10 myths about divorce

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Throughout life, the barometer of marital happiness fluctuates extremely unevenly. Still would! There is nothing more fragile than human relationships. It would seem that only yesterday there was love, passion, and today - hatred, indifference and a mutual desire to disperse. This method of solving marital problems is chosen by half of the couples. Before joining their ranks, it will not be superfluous to find out what persistent myths distort our ideas about divorce as such.

Myth 1. Re-marriages are stronger

This myth is based on the assumption that people learn by hard experience. However, practice refutes this judgment. The likelihood of divorce in repeated marriages is much higher. And the point is that a person has already determined his tastes and preferences. And it turns out that each next partner is painfully similar to the previous one. In men, this "stability" is most often manifested in connection with the external appearance of the chosen ones. Women, as a rule, “get hung up” on certain qualities of their beloved. Unfortunately, these qualities often turn out to be negative, and the victim of their own subconscious attitudes can only wonder why these are all her husbands or alcoholics, or drug addicts, or womanizers, or losers. There is nothing to be surprised at: psychologists are well acquainted with this phenomenon. We attract a certain type of people to us, and it happens that it turns out to be not entirely positive. To break out of the "vicious circle" and stop a series of "similar" partners, you need to take a closer look at yourself and determine what attracts you so much in some unpleasant persons.

Myth 2. Loneliness is an unbearable condition for a person

A number of studies have led scientists to conclude that loneliness is just as dangerous to health as smoking.

Perhaps this is due to the fact that single people tend to lead a less healthy lifestyle. They drink more (since they are more often in companies), skip meals (especially breakfast), and work harder (since no one is waiting for them at home). Loneliness inflicts an especially crushing blow on bachelors after thirty years.

There is only one recipe - to find yourself a pair. The fate of those who "did not find" is unenviable and has been well studied by our cinema. The screen has shown us more than once how lonely men get drunk, and women, putting a tear in their pillow, run to post up advertisements: "A lonely woman wants to get to know each other." But before grabbing ads, know: the statement "about the dangers of loneliness" has a very clear gender differentiation. Lonely men, indeed, live less than their married counterparts, but single women, on the contrary, live longer than their "ringed" girlfriends. What's the matter is not difficult to guess. Single men drink more, eat irregularly and have promiscuous sex lives. But the absence of a husband removes a lot of additional loads from women.

Myth 3. Living together before marriage reduces the likelihood of divorce

In fact, the likelihood of divorce in this case is even higher. Rather, the likelihood is lower that relations will ever go official. In the best case, cohabitation will acquire the status of a civil marriage and thus will last for a very long time. At worst, which, unfortunately, happens more often, the "unregistered" spouses will eventually scatter in different directions, since in the course of their "civil" residence they will subconsciously begin to perceive marriage as something temporary and unstable. Psychologists advise not to drag out the premarital period for more than four years. During this time, people have time to "get used to it", but do not have time to get bored with each other. You should not particularly hope that living together will allow you to get to know your betrothed better. A person is a changeable creature, over the years, the habits of your spouse and your attitude towards them can change repeatedly. For a successful marriage, it is not so much the length of the preparatory period that is important, but the desire and ability of the spouses to make concessions and compromises in the relationship.

Myth 4. After a divorce, a woman's standard of living falls, while a man's - rises

More recently, scientists have calculated that a woman's income level falls by only 27%, while that of a man's only rises by 10%. But the researchers did not take into account that the "levels" are different. For VIP families, this ratio may be true. Especially if the husband is an oil tycoon, and the wife is a housewife or socialite. Having no funds of their own, these ladies, after a divorce, are completely dependent on the content that their ex-husband will assign them. And no matter how big it is, they still lose in income. However, housewives have a hard time in any case. After all, husbands for them are the only source of existence (for the sake of justice, it should be noted, a very unreliable source) and its loss for her is significant. But in families of medium and low income, most of the family budget is eaten up, and by the same man. Usually a single working woman can afford much more female pleasures, as she saves on food.

Myth 5. Having a baby prevents divorce

This is the most widespread and most enduring myth. It was born during the time of rabid patriarchy (when the right of inheritance was extremely important) and has survived safely to this day (not without the help of Brazilian TV series). Placing high hopes on childbirth in general, a woman automatically includes in the spectrum of her desires and the opportunity to correct her husband or improve her relationship with him. At the same time, completely overlooking the fact that the process of procreation carries somewhat different tasks. Even the sobering reality does not interfere with the belief in the "miracle of the birth of man". Observing how families around, despite the presence of children, collapse, everyone is sure that this will never happen to her, and grabs the pregnancy as the last chance to keep the family together. But this succeeds only if the feelings between the spouses, although they entered a crisis, are still alive.

