Why do we scream at children

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

You cannot raise your voice at children - shouting does not lead to anything good, and this is an axiom. You can read about this in any modern book on psychology and education. However, in practice, advice from books is completely inapplicable. Children are sometimes completely unbearable, and it is so difficult to contain the irritation! To stop in time, you need to understand why we yell at children.

I scream because I endured for a long time

Irina, 35 years old:

- My daughter has a difficult character. She is only 7 years old, but she is already fighting for her rights. That is, she will not eat, she will not read this, she will not go there. I keep myself in control for a long time, looking for compromises. But after a while I "explode" - I find a reason for a scandal and start yelling.

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky:

- Many parents accumulate aggression and then “explode”. Suddenly, all sorts of accusations fall on the child, for which he is not at all ready. When we endure for a long time, and then break down, the child cannot understand us - "why did they suddenly yell at me?" Adults must learn to communicate diplomatically with the child. We must conduct a dialogue, be able to insist on our own calmly, without shouting and pretensions. As with any other person. And sudden outbursts of rage look inadequate in the eyes of the child, he is frightened.

I scream until the first tears

Elena, 27 years old:

“If my four-year-old is behaving badly, I can raise my voice to him. He gets even more turned on by screaming - he starts to do everything in spite. Because of this, I throw up a scandal: when my son openly tries to annoy him, it is impossible to restrain himself. I only calm down when he starts crying. I immediately want to hug him, hug him and forgive everything. It turns out that the son can achieve what he wants with the help of tears.

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky:

- Some mothers are "fed" by the tears of the child. They themselves provoke them to violent emotions and calm down only when they receive them. Mothers are waiting for tears, fear, resentment. Over time, children are more and more amenable to provocations. They develop such a model of behavior with a parent, when they are supposed to cry. Screams "until the first tears" may indicate hysterical neurosis and other disorders in the mother. It is better to turn to a specialist - it is difficult to cope with neuroses alone.

I scream because he drives me

Julia, 34 years old:

- My son is 5 years old. He is an intelligent, active boy. But we have one problem: every evening the child makes a scene out of the blue. As soon as you ask him to brush your teeth and go to bed, he starts stamping his feet and yelling: "I will not do anything!" In this state, it is difficult to calm him down. It happens that a child rolls scenes on the street - demanding a gift or sweets, he can make a terrible scandal. It's hard for me not to answer with shouts - after all, this is what he achieves.

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky:

- The demonstrative behavior of the child is often perceived by the parents as ordinary disobedience. It seems to mothers that the child wants to achieve his goal at all costs. But it is not so. Children love to behave demonstratively, to arrange performances with tears. Thus, they provoke parents to violent emotions, like those that Elena gave out, screaming until the first tears of children. The fact is that any theatrical performance requires an audience. Without the audience in the face of the mother, the child calms down, stops yelling. In other cases, the baby sees that the provocation was a success and that he knows how to manipulate the feelings of the parents. Just try to leave the room while the baby is yelling. Wait a couple of minutes - soon he will calm down. The child will understand that provocations are meaningless.

I scream because they scream at me

Maria, 32 years old:

- Unfortunately, my six-year-old daughter caught a showdown between me and her husband at an early age. This is a terrible mistake on our part - we quarreled in front of her. However, the past cannot be returned, and the consequences are manifested. The girl can suddenly flare up, cry, even attack me with clenched fists. I try to be silent, but when the child attacks me myself, you can't do without screaming.

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky:

- Parents with a conflicting nature always transfer their characteristics to their children. Usually this problem is passed down from generation to generation: the grandmother yelled at the mother and at the husband, the mother yelled at the father and the child. As a result, the child grows up either with victim syndrome or also with conflict. Both scenarios are unfavorable: the child-“victim” will look for those people who will be able to put pressure on him. He will grow up limp, weak and intimidated. Or the conflicted kid himself will start looking for reasons to cry. He will yell at both parents and peers. Such a chain is difficult to break without the help of a specialist. Here you need a family consultation with a psychologist.

I'm screaming because I'm afraid for the child

Natalia, 39 years old:

- I am constantly afraid for my youngest daughter. She's eight years old. She loves to jump off curbs, climb trees, play football with the boys. She's covered in bruises. As a child, she broke her arm. I'm afraid that the child will harm himself because of the activity. I can’t help myself - when my girl comes out to play, I start to scandal.

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky:

- Overprotection harms the child no less than indifference. When children grow up, their parents intimidate them: "don't go there - you will fall, don't touch it - you will scratch yourself" and so on. Until a child experiences it all, parental warnings mean nothing to him. Later, when children grow up and begin to learn what pain is and what the consequences are from carelessness, they themselves learn to learn lessons. Be sure: parents take care of children not out of crazy love for them, but out of selfish feelings - mothers want to be less nervous. In addition, the screaming of the mother provokes much more severe pain than falling off the bike. Learn to trust your baby: like any sane person, he will not intentionally harm himself. Of course, if a child runs under a car or plays with matches, urgent action is needed. But when you control his active shouting games, the child becomes nervous and "jittery".