Flight to nowhere

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Sometimes I dream that I have wings - real, huge, snow-white wings, which for some reason seem alien and out of habit so heavy on my fragile shoulders. I am standing over a precipice over a chasm leading to nowhere, and trying to figure out how to manage them - after all, I have never done this, although I imagined it countless times. I often ask myself the question - why are we, people, not given to fly, if we have been striving for this for thousands of years? We create superliners and conquer the sky, we launch spaceships and begin to consider ourselves the masters of the depths of the Universe, but we cannot fly - just fly like birds fly ….

I hardly make a sharp wave of my arms, and they immediately fell down, unable to withstand the unusual effort. A slight pain rolls over in a wave, pierces the shoulders, slides down the outstretched arms, freezes for a moment in the fingertips, as if trying by all means to stay in the body, and suddenly immediately recedes, as if to give me the opportunity to try again. For a moment the question “Why?” Rushes through my head, and a barely perceptible desire to leave this venture hits my temple, but I abruptly throw my head back, trying to cast aside doubts - they have no place in my mind, because I have dreamed about it for so long.

I raise my hands again - a little more slowly, putting all my strength into overcoming every centimeter of the space around me and suddenly I realize that I can take off. I spread my wings, awkwardly trying to catch the light wind wandering around, turning slightly left and right, following his breath. He gently ruffles my dark silky hair, flowing like a waterfall over my shoulders, plays with long strands - as if teasing me, wanting to subordinate to his will and at the same time showing what freedom awaits me if I obey him and manage to stay in flight.

After a couple of minutes, I suddenly notice how something inside me begins to change - gradually I even understand the reason for this: the wings have become much lighter. They no longer seem like a stolen foreign object, starting to gradually become part of my own body. And the hands can already move calmly - albeit a little heavier than usual, but rather freely - the movements almost do not cause pain, only pleasant, barely perceptible fatigue remains.

I lean forward a little to see what is under my feet and see a void - an emptiness that stretches several hundred meters down, wrapped in a haze of whitish fog, scattered in patches on the red fragments of rocks that form a corridor for this frightening, descending void …

Emptiness…..

I know - she is waiting for me, calling, beckoning and scaring away at the same time …

I know - it can give the feeling of real freedom of flight, which I have dreamed of for so long, or kill, pull it into my net forever, so as to never let go ….

I know - this emptiness will turn into eternity if, having touched it, you will not be able to escape from its tenacious embrace …

For a second I close my eyes, trying to imagine what awaits me there, far below, behind the pieces of fog at the foot of the rocks, and suddenly I feel scared - really scared. Sticky fear covers my entire body, and I strain, trying to drive it away with an effort of will, and at the same time make the treacherous tremor that pierced the inner side of my palms with invisible lines of a web woven out of this fear disappear. Take a deep breath … I feel a little better and open my eyes wide again.

I have to try - after all, it was about this freedom that I dreamed of for so long, it was for her that I strove with my mind and body … Is it really possible to give up this now - when there is only one step left before it, even if this step may be the last if I will I be too weak to manage this freedom?…. "No, - I say to myself, - You can't refuse"….

I take an uncertain step forward, spread my arms wide, spreading my wings as far as possible, mentally imagining what the movements should be in flight. Late….

Light dizziness and inexorably approaching wisps of fog … For a second, fear flares up in my mind again, forcing me to make an involuntary jerk with my hands.

I make a swing, then another, and suddenly I realize that the space around me is no longer spinning, the emptiness freezes and stops drawing me in. Once again, I raise my hands carefully, and with a sinking heart I enjoy the sensation of lightness throughout my body, which simultaneously mingles with a treacherous tremor in every cell of my being. Gradually, I learn to control the wings, almost without feeling them, I pour into the cool air stream and let my body feel the freedom that I have always dreamed of.

Somewhere far below there are red fragments of rocks with torn pieces of fog, and an endless sky awaits me in front of me. I strive forward, I want to plunge into the azure evenly poured over it, closing my eyes for a second in order to completely surrender to the sensations that overwhelmed me …

I open my eyes and look around in surprise, come to my senses for a few seconds and look in disappointment at the whitening ceiling of the room above me, at the same time trying to come to terms with the fact that it was all just a beautiful dream, which, unfortunately, was not destined to come true - after all I dream so often that I have wings and I can fly….

Albina