Questions to the sexologist. "My masochistic fantasies scare me."

2024 Author: James Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 14:00

Letter to the editor of "Cleo"

Evgeniy Kulgavchuk, sexologist, psychotherapist:

- Anna, in your case, sexuality has become associated with something bad, shameful. You are trying to avoid normal sexual relationships. Seeking to be deceived is an attempt to enjoy yourself by relinquishing responsibility. By the same mechanism, there are fantasies of rape. And many patients in this case also say that they would not have dared to do this experiment. I think you need to work out the feeling of guilt for your sexuality, to place the right associations. In such cases, the work takes only 2-3 months. And you can start living! And if you have written, then you are ready to part with the problem. And this is already a good start.

Irina Vorontsova, psychologist:

- First, you should understand that having masochistic fantasies is not a pathology. Many women have them. And it is better if they are realized in sex than, for example, in a relationship with a boss at work. If these fantasies exist, they must be realized somewhere. If you choose not to give them sex, they will work in your daily life. You willy-nilly put on the mask of a "whipping girl", and you will be "kicked" by all and sundry: from grandmothers in trams to secretaries at work. Therefore, you should boldly look fantasies in the face and think about how to realize them in real life.

Just one clarification: be careful when choosing a partner. The main thing is not to attract a real maniac to yourself. But here, simple caution will help you. Explore relevant forums and articles on how to safely but effectively build relationships in such couples.

If you still have a strong rejection of this side of your nature, then you should go to a psychologist and deal with this problem in order to try to get rid of this fetish. This is also possible, but it will require tremendous efforts on your part to work on yourself and, what is important, an experienced specialist who knows how to work with these topics. The issue of harassment of a relative in childhood is definitely worth working with a specialist, regardless of whether you decide to leave your fantasies and go to meet them, or decide to remove them.

Lena Knyazeva, singer, actress:

- Here common sense fights secret desires that have not found a way out for years. Usually, if a woman wants to be humiliated during intimacy, this means that she wants to feel strength and through this feel protected and extremely necessary. Or it's just masochism. I think, in this case, childhood experiences, a difficult relationship with a father, which for girls always serve as a model for building relationships with men in principle, played a big role. It seems to me that you need to give vent to your fantasies, if they do not contradict the criminal code, but in the place of our heroine, I would have gone through a couple of sessions with a good psychoanalyst too.

Nadia Slavina, fashion designer:

- Anna, any experience of sexual violence seriously affects the subconscious, but it is surmountable. The main thing is not to close in your feelings and leave them in the past, not to let them spoil your future. I have many girl friends who are familiar with all this, and I myself also endured such a difficult experience in childhood, but this did not prevent me and my friends from finding sexual harmony, learning to trust people who deserve it, and completely recovering from fears of the past.

Sexual fantasies of this kind are very common among survivors of violence and those with whom such things have not happened, the question is how to perceive these fantasies. Women who have not experienced violence and harassment calmly use these scenarios in sex play. I have no right to judge about hard BDSM, after all, it is not Christian, and you need to strive for classic love.

If you try to open up your sexuality, you will have a better chance of finding your other half. It is common for a woman to open up sexually next to a loving person. When he appears, tell him carefully that sex is not yet your strong point, but you dream of harmony in all areas of relations with him. And if a person takes you seriously, then he will not leave you, but, on the contrary, will become your guide to the world of sexual pleasure.

But I want to warn you: after all, it is worth remembering that you are a young woman, not a little girl, and you should not get too used to the role of a victim, just like talking about your problems to the men you meet. Look at the man's sincerity, at his attitude, and only then open up. Do not be afraid of anything and boldly look ahead, your other half may be somewhere very close. Remember, you need to move on!