Cuckoos are among us. Why do women abandon children?

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

A cuckoo is a bird that tosses its eggs into the nests of other birds. This is often called in common parlance for women who left their children in the care of relatives, friends, or simply abandoned them. Most believe that only people from socially disadvantaged, marginal strata who did not grow up in normal conditions do this. But meanwhile, cuckoos appear in quite prosperous families. Although outwardly, all the decencies seem to be observed.

Most people who experience this behavior of a woman tend to condemn her. But each phenomenon has its own reasons - is it only the heartlessness and spinelessness of the mother of the children? Let's try to analyze why women abandon their children.

There are two motives in the story that are characteristic of such stories. The first "alarm signal" is a marriage initiated by a woman.

She is focused on conquering a man, she seeks to bind him to herself in all ways. And all her behavior is imbued with one desire - to prove to him that he needs her. As a result, children from the object desired by the mother turn into a means.

Interestingly, in families where parents divorce early and the child stays with the mother, such scenarios almost never arise. The "cuckoo script" is turned on when the husband is near, but remains not attached to the family in soul and body. He is, as it were, a constant peak that must be conquered, a closed door to which you constantly have to pick up the keys. Thus, he keeps the focus of attention on his person - otherwise why would he allow himself to be “ringed”? Often, internally not mature enough men of this type prefer to be chosen. Indeed, on the one hand, they can then shift the lion's share of the responsibility onto the woman (it was her initiative!), On the other, they can, with the help of their insufficient openness and inner "inaccessibility", satisfy the narcissistic desire to constantly be the center of attention of another person. They draw off the woman's strength and thereby contribute to the abandonment of children.

A woman, confident that her husband has chosen her deliberately, after the birth of a child plunges into maternal experiences, which lay the foundation for her future attachment to the child. And even if the lack of attention of the spouse causes conflicts in the family, the problems are generally surmountable.

Here, the situation is different: the “eternally inaccessible” husband actually does not allow the mother to concentrate on the child, constantly provoking her to jealousy, worries, that is, pulling off the woman’s emotions in every possible way. She, in turn, feels that her husband is a weak link in her life, that he is not convinced of her need. Meanwhile, the child can be postponed "for later" - after all, the mother can have no doubts about her need for the child! And the connection between them is becoming more and more conditional. Especially when the grandmother takes the place of the mother - and this is the second important factor in the "cuckoo scenario".

A strong, domineering mother, even if she does not reproach, but simply constantly worries about her daughter and constantly strives to lend a shoulder, is also a risk factor. After all, this is a whole skill - to help your child become an adult, and in order for this to happen, you need to be able to let him go from making his mistakes, be responsible and cope with failures. Those mothers who do not understand this well, as a rule, develop in their daughters the feeling that there is always someone behind them, there is always someone to shift the responsibility onto. Therefore, you do not have to grow up. For the maternal instinct to turn on in the daughter, it must be freed from the pressure of the mother's instinct.

Often we had to observe situations when women in the presence of such powerful mothers, although they did not abandon their children, could not establish relations with them. They had no authority in the eyes of children, they could not explain anything to children. The child feels that his own mother is perceived by someone more powerful at about the same level as him, the child. And so the mother-child relationship does not work out.

Leaving her child, a woman subconsciously seeks to solve two problems: she cuts off the obsessive attention of the mother from herself and gets rid of the mission, for which she was initially not ready due to her too close connection with her mother. Thus, she kind of gives herself a second chance to grow up, although this happens, alas, at the expense of the child's distorted childhood. And therefore, before making a decision about children, it is not superfluous to think again: who will this child be for you, is he a goal or a means, and how adult and independent are we, his parents?