Young family: a short guide to problems

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Henry Wheeler Shaw

Writing about the problems of a young family is a trifling matter. You need to remember yourself in your youth, and, to make some generalizing adjustments, call a couple of friends. Abstracting from completely individual difficulties (such as"

Imagine my surprise when, in response to a request for "problems of a young family", search engines gave me a bunch of links to the work of students, candidates for doctors and doctors of sciences themselves; on-line consultations of psychologists, and even the program of regional development "In support of young families"! It turns out that this topic is extremely popular with researchers.

Y-yes. And in my "young family" time, I remember, all the participation of an adult and serious people in such a difficult issue consisted in inviting my husband and me and my infant son to star in the video of one of the candidates for regional deputies, who chose the solution of housing problems as his path to the people. Actually, acting in the video turned out to be a trifling matter - we sat in the 16-meter living room of my mother's "kopeck piece", rocked the stroller, trying not to knock off the spotlights, and answered the questions: "How many of you live in this apartment?" - "Six and two dogs". "Do you have any hope of purchasing your own home?" - "And what another!" - my optimistic husband answered honestly, but was interrupted by the editor. "No, absolutely none," I answered with a proper amount of tragedy in my voice, and my son, who was clearly receiving the Oscar, at that moment cried amazingly loudly and hysterically. The video came out - a feast for the eyes. It's a shame that the candidate did not become a deputy, and for several months we were asked sympathetically on the streets: "So what, they gave you, unfortunate people, an apartment, or what?" Naturally, the second option was correct. And they didn't even pay the fee …

So, the first obstacle to a happy family life will be …

Housing problem

Its meaning: "With a sweetheart paradise and in a hut, if a sweetheart is an attaché" (Trofim)

If you or your future husband (as well as your parents) have any free apartment available, you can skip this section. Unfortunately, the vast majority of young people are not so lucky and their choices are generally limited. You can live with the parents of one of the newlyweds. You can still live with any relatives (like grandparents or cousins). You can visit some friends for a week, others for a week, and so on (until the friends run out). And yet, in fairness, it should be said that sooner or later - even in the most idyllic relationships with relatives (however, this happens rarely at first) a saving thought comes to mind: "You have to live separately!"

And the point here is not only and not so much in economic considerations (of course, living with your parents is much easier in the material sense), but in the fact that until you start living ALONE, there will simply not be a real experience of family relations. And everyday experience, by the way, too. Mom will always feed, dad will hammer in the right nail, you don't even know how to pay rent, electricity and gas. Someone will buy bread and milk and take out the trash.

How to find the coveted home? First, you can rent it until you start earning enough to save up for your own apartment. Secondly, you can try to somehow exchange the parents' housing (if they, of course, agree). Subsequently, you can buy another apartment for your parents. Thirdly, you need to diligently look for ALL possible options for obtaining a loan, housing loans and other achievements of the economic situation in the country. As it turned out, in many regions of the country there are whole programs to support young families (however, in order to take advantage of this very support, you will have to have a child, moreover, have time to do this before reaching the age of 30).

It makes no sense to go over the possible situations for solving the problem, it is better to just remember: the sooner you do it, the better.

Regardless of whether it will be possible or not to solve the housing issue, another one, inexorably impending after the wedding, will be this:

Borrowed life

Its meaning: "There are two tests of a happy marriage: wealth and poverty" (the author of the quote is unknown)

In Hollywood movies, during weddings, priests still say something beautiful like "… to be together in wealth and poverty …" Let's start with the second, because the first is a completely different story. There is always not enough money - this is an axiom. It was put into a more elegant form by Parkinson's second law: "Expenditures tend to equal income." They say that it makes no sense to write down a budget and fix all purchases within a month. Very much even there! It is worth trying it once in your life - you will get an unforgettable feeling from re-reading such a diary at the end of the month. "Ten liters of beer for three people ?!" - "A pair of sandals for … FOR HOW MUCH ???" Passion guaranteed. An empty wallet, however, too.

Perhaps the main mistake that lies in wait for young wives is the holy faith in the principle "What is mine is mine, and what is yours is ours." At the same time, they are not at all embarrassed by the fact that her husband earns a little more than herself (or even less).

Is he Husband now? So let him run after the mammoth. If the husband agrees to this turn of events, there are no problems. If you are not very sure about this, discuss in advance how your family budget is formed. How much money is spent on paying for housing, how much for food, how much for your personal expenses. It is better to make large purchases together - another proven fact.

Question three:

The love boat crashed into everyday life

Its meaning: "You can get along with anyone if you live apart." (Mikhail Zadornov)

In other words: "It is high time to replace the marriage formula of love and fidelity with an oath of readiness to wash dishes and take out the trash." (Leszek Kumor)

Of course, this will not happen to you! The boat will not crash, but it will pat it on the waves of the storm pretty well. And this is an absolute, immutable fact. It is completely incomprehensible how your charming, golden, beloved hubby can not lower the toilet lid behind him, collect dirty socks in a smelly pile at best (at worst, you do it yourself) and secretly breed cockroaches in the kitchen sink, feeding them dried delicacies. A trash can and dirty dishes are symbols of the strength of family ties.

How to proceed? You can set up a cleaning schedule. You can compose the "Rules for Living Together", solemnly read them out loud and sign them in blood. You can buy a washing machine, dishwasher, and install a garbage shredder. Anyway, let something be WRONG. The main principle is to treat these issues with a fair amount of humor, without arguing too hard. For here the fourth problem awaits you:

In disputes, truth is reborn

Its meaning: "Everyone has the right to their own opinion - provided that it coincides with ours." George Bernard Shaw

You can't say better! Both you and your husband think so. And your opinions, meanwhile, differ. What to do? At the same time, mind you, the dispute can arise on a more conceptual occasion than dirty socks under the sofa. You realize with horror that your hubby, who thinks that you are the ideal in everything, calls your beloved Dontsova a read for oligophrenics, looks at your new skirt with genuine horror in his eyes: "Are you going to go in these rags?!" … Well, and etc. What can you say here? The conclusions are unpleasant, but hasty. There is one wonderful rule to follow: " There is no point in arguing with men - they are never right. "(Sari Gabor).

And hold back in an argument. For another saying (in my opinion, absolutely brilliant), reads: "Often the difference between a successful and a failed marriage is three or four unspoken lines every day." (Harlan Miller) … What is the best way to arrange reconciliation? Of course in bed!

Sex and the city, but a small apartment

Meaning: "The war of the sexes is fought with traditional weapons." (Stanislav Jerzy Lec)

The trick is to prevent the war from developing into a protracted one. Until you live together, you simply will not notice any special problems in sex. The joy of novelty is intoxicating and everything seems simple and achievable. Separation a week heats up feelings. But when there is no getting away from each other, sometimes not quite clear and pleasant things come to light. That you have painful periods, and your only desire is to be left alone. That he, it turns out, has to get up early, so he wants to get a good night's sleep, and not waste time on sex. That sometimes the resentment is so strong that you just don't want to go to bed.

The first questions are not fatal - this is just rubbing against each other, recognizing the characteristics of behavior and temperament. As for the resentment - this must be understood and experienced. But never, never do one thing: as our grandmothers and great-grandmothers used to say - do not use sex as an instrument of pressure on your husband. And believe your grandmothers: it will never end well.

… Five difficulties are, of course, not the whole list. Share your problems and ways to solve them - after all, it is very possible that they will help someone in difficult times. And finally - another adage, the author of which is unknown: "You cannot find happiness in marriage if you do not bring it with you." In my opinion, it is not worth decrypting.