Family life crises

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Surprisingly, it is true: no matter how many times we get married, family crises occur at the same time, if we count from the date of the beginning of married life. Moreover, even the causes of conflicts and topics of quarrels remain practically unchanged. From which two conclusions follow at once. The first (and consoling): there are no guilty ones here, and there is no point in looking for them. The second (and let's say, philosophical): since they are inevitable, you should at least be ready for this.

My colleague has been constantly in deep sadness lately. What, in fact, can plunge a pretty young woman, who has a beautiful baby, a loving husband and a well-established career, into such a state? It turned out that the relationship with her husband had changed. He has become completely indifferent to the child and generally prefers a sole pastime to communicating with his family. And most importantly, his behavior changed suddenly, for no apparent reason. Any conversations and admonitions do not lead to anything, and the cooling only intensifies. The poor thing at some point even began to talk about divorce, but it's good that, as a sensible woman, she found the strength to turn to a specialist. The psychologist reminded her of the well-known timing of the onset of family crises, which, by all indications, came in the family of my colleague.

The crisis, like any scientifically described phenomenon, has its own characteristics. Check, perhaps, fights with your loved one last week are signs of impending problems?

Crisis symptoms

• The complete absence of quarrels between spouses, or, conversely, the number of quarrels exceeds the permissible limits.
• When partners discuss their problems, the debate is not constructive: each is tuned in to his own and does not try to understand the other.
• In communication, defensive-aggressive reactions predominate; everyone sees in the other the culprit of the conflict; each seeks to force the other to do his own thing.
• Stubborn avoidance of sex by one of the partners.
• Your husband is being pushed out of the decision-making area by you.
• The husband himself removes himself from solving everyday problems. It goes into itself.
• Obsession with one topic (especially if this topic is a discussion of the affairs of a child) or, conversely, deathly silence.
• The wife stops thinking about herself and devotes herself entirely to her family, thereby turning from a woman into a draft horse.
• Workaholism. Most often, those who do not manage to assert themselves in the family, especially men, suffer from this.

Crises in family life also have their own frequency. This does not mean that every family must necessarily have problems within a predetermined time frame. But if suddenly some oddities appeared in the behavior of a partner, then it is worth considering whether they are connected precisely with the fact that the time has come for a crisis?

First year and first family crisis. It is caused by the difficulties of mutual grinding. Everything is clear here: the husband is a "lark", the wife is an "owl". He throws things around, she hates mess. He is tight-fisted, she is wasteful. Etc. If people really love, then this crisis is easily overcome.

Three to four years. Firstborn crisis. The woman is absorbed in pregnancy, then in the baby. The husband, in turn, lacks female attention, he is jealous of his wife for the child. A man is not sexually satisfied, sees more and more flaws in his wife, gets annoyed and may decide to cheat. The wife is nervous, tormented by suspicion and scandal. If a woman can find the strength in herself and pay attention to her husband, or at least explain that less attention does not mean less love, then the crisis is also resolved.

Five years. Return crisis. The reason for the beginning of this crisis can be provided by a woman. At this time, she returns to an active professional and social life after the birth of a child. And he begins to understand that he is not doing much. She is faced with an almost impossible task: to maintain comfort in the house, pay attention to her child and husband, fulfill her duties at work and look the way she wants. A new life after a forced seclusion may be accompanied by a woman's acute need for fresh emotional experiences. This leads to female infidelity just in the fifth year of family life.

Irina, 32 years old, 1 child, office manager: "Returning to work after 2 years devoted to the child was for me like moving to another, amazing and diverse world. And the people I met at a new job seemed completely wonderful, unlike others, and even more so my husband, who was always irritated and tired. Perhaps that is why the romance that I started with my leader was logical. Fortunately, the impression of novelty quickly passed and I realized what to ruin what I have, for the sake of something that may not yet work out, is not worth it."

Well, what can I advise here? Men, be extremely attentive to us, and, perhaps, a lot can be corrected!

Seven years. Monotony crisis. At this time, everything in the family is already adjusted: everyday life, intimate relationships, communication, work. Statistics show that at this stage women are most often the initiators of divorce. The husband and wife are already fed up with each other. Most men complain that their wives have ceased to share their hobbies, they ignore romantic impulses. And they make connections on the side: mistresses make you feel like hunters again. At the same time, the "traitor" does not even think about parting with his wife, and with a serious threat of exposure, he easily part with his mistress. A man cannot so easily destroy a house, a family, a habitual way of life, he too values his efforts spent on creating all this.

Anastasia, 33 years old, two children, department director: “We lived with my husband for 10 years, gave birth to two children, and, frankly, the people around us had something to envy. to please everything, there was a feeling that I had never really loved and would hardly experience the feeling that is described in the books. That's when HE appeared. 10 years older, wiser, and most importantly, he treated me like a husband I didn’t treat it for a long time. I cared and worried, was interested in every little thing in my life, I was ready to step over public opinion, if only we were together. If it were not for the children, I would have left my husband and went to him without hesitation. But a year ordeals, when I had to live in two houses, deceive my husband and hardly see the children, made a happy woman a ruin. I returned to my family, which, perhaps, I will regret."

And we, women, also need to appreciate what has been achieved, which means that we must fight monotony and monotony for our men. It is not for nothing that they say: "Better disgrace than monotony!"

Fourteen years old. The 40-year-old crisis. Even if the spouses have lived in perfect harmony for many years, then closer to 40 years they have the most important crisis. In women, it can be associated with an approaching menopause, deterioration of character, increased irritability. Almost any experienced couple experiences sexual and emotional stagnation. On average, every fifth man between the ages of 40 and 50 remarries. More than half marry women 15-20 years younger than them, others change one partner after another. It is believed that the "rebellion of the forties" is a male version of menopause, a reaction to hormonal changes, but most scientists believe that banal fear is to blame for everything. A man begins to realize that life is passing, nothing new and unusual will happen, old age is ahead. Such reflections lead to latent neuroses.

And the simplest and most effective way to deal with fear is to create the illusion of youth. Unfortunately, there is not much to advise here. The midlife crisis, as modern doctors say, is the lot of both men and women. Therefore, if after the children have grown up, you can find the strength and desire to interest each other, then it means that you can withstand this crisis with honor. But this is possible only with mutual desire and joint efforts.

Family life crises are objective. But the ways to overcome them are also objective. And if you do it on time, consciously and together, then you should succeed. And some of our tips will certainly help with this.