New marriage - old mistakes

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

What if your relationships with men don't work out, and families fall apart like houses of cards? Yes, maybe you choose the wrong men. Or maybe you make the same habitual mistakes year after year? Let's consider three of the most common problems.

Relationship manager

After the divorce, Alena spoke with feeling to all her friends: “So that I once again let my husband sit on his neck? Never! The catastrophic inability of her ex-husband to everyday life has long been included in friendly jokes. After Stasik burned the expensive pots given to him for the wedding, tore the hose at the vacuum cleaner and for some reason filled the toilet with rags, Alena stopped letting him do any household work. Six months later, on weekends, Stasik smacked his wife, who was cleaning, and flew away for a walk. When the veil fell from Alena's eyes, and somewhere deep inside the thought of injustice appeared, she tried to shift some of the worries about the house onto her husband, promising to teach him everything. But … Stasik skillfully dodged homework until his wife became an ex by filing for divorce.

Alena quickly found a new wife. Before going to the registry office, she made a detailed list of household chores and, together with Nikita, divided it equally. Alena carefully monitored that the newly-made husband performed his labor duties. She hung over the man like a vulture and demanded a report on the homework done. Very soon in new marriage scandals began, and at friendly gatherings Alena again began to talk about her unhappy fate.

What actually happened? Life in Alena's families was only an indicator of distorted relations. In fact, in both marriages, the wife played the role of a mother. Only in the first case it was a kind mother who could easily be fooled, and in the second - a picky and too demanding mother.

Such women subconsciously choose their husbands who are looking for maternal traits in their wife. It would seem, what is wrong with a “mother-son” relationship if both partners are satisfied with this? But in such a family, both husband and wife will feel left out.

Over time, sex life will come to naught, because the subconscious mind signals: having sex with mom or son is taboo! The wife-mother will lack the support of a person equal to her, and the husband-son will want to feel like an adult. And when one of the partners outgrows their role, the family is likely to fall apart.

Husband as the center of the universe

After work, Sveta did not linger for a minute: "I can't, girls, I can't, I need to cook dinner." She recorded football matches, if Alexei did not have time to watch them. I went on weekends with a backpack to nature, and on vacation I climbed the mountains. She began going to a climbing studio and "cut off" her long manicure, over which she was shaking until she was married. “Well, of course, the family should live by common interests,” she shrugged her shoulders in response to the puzzled remarks of her friends. She has long ceased to be invited to go shopping or sit in a cafe. All the time Sveta was busy with Lesha and family life.

When Alexei demanded a divorce, it came as a complete surprise to everyone. “He is now dating another,” Sveta said. And she added in bewilderment: "And on New Year's they fly to rest in Egypt." There was so much misunderstanding in her eyes that I wanted to immediately find Alexei and slap him in the face. How could you not appreciate such dedication ?! The next time I heard about the Light was only a few years later. I was told that now she goes to the hippodrome, where her man is engaged in equestrian sports.

What actually happened? “Honey, I will become my shadow” is not the first generation of women singing. Sveta is one of those girls who dissolve in relationships. They lose their own "I", they forget about their desires and needs. In essence, they are living the life of another person.

Having got married, Sveta ceased to exist as a person. Such a partner is, of course, very comfortable, and at first they value him as … a comfortable sofa. But in a relationship, not only comfort is valuable, but also communication with another person. Others, not your own shadow. Sveta stopped appreciating her "I", and Alexei did the same: he stopped appreciating her too. He became uninteresting with her.

The main mistake of such women is that in the next relationship they try even more to please their men. It seems to them that they did something wrong, and therefore they try to be even more helpful. There is only one solution to the problem: to become the main thing for yourself. Do not guess what your husband wants, but listen to what you want.

In a still whirlpool …

When filing for divorce, Anyuta expressed such a huge heap of claims to her husband that everyone was just astonished. And most of all - the husband himself. "Did it annoy you that I called you baby doll?" - muttered Sasha. - "But I didn't know!" There was a feeling that Anna, it turns out, was annoyed by almost everything during the years of her married life. Always calm, smiling girl, as if she fell off the chain. She shouted: "I can't take IT anymore!" - and frantically packed her suitcases. The list of "it" was huge. When the former spouses parted, Anya again became a quiet, calm woman. After living alone for six months, Sasha decided to talk. Nobody knows what exactly happened that evening between them, but after a few months Anya and Sasha came to visit me together. Everything was almost the same. But … almost exactly. When her ex-husband said: “We will definitely watch the last Terminator,” Anya suddenly objected: “I don’t want to. I don't like action films."

What actually happened? The partner has one way to understand what we like and what we don't. And we ourselves give this key to him when we express our opinion on this or that issue. You say: “I am annoyed by loud music in the morning,” and your partner can now decide whether to listen to music with headphones or ignore your opinion.

Anya, guided by the principle, “A loved one must be loved, and not changed for oneself,” accumulated all the claims in herself. But, naturally, after a few years, everything that had been accumulated at once burst out. And we must pay tribute to her husband, who found the strength for a second attempt. The main thing that he needed to explain to Ana: her opinion, her feelings are very important to him.

Unfortunately, situations where one partner does not take care of himself, fearing to be alone or not wanting to be considered a petty nit-picker, are quite common in families. And when an explosion occurs, the second spouse is usually very surprised at the vastness of the claims and offended that the loved one did not trust him, not giving the slightest chance to make himself happy.