Caring and prohibitions: two sides of the same coin

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

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E. Schwartz "Cinderella"

As a child, I thought that at the age of fifteen I would become an absolutely adult. And the indicator of independence seemed to be night discos, which could be attended without parental permission. And when my girlfriends and I began to go to the dances, we were surprised to find that we grew up, grew up and now completely grown up, and parental control still remains in place. And neither our age, nor psychological and material independence, nor the acquired life experience radically change this situation.

The problem of "fathers and children" is invariably faced by every generation. Of course, parents are the closest people, and what they will love and support under any circumstances warms the soul. But parents are different. And, unfortunately, often parental care turns into custody with a decisive vote, and sometimes into tight control. It happens that the relationship with the parents resembles a struggle. The forces are often unequal, given that in our country most young women still live with their parents. And like it or not, but the rules of living together have to be followed. Many girls try to get married just to gain independence. And often, instead of independence, they get the same family model, because if you are used to certain prohibitions, then you begin to consider them the norm. "Who called you?", "Why did you come so late?" All our lack of independence comes from childhood …

For many families, curfew is a stumbling block. You need to be at home no later than ten, or twelve, or next Monday, but the main thing is to be at home … And the young lady, quite ripe for independent decisions, is forced to design an evening in order to talk with friends, watch a movie, and taste the pleasures with her beloved man, and, like Cinderella, be home in time before midnight. Until her parents turned her into a pumpkin …

There are not so many main ways and motives for parenting intervention, just analyze which of these options most closely resemble your case, and act accordingly. And if you yourself nervously glance at your watch, expecting a growing child from a walk, then think about whom you care first of all - him or yourself?..

So parental care is:

Taking care of your safety - "going home in the dark can be dangerous."

If your case is similar to this, consider yourself lucky. Your parents are really worried about you. It's worth considering safety precautions that will suit anxious parents and will not strain you too much.

1) Walking alone through dark alleys is really not the best you can think of. Accordingly, agree on who will meet you after a certain time or whether you can provide yourself with an escort.

2) If possible, inform in advance at what hour of which day, at least approximately, you should be expected home. And to the parents' question: "When should we start worrying?" - it is better not to get annoyed: "You don't have to worry at all" and "I'm already a big girl" - but try to show understanding. Because "remaking" parents is a utopia, but you still have to live together.

3) Most young ladies have mobile communications, which tangibly creates the illusion of security. And sometimes not only an illusion. But make sure your parents call you on your cell as needed, not just "how are you?" and "where are you?"

4) And, finally, do I need to report where you are? Practice shows that one way or another it has to be done. The only difference is that telling the truth, the whole truth, and only the truth is possible only in families, where it is not customary to invade each other's private space. One of my acquaintances said at the door: "Bye, mom, I'm going to an orgy …" - not everyone is able to adequately respond to such statements.

Some girls, equally protecting the nerves of their parents and their independence, practice exotic options. For example, they leave their coordinates in a sealed envelope, which is opened if the girl does not appear in any way within, say, two hours after the agreed time. As they say, the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe …

Caring for your peace of mind - "I cannot sleep when you are not at home."

Unlike the previous version, here safety precautions and all agreements are observed. And the parents seem to understand everything, but … they are worried. And they begin to manipulate you on the sly: "You don't want us to drink a sedative all night long ?!" Try to talk about it calmly, without shouting that at your age it is funny to discuss such things. Explain that everything is fine with you, and they are worried completely in vain. If you still do not find understanding, well, you will have to reluctantly do your own thing. Recognizing yourself as the culprit of parental insomnia, of course, is unpleasant, but otherwise you will have to cross-stitch every night instead of feeling the fullness of life.

Taking care of your moral character - "decent girls spend the night at home."

Once I was sitting with a friend in a cafe, at about twelve she called home: "I'm at a party, everything is in full swing, I'll be there in a couple of hours." Noticing my surprise, she explained: "They will never believe me that I am talking to you in a cafe, they will say that I have stayed overnight with some guy, and they will conduct soul-saving conversations about the dangers of promiscuous sex life."

It happens that some things that are acceptable to you in your family are looked at with different eyes. Not all parents are ready to give their maturing daughter money for high-quality cigarettes, offer to hang out alcoholically at home (so as not to drink at the entrances) and tactfully go to visit if their daughter wants to have sex. But you are an adult and you are free to choose your lifestyle. And correlating it with the ideas of your parents is a high art, which you will have to master sooner or later.

If your parents think that spending the night at home, you will not find the opportunity to do what you want, then, naturally, they are mistaken. This is what we should talk about. Try to explain in a gentle way that the time of day does not affect your sex life, and if they are concerned about this particular issue, then they should not cover it up with the problem of returning home in the morning.

The pursuit of home power - "as long as you live in my house, you will come on time."

In addition to regulating your time, there may even be calculations of the effort and money invested in your upbringing and education. Or the requirement to give all the salary. Or constant reproaches that all your friends are already mothers with many children, and you are still not married … It is from such families that they try to leave as soon as possible by getting married. But, as a rule, not having solved one problem, they also get a second one. Fighting home tyranny is hard enough. If it is impossible to find a compromise, then you will have to look for an opportunity to live separately from your parents, and communicate with them only at family celebrations. In any case, having acquired complete material independence, you will feel freer. And try never to transfer such a relationship model to a family that you will create yourself.

On the question of domestic power, I would like to cite an excerpt from the "Bill of Rights" of the American Psychoanalytic Society.

You have the right to:

Once upon a time, your parents also faced similar problems. They also wanted to drink wine until dawn, kiss under the stars and disappear for weeks in an unknown direction. And they, too, sometimes had to make compromises, caring about the not always fair wishes of their parents.

It's just that to achieve real understanding, you always have to take steps towards each other …