague or friend is in a bad mood. It is not surprising that a person who does not greet, or someone who has just had a quarrel with his wife, will not appreciate your persistence, but will ask you to leave him behind.

What to do? If doing something good for others, you think: “Let him see how wonderful I am, how attentive, tactful, ready to help,” then it is better to stop helping. You are not doing this for others, but for yourself. First, figure out why it is so important for you to like others, and then volunteer to give advice and listen to mental anguish.