A wife or a mother for a husband?

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

“How can this be? I did everything for him! Who was he when we met? Yes, he did not know how to put two words together, I even wrote a diploma for him at the institute, and how many times have I corrected his mistakes in life! And he …”In front of me sits a woman, of course, smart, beautiful, well-groomed, with good taste. And with very angry and hurt eyes.

"I myself" as a way of thinking

There are thousands of such stories. Women are sure that they did the best for their husbands: they shared their experiences, helped them grow up, supported them in difficulties, instilled taste, opened the doors to the world of more subtle feelings - the list can be continued indefinitely. And he, for example, lost interest in her over time. He got a mistress. Went to another - and there may be a list of variations. The bottom line is that he did not appreciate everything that she gave him, did not repay with devotion and loyalty, did not even thank her in words. Sad ending, but absolutely logical. Let's see why.

If in the girl's family the mother was a mother for everyone, both for the children, and for her own husband, then the girl only assimilates this stereotype. It doesn't matter how mature she really is, mentally or physically. The carrier of such a program can be not only the girl's mother, but also her grandmother and aunt. There may be such a plot: the mother of a girl, who finds it difficult to bear the burden of the family alone, from childhood shifts the care of her father or brothers to her growing daughter. And not just the usual everyday care for each other, which should be in every family, the mother conveys to her daughter the confidence in the total male helplessness and stupidity. Then the girl grows up and shifts the version of the relationship "wife - mother for husband" on her personal life.

"Prepare food for dad, he himself can't even fry eggs!" "See if your brother changed his shirt, otherwise he brings it to holes, if not remind me!" And this course of action becomes habitual.

And then everything is really logical: when, over time, the husband begins to more and more catch the mother's notes in the tone and actions of his wife, he loses sexual interest in her. After all, you cannot sleep with your mother - this is written down in the deepest layers of the subconscious. This is how mistresses appear. It happens that the human factor works first. A man gets tired of feeling "unfinished" in the eyes of his wife and is looking for real respect and attention from others, it can be at work, and among friends, or again the notorious mistress.

Life story

Ilona, 38 years old, came against the background of a long conflict with her husband, the marriage was on the verge of divorce for two years, her husband has a mistress. When we began to examine her case, just such an anamnesis surfaced: Ilona always considered her dad to be in need of care, less fit than her mother, who constantly saw his “mistakes” and tried to guide her father. He disappeared for weeks at work, often kept silent at home, hid in his office. It happened that he snapped at his mother, shouting that she had tortured him with her teachings, that he wanted to decide for himself what and how to do, and would do without her comments. His mother persistently tried to prove to him why and in what he was wrong. And sometimes she was silent, but her silence was very contemptuous….

This is the second essential factor in the formation of the "wife as a mother" scenario: superiority. A woman always knows better, she considers herself smarter, more adapted or educated - the list of values is different for each stratum of society - the main thing is what a woman demonstrates to a man, albeit unconsciously: she is above him, she knows what is best.

When you talk to such women, they often do not understand what it is fraught with: after all, for them, behind this constant indication of the husband's shortcomings and mistakes, there is a sincere desire to help him do "what is best." But men perceive it differently.

When Ilona's husband came to the consultation, I heard exactly what I expected: he loved her when they got married, and could not imagine such a development of events - a mistress, an impending divorce. But over time, he began to understand that in the eyes of his wife, he still remains a boy who must be constantly educated and patronized, and he wanted to be respected and accepted for who he is, even if he makes mistakes. Ilona objected: what could she do if initially he was less mature, and if she had not stopped him then … When I later asked her in a personal conversation if she was ready to forgive her husband and start all over again, she did not hesitate said yes. And we began to develop a different strategy of behavior.

Ilona and I examined those mistakes of her husband that could lead, as it seemed to her, to fatal consequences. We simulated every situation, tried to imagine what would have happened if Ilona had abandoned her educational tactics. As a result, Ilona herself came to the conclusion that if she let go of control, would stop pressing with her recommendations, then her husband would just quickly learn to decide a lot and do things right himself, that he would stand stronger on his feet and, most importantly, would cause Ilona herself much more respect in the end. And it probably would not have come to treason in the end.

But there was also something else. The feeling of superiority was rooted in the woman herself.

Self-affirmation at someone else's expense

In her parental family, Ilona did not have the right to vote, did not receive enough respect, her opinion was not really taken into account, constantly criticizing everything - from her actions to her appearance and manner of dress. And from this she brought out a huge feeling of self-doubt - both as a person and as a woman.

And as a result, her own family, her husband became a field for her revenge: she struggled to prove her importance, forced her to reckon with her opinion, in fact, forcing the family to live in accordance only with their plans and attitudes. Interestingly, this did not solve the problem: Ilona admitted that she still felt insecure, and while “correcting” and “educating” her husband, she did not respect and value herself more.

The strategy of behavior "like a mother" arises not only from the absorbed stereotype, but also from the woman's own insecurity. And this is a serious reason to think about whether your superiority is based on an "immature" man? After all, if just such a - albeit really infantile - man came into your life, then how mature are you yourself? Do you not behave yourself as a teenager, trying to defend your rights and by humiliating another to assert yourself at his expense? After all, a truly mature woman has enough self-confidence to attract an equally confident and mature man into her life. Our partner is always given to us for passing some life lessons, and therefore always reflects our own shortcomings in one way or another.

And if you fell in love with a man who is "immature" in your mind, then instead of pressure on him with superiority, try to realize what you have not yet matured yourself in, and try to grow up together.

It's never too late, even at the age at which our heroes are. Now they are trying to walk this path together, and I hope that they will succeed.