Myth 6. Scandals and conflicts inevitably lead to divorce

In principle, it is true. For most people, long-term existence in "storm" mode is impossible.

A skirmish for breakfast, a scandal for lunch, a brawl for dinner - such a routine can kill any feelings.

Especially if only one of the spouses is distinguished by a scandalous disposition, and the second plays the role of a buffer. But if both spouses have an explosive temperament, the action may develop differently. And, to the surprise of witnesses, the violent scandals of such couples do not end with a meeting of lawyers, but not with a less violent reconciliation. But it is better to stay away from family showdowns of such couples. This is exactly the case when "husband and wife are one Satan." What can you do, a marriage "made in heaven" is not always a quiet, cozy nest. It happens that feelings, hardened in family battles, happily live up to the golden wedding.

Myth 7. For children, it is better for parents who have lost love to separate

It is better if parents in relation to each other behave in a completely obscene manner. Or one of the parents suffers from some kind of defect (alcoholism, drug addiction, mental disorders). For the rest, children usually advocate the preservation of the family, even just as an appearance. With babies, everything is clear: they love both parents equally, and it is difficult for them to survive the loss of one of them. But adolescents have more complex motivation. On the threshold of adulthood, it is very important for them to maintain their social status. An incomplete family is not prestigious and, moreover, is fraught with material difficulties, which also undermines the position of a teenager in his environment. Therefore, a child who already understands everything is in no hurry to bless the divorce of his parents, but insists on preserving the marriage. And if this does not succeed, using the right to choose, he may not be left with the parent whom he loves more, but with the one who is better provided for.

Myth 8. Men are more likely to leave the family

For a long time it was so. A woman, being in a position of economic, social and moral dependence on a man, rarely decided to leave the family. A marriage usually fell apart only when the man himself wanted it. But even he found it difficult to get a divorce. For a woman, this step was tantamount to civil death. Now everything is different: two thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. Moreover, this is typical for the entire civilized world (with the exception of Muslim countries).

The sexual revolution scattered the idea of compulsory female chastity, and equality gave women financial independence. But the desire to have a family and a reliable man over the centuries has not diminished at all, but the desire to endure male indecent behavior has significantly diminished.

Myth 9. Late marriages are more durable

It is assumed that with age, a person gains experience, and therefore becomes more tolerant and unassuming. It also seems to us that over the years of "search and wandering" clear views on cohabitation should have already been formed, tastes and desires regarding the opposite sex should be established. And nevertheless, marriages concluded before the age of thirty are twice as durable as marriages, when the spouses are already far beyond … This is explained by the fact that the "mature" psyche, indeed, more resistant to life's cataclysms, at the same time is less susceptible to everything new. Over time, a person loses plasticity and it becomes difficult for him to part with his habits and adapt to his partner. And a single life, I must say, is extremely addictive. Whatever they tell us about the joys of family life, marriage is hard work. And if an extravagant youth rushes into the "marriage pool" without looking back, then maturity will think hard: is it worth it to strain.

Myth 10. The largest number of divorces occurs in the first three years of marriage

The first years of marriage are undoubtedly a difficult test for newlyweds. They still know little about family life, but they are ready to fiercely defend their interests. From the quarrels shaking a young family, it seems, only two steps to a divorce. However, statistics show that young spouses do not at all seek to break off their marital obligations.

The number of divorces by the number of years lived is distributed as follows: up to a year - 3.6%, from 1 to 2 years - 16%, from 3 to 4 years - 18%, from 5 to 9 years - 28%, from 10 to 19 years - 22% and more years - 12.4%.

From these data, one can trace how the strength of marital ties depends on the extinction of feelings. What to do, with the loss of love, we become less tolerant. The peak of divorce occurs at 5-9 years old, when the ardor of love passion has already passed, and you want to shake up the hormones. The most dangerous period in the life of a family is when the spouses are between 20 and 35 years old (the period of the most active person). After 35 years, the number of divorces is declining. At this age, Mrs. Habit takes power into her own hands.

A person cannot live without myths and fairy tales. There is nothing you can do about it, and you don’t need to. It's important to just know where fiction ends and reality begins. And if you are firmly resolved to divorce, you need to have a clear idea of why you are doing this and what can come of it.