Two women and one man

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Who are the most jokes about? Who is the undisputed champion for the number of these shortest evidences of the human mind (and malice)? Mother-in-law! And why in all stories and anecdotes it is the wife's mother who always gets it?

"

- Gogi drowned his mother-in-law. Givi strangled his mother-in-law. And I'm tebya a-t-start!"

And no matter how I strain my brains, I can't remember anything like that about mother-in-law. But this substance is much more belligerent. She is attached to her husband as a hefty makeweight. You take your husband - take his mother too.

The girl gets married. She is full of expectations to become the one and only for her beloved. She strives in every possible way to create a strong marital bond, trying to foresee and fulfill the wishes of her husband … And then suddenly she discovers that she was the third in the boat. It turns out that she has a RIVAL - a woman who gave birth, raised and raised her husband. She was with him all day, she nursed him, suffered, sacrificed something for him … She remembers all his illnesses - from diathesis at 2 to a fracture of the collarbone at 20. She, none other, sat over him at night when he burned in scarlet fever; smeared her lips with water when he woke up from the operation. And although she knew that the day would come when her son would leave home, marry and start a family of her own, emotionally she was not ready for this. She invested so much effort and money in it that it takes her time to get used to the new situation. Even "normal" mothers who want one thing - that their children were happy, feel that they have received a blow, seeing their son go somewhere with this windy laughing, his wife. And it is difficult for her to realize that in the criteria for evaluating women that the newlywed uses, his mother serves as a role model for him, and the house created by the mother is likely to coincide with his idea of what a family "nest" should be. This becomes the subject of marital discussions, during which the husband says: "And my mother did it this way." About everything - housekeeping, recipes for cooking, raising children, and so on.

For the newlywed, her mother-in-law, even under the most favorable circumstances, is a thundercloud hanging over her head, because she is the standard by which she is judged, the criterion of measures. And, it seems, she will never compare with this sample. So in a young wife, self-doubt is growing, and at the same time - a conflict situation, which entails the emergence of tense relations between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, and sometimes the threat of an emerging marital intimacy

Meanwhile, there are several rules, observing which, any young woman can acquire a reliable Cerberus in the person of her mother-in-law for her family. You just need to avoid making the mistakes that a young daughter-in-law usually makes. A medical psychologist, a family psychotherapist helps us to comment on the situation.

Mistake 1. My mom is better

The young settled with the wife's parents. It is more convenient for her: her mother is always there, she will help, if anything. And there are less household loads. Only with her husband, not everything is all right. He began to distance himself more and more from his spouse. Home almost never happens: sometimes he stays at work for a long time, then meets with friends.

Conversations with the mother-in-law leave a heavy residue on the soul. She calls only in order to express further claims to her daughter-in-law. The mother is sure that the wife does not appreciate her son and does not love him, so it is better for them to divorce.

A married couple must live in the wife's family. This significantly lowers the status of the husband in the eyes of both loved ones and those around him. Then he tries in every way to improve it. It's good if it comes down to pursuing a career and higher earnings. But often he seeks recognition of his merits from friends, over a bottle or from another woman. The mother-in-law is not in vain worried about her son.

Mistake 2. I will help her in everything

The young people live with their husband's parents, but the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law cannot get along with each other, although the daughter-in-law tries to take an active part in household chores. One has her own ideas about life, the other has her own. The mother-in-law is jealous of her household and wants everything in the house to go as before. And the daughter-in-law, as they say, "with her own charter …". Therefore, she does everything "wrong": she does not wash well, does not iron smoothly, and does not cook well. The mother-in-law tries to teach her, but she resists. Kitchen squabbles sometimes turn into real scandals, which are happening more and more often.

The mother-in-law is the mistress of the house. She is not obliged to give her daughter-in-law her role. A young woman must come to terms with this and accept the rules dictated by her mother-in-law. Here the daughter-in-law is a child, and from her position she can derive certain advantages. Less messing around at the blacksmith's and letting the mother-in-law manage the household the way she likes. The only thing that should not be allowed is her interference in the privacy of their family.

In general, an unwritten rule that everyone knows, but the sacred meaning of which cannot be overestimated: you need to live with your mother-in-law separately. Even if you want to get her so that she agrees to the division of the apartment.

Mistake 3. She will replace my mother

A woman who has not received tenderness and affection from her mother in childhood transfers all the power of daughter's love to her mother-in-law. This happens if the girl grew up in an orphanage or her own mother was simply very cold with her. The daughter-in-law is in dire need of mother's love and finds it in her husband's family. From the very first day she calls her mother-in-law "mom", catches her every word on the fly, they live in complete harmony and harmony.

In this, it would seem, there is nothing wrong, but a trap lies in wait for them. At first, the mother-in-law is associated with all the best that is associated with mother. And over time, the daughter-in-law begins to project onto her the negative potential that she has accumulated with resentment against her mother. Sooner or later, all this results in a conflict, and two women begin to win over to their side the most dear to both - a son and a husband.

The relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law must have certain boundaries. In this case, the daughter-in-law expects the same affection from her mother-in-law as she should have received from her own mother. But she has already fulfilled her maternal duty by raising her son, and is not obliged to love her daughter-in-law like her own daughter. When the boundaries between them are erased, the situation becomes explosive.

Mistake 4. She is to blame for all our troubles

Mother-in-law often, without knowing it, serve as a "lightning rod" for daughters-in-law. They have to "pay off" for everything that happens in the bad house. No matter how angry the daughter-in-law may be at her husband, she does not allow conflicts with him, but she cruelly "takes revenge" on his mother. The life of such a mother-in-law is, frankly, hard. The son has no complaints about his wife: having directed all the negative energy to the mother-in-law, she almost never swears with him. He considers feminine strife to be an ordinary "woman's affair" and does not want to know what battles are being played out over him.

Blaming others for your failures is a sign of psychological immaturity. You yourself chose the person you married, so you must be responsible for this, as well as for your family life. If your mother-in-law interferes too violently in your life, try to limit her influence on the family, and it will become psychologically easier for her herself. The son and grandchildren will have more respect for the mother and grandmother, who has her own interests.

Mistake 5. Grandmother should not interfere with raising grandchildren

Despite her bad relationship with her daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law adores her grandchildren, spends a lot of time with them and emphasizes in every possible way that she knows best how to raise them. The child, having the opportunity to constantly choose between the opinion of his mother and grandmother, becomes capricious, spoiled, constantly playing on the weaknesses of adults. And the mother-in-law considers it possible to interfere in the life of the daughter-in-law, because she feels that she is constantly rendering services to her.

In order not to be obliged to the mother-in-law, you need to tactfully find the most convenient forms for rewarding her labor. Perhaps money, gifts, or household help. At the same time, it would be good to limit her sitting time with the child at the expense of a nanny or a kindergarten. But in order not to offend the mother-in-law, strong enough arguments are required. For example, the grandmother is now very tired, and the child has grown up and must get used to communicating with peers, in addition, they will be specially engaged with him.